Happiness is doing the dishes whilst listening to my headphones, blasting Florence + the Machine (even though I hate doing the dishes). Happiness is hanging out with a friend at night, talking and laughing and getting to know one another better. Happiness is knowing that even though we are poor, we have everything we need including the love of our significant other and friends and family that we hold so dear to us. Happiness is a warm puppy by my side as I read in bed and a My Little Pony coloring book when I am bored. Happiness is Tumblr and Pinterest to get ideas for some awesome new craft ideas. Happiness is knowing that there are people there for us that do not want anything back from us but our love and support. Happiness is also being able to give our love and support to people who don’t want anything back from us but the same. Happiness is knowing that the kids get to stay where they are regardless of what their lawyers do to have them removed. Happiness is a t-shirt that shows the names of our family as a Christmas present. Happiness is my life, even at its low times.
Happiness is…
Cornerstone
A friend of a friend of mine has written a YA novel. Misty Provencher just recently lost her agent, so she decided to post her book, “Cornerstone”, chapter by chapter, each Monday, for free, on her blog. It is an amazing book and I really suggest you read it. Please check her out. Comment. Anything. She is REALLY good.
Complete Motherhood
Dear Andrea,
I never thought I would say that I hoped that you became a mother at 19 years old, but here I sit, hoping and praying that not only will you become a mother, but a mother of two. You are an inspiration to me. You are a hero.
You are giving Matthew and Alice a chance at the life that was stolen from you. A life that you never had the chance to have. You are continuing to give up the life that you so deserved to have for another life that you were made for; Complete motherhood.
Part one
Was successful. Aimee and Andrea will get the kids. I’m sure of it.
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A
How dare you come to my door and act like you haven’t had your part in what is going on. Yes, the focus is mainly on him right now, but we are all well aware of the failures you’ve been having as well. Don’t stand in my living room acting all innocent. We all know the truth. We all know what you’ve been up to as well. Our lives are all in chaos and you could care less. You want what you want and that is all that matters to you. You make me sick. You truly make me feel ill when I think about you and what you’re putting your kids through, what you’re putting us all through. I can’t wait until this is all over. I can’t wait until I never have to see you or hear from you again.
Used to be what I said about A. That sentiment has recently changed. I no longer love her. I loathe and despise her. I abhor her. I honestly couldn’t care less if she drank herself to death. When a 9 year old calls you out on calling drunk, there is a serious problem.
Wishing
That you two weren’t worthless assholes.
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Some things I need to say
Two bad parents in one – I just don’t get it. Really. You have been given chance after chance, threat after threat has been made. You know that this was your last chance, yet you blew it again. BOTH of you. Because of you, your children are once again in fear for their lives. They (and we) have no clue where they will end up since you have decided that drinking far exceeds them in on your priority list. We can only hope that the judge, this time, will allow your eldest daughter to be their foster parent. We can only hope that they won’t be put in a foster home full of crazy zealots who try to brainwash them so they can pave their own way to heaven. We can only hope that you won’t lose your parental rights and they get adopted out of the family. That will destroy not only the kids, but the entire family. You have once again proven that you are useless members of society.
The eldest daughter – You. You are the glue that has continuously held this family together. I know that’s been hard on you. I can’t imagine the pressure you are under. But I am proud of you. You are an amazing mother. You have been to those kids what you never got from your own mom. You’re loving, kind, compassionate, tough but gentle and more importantly, open. You let them come to you with any question, any problem and you never treat them like they’re bad or wrong. You’re the perfect balance between friend and disciplinarian. I know, if Judge K gives you the chance, you will make those kids the happiest they have ever been. Even when they scream that they hate you, even when they treat you like crap, They will be happy. Happy that they’re allowed to be real kids and live real lives with their real family. It’s going to be a long, hard road, but it’ll be a road paved with gold. You’re amazing. I love you.
1. Religion is a man made thing. Spirituality is not.
2. Most people have a religion and that is wonderful. I love faith. I think that people who have faith in something, anything, are more hopeful for the world.
3. If you have a religion, practice it or don’t say you’re part of that religion.
4. Don’t EVER push your religion on ANYONE else. If you’re asked to share, then share.
5. Don’t belittle anyone for choosing their religion, however, stand up for yourself if someone who is practicing their religion is infringing on your rights or the rights of those you love.
6. There agree in a separation of church and state and I don’t believe that this decree is not enforced enough in our government.
I am an eclectic pagan. I believe in nature and the universe and mother earth. I believe in Karma and reincarnation. I believe that if we are good to others and good to ourselves that we are doing right. I believe in the threefold law. I believe, whole heartedly in the Wiccan Rede: Bide the Wiccan Laws we must, In Perfect Love and Perfect Trust. Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill: “and ye harm none, do what ye will.” LEST IN THY SELF-DEFENSE IT BE, Ever mind the rule of three. Follow this with mind and heart, and merry ye meet and merry ye part. I believe in religious tolerance.
I can honestly say that drugs scare me. I hate the idea of not having control over what I think, see, do… I think that too many people resort to drug use for reasons other than recreation (not that I think that’s a good idea either) and I have watched drugs ruin the lives of some of the people I love the most. Drugs have been the cause of death for one of my best friends and I know that is part of the reason I have issues with them.
Alcohol doesn’t scare me, per se, but I have had my own serious issues with drinking. I am the result of several generations of alcoholics and I think that drinking is okay so long as you don’t ruin your life because of it, ruin other people’s lives and you know how to control it. I don’t think drugs or alcohol should be a substitute for therapy or a bandaid to cover wounds in your soul.
I don’t know where I want to be at any given moment. In the past, when I have made the “5 year plan”, I have ended up either disappointed in myself or thinking about what a damned fool I was. All I truly care about is that I am happy, healthy and loved.
Ted… My husband. My BEST friend. My confidant. We’ve been together since August of 1996, married since December of 2000. He’s amazingly supportive and loves me despite all of my issues. He knows all of my dirty little secrets and instead of calling them flaws, he calls them charateristics. I love that about him.
Rewritten Aesop’s Fables… By Me
The Fox and The Crow
Walking through an unfamiliar town, Gerald Fox sees the beautiful and alluring Pheobe Crowe window shopping by herself, moving gracefully from shop window to shop window. Her hand, delicately curled beneath her chin, held and exquisite and obviously expensive sapphire ring.
“I just have to have that ring for my collection.” thought Gerald as he moved casually toward the girl. Gerald had always had a way with women, so he approached the graceful Miss Crowe and crooned, “What a beautiful day it is. The perfect day for such a perfect specimen of beauty.”
Phoebe blushed and brought her ringed hand up to her face, hiding behind it coquettishly. “A woman as graceful as you, with such shiny, obsidian hair and bewitching onyx eyes, surely must waltz like a princess. Dance with me now, so my life can be fulfilled.”
Phoebe didn’t have to think twice about dancing with this handsome, fire haired stranger. She moved within his arms, putting her hand into his and they danced, without any music nor with she feeling any embarrassment, in the middle of the square. She was so taken by his compliments that she didn’t even notice when he cunningly slipped the sapphire from her dainty finger. When the dance ended, he plied her with compliments about her dancing ability and the smallness of her young body within his muscular frame. He talked to her as if she were his queen and he, her loyal servant. He asked Phoebe if he could call on her later. She quickly agreed and gave him directions to her home and they parted. She was so smitten, that she didn’t even notice the lightness of her now barren hand.
Gerald bought an expensive notecard from one of the shops that Miss Crowe had been gazing in, wrote a message and hired a young man to deliver the note to the lovely Miss Crow at the time they agreed to meet. Then, as quickly and quietly as he appeared, he left town.
At the appointed time, there was a knock at the door and Miss Crowe answered the door herself. When she opened it, she was distressed to find, instead of her handsome caller was one of the local towns boys who had been vying for her attention. He handed her an envelope and said, “Good day, miss.” before turing and heading back to town. She opened the envelope and took out a note that read, “Miss Crowe, in exchange for such an enchanting gift, I dispense to you a piece of very important advice that I’d advise to you remember all your life. Do not trust flatterers. They usually have ulterior motives.” It is at this moment that she notices how light her hand has become and she dropped to the floor and wept.
The Dog and The Wolf (I think this one was my favorite)
John Cocker was leaving the feed store when he heard a ruckus coming from behind the bakery. When he went to see what all the commotion was about, he came face to face with his cousin, Peter Wilde. The sight of this sickeningly thin, dirty and ungodly smelly boy was disturbing, but not shocking. Though he hadn’t seen Peter in years, he wasn’t surprised to see Peter elbow deep and rooting around in the bakery’s trash looking for a morsel of food.
Well, Peter. You look… thin.” John said eyeing his filthy cousin. “I can’t say I’m shocked, though. We have always told you that the life of a carefree drifter would be the death of you. Why can’t you get a real job like the rest of us?”
Pete pulled his arms from the garbage with embarrassment, wiped his hands on his already repugnant trousers and looked sadly at John.
“I would, except I can’t find anyone who will hire an emaciated, dirty boy with no one to vouch for me.”
“Well, you’re in luck, cousin,” John exclaims. “because my master is looking for another stable hand. I can vouch for you and you can work there and room with me. You’ll be fed regularly, you’ll be able to wash regularly,” he continued sniffing with disgust “and you will have a safe place to sleep each night.”
The two boys start off toward the farm, talking about duties when Peter notices the scars on Johns arm and the odd bracelet attached to his cousin’s wrist.
“What’s with the scars, cousin? And why are you wearing such an odd bracelet?”
John replied nonchalantly and without hesitation, “Oh, that’s nothing. The scars are from a whipping I received when I first came to the farm for leaving without the master’s permission. And the bracelet is my slave ID so the towns people know what I am when I come to town.”
“Oh,” Peter said, his steps slowing until he’s soon at a stop. “You know what? I think I’ll say goodbye now. Give the family my love.”
John, in total confusion and anger, shouts at Peter, “What’s wrong with you? I thought you were ready to be a man? I thought you wanted to have a full belly and a warm place to sleep?”
Peter looks at John and shakes his head. “Don’t you see, cousin? I would rather scrounge for my next meal, sleep in the cold and smell like a heap of manure and remain free that be full and clean and be owned by another. With that, Peter turned and walked back to the bakery and it’s warm garbage.
The Crane and The Fox
Mr. Downey and Miss Fox were friends. One day, Miss Fox invited Mr. Downey to her home for supper. Mr. Downey accepted her invitation happily and they agreed to meet that evening at sunset.
Mr. Downey arrived looking stunning in all white. He, a dressmaker and tailor, made his entire outfit in anticipation of an evening such as this. He wore a white, silk shirt, a white suit coat, freshly pressed white pants and the most beautiful white top hat Miss fox had ever seen.
Miss Fox took Mr. Downey to the table, offered him a seat and went into the kitchen to bring out their first course; a thick, rich, tomato bisque. Mr. Downey sat, noticing immediately that the chair had a terrible wobble that made it impossible to eat the soup without making a horrid mess, ruining his silk shirt. Miss Fox, a short, plump, miserable redhead, stifled her giggles, knowing that his uncomfortable chair was due to her cutting an inch off of two of the legs.
The next course was a thick slab of beef drowned in a creamy brown sauce. Mr. Downey’s mouth watered as he began to cut into the meat. Just then, the plate split in two where Miss Fox sabotaged it, sending a river of sauce spilling into his lap, destroying his neatly pressed pants. Embarrassed, but not wanting to ruin the evening, Mr. Downy graciously accepter the glass of wine that Miss Fox offered him as they strolled into the sitting room. Miss Fox sat down, leaving Mr. Downey the only other place to sit; A high backed, comfortable chair by the fireplace. Feeling drained and tired from the evening’s happenings, he happily sits and as he leans back, the back of the chair, which Miss Fox had removed the screws from, falls out from behind him sending him to the floor, and his beautiful hat into the fire and the wine spilling and staining his suit coat.
Angry and embarrassed further, Mr. Downy got up, brushed himself off the best he could with the dignity and grace that only Mr. Downy could pull off and thanked Miss Fox for her hospitality. He left the house knowing he’d been had. A few days later, Mr. Downey ran into Miss Fox in town. He told her that he wanted to thank her for the wonderful evening they had by inviting her to come to his shop and pick out one of his dresses. Miss Fox, exited to be gifted a dress by the town’s best dress maker couldn’t resist accepting the offer.
Later, Miss Fox showed up at Mr. Downey’s shop. Mr. Downey handed her a dress to try on. She went into the changing room, and attempted to put the dress on, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t button the buttons over her robust belly. She returned the dress to Mr. Downey and he gave her another. This one buttoned, but made her look like an elephant in a delicate blue gauze tut.. She removed this dress, returned it to Mr. Downey and he gave her a third, which she couldn’t even pull over her flabby breasts. Getting frustrated, she tried on a fourth, fifth, sixth; none of which fit her rotund frame and each making her look shorter, fatter and uglier than the last. All the while, Mr. Downey sat back smiling while listening to her grunt, groan and mutter to herself from behind the changing room door. He was thoroughly enjoying her increasing frustration and discomfort.
At once, in the middle of trying on the twelfth dress, bound and determined to find even one that fit, she realized that like she did to Mr. Downey, she’d been had. She removed her dress, retrieved her own, thanked Mr. Downey for his thoughtfulness and began her trek back home. As she walked she thought to herself, “I guess what goes around really does come around.”
Well that answered could mean one of two things: If I could re-live it and changer it, I would re-live my wedding day and change a lot of things, but have the same end result. If I could re-live it just to experience it again, I would re-live… God, I don’t know… There are so many… But I think I’ll go with spending time with my grandmother who died when I was 8. Those memories are sadly beginning to fade from my memory.
Love Haiku
Heaven in a glance
Forever in one moment
My heart is all yours
If not for today
I would be breaking inside
You make me happy
Never have I felt
So absolutely in love
Walk with me for life
Updated letter to Amy
“Somebody tell me what made us all believe you. I should have known all along it was all a lie.” — Amy Lee
September 22nd, 2010
Dear Amy,
I would like to say that I didn’t think you’d fall. I would like to say that I believed, like each and every time before that once you got the kids back that you’d stay sober. The thing is that I don’t think you ever got sober to begin with. After all these years of watching you care more about the bottle than your kids or even yourself, being thrilled when you “got sober” only to be crushed, yet again by your agonizing fall off the wagon, not just once, but over, and over, and over again, I have come to the realization that your good moments come and go away quickly and your words and actions are to be completely distrusted. I would love to tell you that since I knew that inevitably this moment would come, I wasn’t devastated by your lack of will power, strength, caring, motivation or the fact that once again, you refuse to take full and total responsibility for your actions but the fact is that I am, Ted is, and most importantly, Andrea and the littles are as well.
The first time you screwed up, I was surprised and disappointed that after nine months of supposed sobriety, seemingly doing well within the program set out for you by the state and the fact that you were about to get your kids back, you decided for whatever selfish reason to drink again. I thought, however, that since you stopped drinking after the first double shot the day before mother’s day and immediately turned yourself in to the proper authorities, you had learned, that even if you fall back, you know that the safety and welfare of your kids come first. After the second fuck up I realized that the only reason you did the “right thing” was because you knew that if you did it first, the courts would see that you were at least taking responsibility of your actions and were regaining the control that you had previously lacked. Since then, I have spoken to you several times while you were wasted and I knew that this cycle was never going to end. You play the system like a fiddle and you are Charlie Daniels. You know how to manipulate everyone and everything around you and instead of working hard to fix yourself and make things right, you work twice as hard to find every possible way around the rules. When the court gave the kids back to you, I knew it was too soon. You acted like you were doing everything right, that you had changed your attitude and understood what made you “relapse”. But I could tell that your changes were on the outside. It’s so easy to tell what an act it is. You tell people what they want to hear, you say all those pretty words that make people think that you’ve really grown and changed when in all actuality, you’re being manipulative and condescending.
I thought that we had become immune to your fuck ups. Though we no longer find ourselves falling for all the things you have done “right” and though I wish we could say that even though our hearts no longer fill with joy and our hopes no longer get inflated (because in the end, everything comes crashing down around us all) Andrea, Matthew, Alice, Ted and I are still highly affected by the choices and decisions that you continue to make. Everyone in the situation suffers, especially your kids. The thing is, your kids had faith in you. They held the belief that you were doing what was right for not only yourself, but them as well. Your children are once again beyond devastated. How selfish can you be?
When this all began, Grandma and Grandpa’s future plans had to remain on hold, Ted and I had to watch a young woman’s faith in the world shred into tiny pieces and we watched two beautiful children become more angry and confused as the months passed. Meanwhile, you got more tattoos, created a whole new home with brand new furniture, game systems, televisions not even in preparation to get your kids back… Everyone else suffered financially and mentally while you played and the kids didn’t have parents. You ruined Andrea’s entire senior year. The kids hated almost everything and everyone, everyone’s life was at a standstill and the list goes on and on. You, however got to go to bars, parties, reunions, and you got to play with the kids when it suited you. You complained when the state talked about making you pay child support, even after you collected Scott’s money and food stamps meant for a family of 5 for three months after the kids were taken. You were having the time of your life living for yourself and not seeming to give a shit about your kids or the people who were taking care of them. You complained about having to do any of the things that any parent does on a daily basis and then bitched that you didn’t have your full parental rights. Then, when you got your kids back, when the judge went out on a limb and wasn’t as “conservative” as he usually is, you laughed in the face of us all and did whatever the hell you wanted.
I am devastated by the fact that you can’t seem to stay sober. I am sick of hearing about how you have to do this for yourself and you can’t do it for anyone else, including your kids. I am sick of hearing how AA is such a help to you when one of their regularly used phrases is “I am powerless over my addiction.” You are NOT powerless. You have the choice to NOT buy booze. You have the choice NOT to put a drink to your lips and you HAVE the CHOICE to take responsibility for the fact that you care more about having fun, filling your own desires and doing what you want than making your kids happy, healthy and safe. And I am even more sick of hearing about how you’re sick and that this is a disease. Alcoholism is a CHOICE. Alcoholism is a road that you choose to take, and even though there are several streets that can and will take you off this road, you choose to continue on. You’re not sick, you’re weak, you’re cowardly and you’re selfish.
You blame your set backs on so many things, but lately, it seems that you are blaming your terrible past and the failure of your marriage the most. I am aware of the fact that you have a lot of issues from your past that definitely need to be addressed, but why do you have to blame that for the choices you make? There are so many people that have had it a lot worse than you who make a wonderful life for their kids. And I find it funny that you blame your marriage issues as well because you have already moved on to the next man (or men) who will support you and enable you. You have hidden this fact from everyone except a few people. How can you expect me, Andrea, or anyone else for that fact to believe that you are so upset over the break up of your marriage that you can’t help but drink, when you’re already head over heels in love and planning your next wedding on the beach with flowers in your hair. You’ve told me for quite some time that you’re sick of Michael. More recently, a few TDM’s ago, you said that you drank because you feeling overwhelmed by the fact that you were almost done with school, you were about to start an internship that will most likely lead to a full time job, you were about to get the kids back… Really? What was supposed to happen when the kids came home and you’re under ten feet of stress? What then? What made you think that if you were drinking over the possibilities of all the good things, you weren’t race to the bottom of the bottle when things go wrong or even when they were perfectly fine. Meanwhile, you’re wasting the states money that could more benefit children in need by taking weeks and weeks of couples therapy that you damn well is only for show. We both know that if your rights are terminated, Michael is out the door. You, the kids and the family has been a beard for him. You were all a ready made family portrait to hide the fact that he’s a bisexual (or gay) man. You LET you family live this strange and twisted lie of a family for far too long.
I am beginning to think that you liked having things the way they were. You got weekend visits with your kids if you wanted, you didn’t have to pay to support them, and you got to do whatever the hell you wanted the rest of the time. You got to redecorate and party and come and go as you saw fit.
The safety plan is a joke! You have been allowed to drink without major consequences. You lost 45 days with the kids coming home. You didn’t lose your visitation with the kids after you drank twice when they almost on their way home for good. You didn’t implement it when you drank after they came home either. You’ve learned how to make your “relapses” seem like they’re okay so long as you tell on yourself once you have gotten caught. I truly believe that they weren’t even ”relapses”, I just think that you have been drinking the whole time but hadn’t been caught. Until now.
I am done. I am finished feeling guilty for taking part in the call that took your kids from you, because I know that they weren’t safe with you. I honestly wish that Adrienne and I had done it a lot earlier. When you gave Andrea a black eye, for instance. RIGHT THEN I should have made the call rather than waiting more than two years and then having Adrienne offer to take me to the school to talk to the social worker and then having her tell us to call CPS. I am done trying to regain our friendship because honestly, how can I be friends with someone who can treat her kids like they’re not worth anything to her, and a person who I can’t trust and a person who can lie to my face? My only connection to you now is through your children and if your rights are terminated, I will have no connection to you at all. I love your kids and care about their welfare. I don’t try to sabotage their lives like I have witnessed you do and like I have witnessed you allow Michael to do. I have given up a lot to make sure that Andrea had as much as I could give her (and continue to give her) and you know what? I think that even though I couldn’t give her her own room or make sure she had her privacy, I made sure she had almost everything she needed and I gave her some of what she wanted. The one thing I can’t give her that she needs is a real mother. You have proven that you’re not a mother. You’re a drunk. I hope, even if I don’t believe, that you’ll get sober. Even if you lose the kids permanently, I hope that you find whatever it is you need to find peace without a drink. I hope that you can somehow regain the trust from your children. More so, I hope that they will not become jaded and will be able to trust people. That they will know true love when it is given to them. I hope that they don’t always wait for the other shoe to drop. If they turn out to be normal, healthy adults, I will be surprised, and I will not give you any credit for it. You are on your own now. You have your friends who enable you, but what good will they be for you in the long run? Even if your rights are terminated, the kids will seek you out when they’re adults and they will still need to see that though their childhoods were fucked, things can get better. Miracles can happen. There is ALWAYS hope.
I don’t want anything to do with you now. I hope you’re happy with the fact that you missed your daughter’s first and last day of her senior year, her first and last homecoming, her first and last prom, her graduation from high school, her 18th birthday, graduation party, and soon, her first day of college. You could quite possibly miss the rest of the kids’ childhoods; Graduations, marriages, babies. Is the bottle really worth all that? Ted and I stood in as Andrea’s parents for over a year. It had been a tumultuous year for the kids. Ted and I shouldn’t have been the ones standing with the parents at graduation to receive the praise of the graduates and the staff of the school. And as much as I loved being able to stand there for her, I also felt the biggest feeling of guilt. Not the guilt that you think I should have, but the guilt that I hadn’t done something about your drinking sooner. Maybe if I had, you would have been sober and able to stand there at Andrea’s graduation yourself, where you should have been. Instead, I am positive that you sat at home, blaming everyone but yourself for the fact that you were not welcome to see Andrea’s most important accomplishment to date. You chose the bottle, you chose self satisfaction, you chose self pity, you chose hatred, you chose deceit and most importantly, you chose YOU.
Do you have any clue to what the past year was like for Andrea? Have you ever, for one moment thought about what you put her through without putting yourself into consideration? You have ruined just about every beautiful moment this year could have held for her. She wasn’t there to see the kid’s first day of school last year. She didn’t have the chance to talk to them afterwards to find out how it went for them and on top of it, you called me, wasted out of your mind and pretend to be okay, you pretend to be genuinely curious about her first day; She didn’t get to go with them on Halloween, steal their candy or give them some of her own; She missed Thanksgiving with them, even though she got an “after Thanksgiving” with them, it just wasn’t the same. Putting up the Christmas tree, for the first time without them, damn near crippled her emotionally. I watched her spiral into a depression that no amount of Christmas music, love or happiness could heal. I watched her as she sat, depressed, wishing with all of her soul that she could be with the family that you so selfishly tore apart. Christmas was once again without them and it was near impossible to try to convince her that things were going to be okay; When Andrea got her Gold Key for her photo portfolio and had it go to Nationals, where was the huge fanfare? She had me and Ted, but everything else was from afar. She needed her siblings to help her celebrate; She rang in the New Year without the kids. Counting down to midnight, watching the ball drop and fireworks meant nothing. Once again another first that she wasn’t expecting so soon; Valentines day felt like a slap in the face without her family. You ruined her LAST day of high school by being wasted, and when we tried to help you, you lied to her on the phone and to me, straight to my face. I am convinced you only told on yourself that time because it got you out of trouble the previous “relapse”; On her graduation day, you contacted her by text, though she expressly and in front of everyone at the TDM said that she did NOT want you to contact her. You then gave her your famous fucking attitude after she let you know, AGAIN, that she didn’t want you to contact her. Your display of selfishness on the afternoon of her graduation day was not only ignorant, but sad. She knows that you’re thinking about her. We all knew you’d be thinking about her. You didn’t need to push yourself on her and then get an attitude when her response to you wasn’t full of glee. This day was NOT about you or how you are feeling or what you felt you needed to say. This day was about her, her wants, her wishes and you couldn’t even respect her that much. Regardless of what you may think, she was doing very well without your bullshit and drama. You had no right to be angry or upset with her for her reactions. They were justified and you know it. If you disagree, then it just goes to show how far you still need to go before you will “recover” from your issues. But the part of this year that I got to witness the most ruin of was her 18th birthday. You twisted my words and made me the bad guy and didn’t come to greet Andrea when she got off the bus from Chicago. You know damn well that when I called off the dinner for the 18th, I was NOT calling off the welcome home. I specifically said that “Dinner was off.” When you called me on the way to the busses, pissed off and with a shit ton of attitude, I was appalled and shocked. You didn’t come because you were already in your pajamas, yet the next day, you talked about how you were at a party or bonfire shortly before. You could have changed and driven the few miles to the school to be there for your oldest daughter. How many more moments in at least Andrea’s life are you willing to ruin? Sadly, you’re doing it to the littles as well. They ask why they have to be punished for you and Scott’s mistakes. They tell us that they feel like they’re in a mosh pit at a Slipknot concert being beaten and bashed about and how they can’t get out. They don’t talk about the actual issues too much. Instead, they hold everything inside, get bitter, angry and hurt. Alice spent an entire school year leaving class, most of the time on several occasions per day, to get hugs from perfect strangers. Matthew has become more and more aggressive both verbally and mentally. You have continually raised their hopes, knowing what the truth is, and then when your promises were left unfulfilled, you let Grandma and Grandpa be the bad guys and tell them what we all had known before but what you were too much of a coward to admit to them; You still weren’t fit to take them home. And every time that happened, it was someone else’s fault. Like it always is. Then, when you finally get them back, you still managed to get drunk frequently and though you didn’t get caught until you were foolish enough to call Lisa while you were wasted, you showed your children that you cared less for them than the bottle. By the way. Do you really think that you were kidding anyone by trying to convince the world that you chose to drink AFTER Joann came to see you? You had called Andrea and babbled her ear off for n hour, called Lisa several times then saw Joann and every single one of them knew you were drunk. Quit lying, quit manipulating and quit thinking the everyone around you is so damn stupid. You continue to leave behind you, a wake of broken hopes, shattered dreams, horrifying nightmares, dying faith and a warped sense of trust and now, after you had them home with you just to lose them yet again, you do it yet again. You are caught drunk when we come to you because Scott is drunk and you tried to lie about that as well. Who are you going to blame for this one? Who can you pin your fuck up on this time? When they are taken from you and Scott permanently, who do you hope the kids blame?
You’re also going to be missing another pivotal moment in Andrea’s life. She has fallen in love with Aimee. She’s in a really happy and healthy relationship and she wanted you to be a part of it. She let you in, welcomed you into her home while she was moving into a whole new stage of her life and you failed her again. She’s transitioning very well despite the fact that you have once again broken her faith. Every time she moves ahead, you do something to step in her way. Then, you begin communications with her girlfriend to keep tabs on Andrea. We all know that you’re trying to win Andrea back by trying to win over her girlfriend. The thing is, it won’t work.
Andrea would like, at 18 years old, to take custody of her siblings. She’s willing to work ten times harder than you ever have to make sure that Matthew and Alice have everything they need and some of what they want. She wants to make sure that they don’t spend any more time in their little lives feeling sad, afraid or growing up thinking that the life that they have with you is anything close to normal. She wants to break the cycle. Both Andrea and Anthony are paying for how you and Scott raised them, she doesn’t want the kids to grow up “all fucked up”. Instead, they are in a foster home with strangers. They are living a life that they should not have to. Andrea is fighting to keep the “visitation” that she should rightfully have. Because of you and Scott, she has to schedule times to see and talk to the children that she has raised since she was 12. Because of the two of you and your selfish lives, she has grown accustomed to being their parent and now, because of you, her rights to the kids are being terminated as well. How fair is that to her or them?
I want to remind you about what you are doing to Andrea. You have, countless times, raised her hopes, then crushed them. She will never fully give up on you. She will always need the mother that has, for the past several years not been there for her in almost any way consistently. She will always be there when you say you’re sober and finally doing what you’re supposed to do. A girl never, no matter how angry or hurt she is, no matter what she says, completely gives up on their mother. Every time you do this to her, you kill more and more of her. If you don’t stop, or just stay away from her until you’ve honestly, fully, completely become sober, you will create a person who will never, ever fully trust someone. Someone who will always wonder what is being hidden from her. Someone who will think that she’s being lied to even when she isn’t. Is that what you want for her? Andrea’s life is a fresh one now. She’s starting over. Lucky for her, this is a regular time for a huge life change.
Look, I know that you have a lot of demons that you need to face. Fuck, we all do. But you’re taking your sweet time dealing and in the mean time, you’re messing up the kids’ lives and they’re missing out on a regular life of their own. Get on with it already or just let go. If you can’t make your own life work, give up your kids. Let them be adopted so they can stop waking each and every day wondering what the hell is going to happen today, so they can adjust to a way of life and know that it will be consistent and safe. You can’t have it both ways if you want them to come out healthy. What are you teaching them with all of this inconsistency and drinking and failing and not taking responsibility for your own mistakes? You’re creating people who may not function properly in the world as adults. You also have to stop letting everyone else be the bad guys. You need to step up and tell the kids that it’s YOUR fault they got taken away, that they stayed gone so long and that they were taken away again. Take responsibility for the fact that they are in a foster home and unable to see any of us with any regularity. Explain to them that it is yours and Scott’s fault and not mine or Andrea’s or the court’s or even your “sickness’”. YOU need to tell them that you are an alcoholic and YOU choose to drink repeatedly. YOU choose to put YOU before them, because Amy, that’s exactly what you do and have been doing for a long time. You constantly let everyone else do your dirty work so that the kids continue to love and adore you. All you’re doing is setting them up for a huge let down.
I may not have kids of my own. Believe me, you have and will NEVER let me forget that. I know that you think I have no clue how to raise a child, especially one of yours. The 13 months we had with Andrea has taught me that giving birth doesn’t make someone a mother and being a mother doesn’t require giving birth. And I know that you think that I have done everything in my power to steal your children from you, but I would give anything for them to have a mother who they can look up to and be able to trust with every bit of their being. And I think I know quite a bit about raising kids, especially yours. I think that for the most part I am someone they can look up to a little and definitely trust. I think that they all know that they’re needs will ALWAYS go before my own. I would give ANYTHING for your children’s happiness, healthiness and safety. I would give my life to save them both mentally and physically. I wish I could take away the hurt of the past several years, but especially the last one. I wish I could have helped to give them the childhood that they deserved rather than the one filled with booze, possibly coke back in the trailer, fighting, car accidents, jail, being hit in the face by her mother and years of living with a stepfather who always and in almost every aspect came before the kids. I am so sick of being accused of having CPS on speed dial and that I have picked and chose what kids to keep, and don’t get me started on Michael.
I have very little clue why you married Michael, besides the fact that you always need a man who can financially enable your drinking habit. It’s pretty obvious that you don’t and haven’t loved him in a long time, if ever. You have stayed with him through so many things that would make any real, loving mother get up and run. You allowed him to stay after he stole thousands of dollars from you, blamed Anthony for stealing from you, and you allowed your family to live without heat and hot water for quite a while so that he could have everything on his truck that he not only needed, but wanted. I can’t count the number of times he would fill his truck with all the best name brand snacks and food and then when he’d leave, there was almost nothing left in the house for the five people left. He had XM radio and video games and movies and pretty nighties and his clothes to be a cross-dresser in. He pawned your wedding ring for money to have fun instead of paying bills. YOU CHOSE to marry him still, knowing that all he was was a child who wanted nothing but a ready made family so he could either cover the fact that he’s bisexual from his family or just because he was too lazy to start one on his own. And because you are too scared to be by yourself, you latched on to the first man who you knew had little enough backbone to keep you in check despite what he would and had taken from the family. Michael is a liar and a manipulator and an enabler of the very worst kind and you have repeatedly put him before your kids. The sad thing is that now that you’re ready to get rid of him, it’s not for the health, safety and welfare of you or the kids, it’s because once again, you have found someone to replace him.
Speaking of Tony… Really? For twenty years (or so) you have hidden his true existence from the kids. Then, like a flash flood, you tell them of this life you had with him, and how you gave birth, not alone like you’ve been telling me and the kids for almost 2 decades, but with your fiancee and his family. You have let the kids believe what Scott told them, even though Scott’s been gone for over 6 years now. You allowed Anthony to be lied to about how he got his name and you wonder why the bigs have a hard time believing what you have to say. Tony may be a nice guy, but I am having a hard time believing that he’s THAT ready for a divorce. He sounds pretty happy on line. Are you really willing to break up a family so you can have the security that you need from being with another man to support and enable you? You seem ready to pick up and run away with him and the littles may not even know he exists yet. I was waiting for you to get them home, life would just begin to settle down and become normal again and then out Michael would go, in Tony will come and then they will be in turmoil again trying to figure out what the hell is happening in their lives again. Why are you always so willing to give up their emotional well being for your own needs? Now, there is talk of you and Brent hitting the sheets. What is wrong with you? Why do you feel the need to feed your desires rather than be a mother to the children who so desperately need you?
I will no longer keep the hope of your sobriety in the forefront of my head or heart. I will always secretly wish for it, but not for you, but for your kids. Man up, get your shit together and be a real mom to the only two kids you have left who respect and trust you. You’ll regret not doing it if you don’t do it soon.
I miss my friend and I know that I will never have her back. I miss the woman whose love for her children used to show on her face, in her eyes. I miss the woman who treated me with mutual respect instead of like a lesser person and more recently, an enemy. I am sick of hearing you talk to me about what you’ve lost and how I am the one who took it all from you. I am so sick of you telling me that our conversations, the ones that revolve around the daughter who has been raising herself and her younger siblings for the past several years, shouldn’t be spoken about to the “child” they’re about. Doesn’t she have the right to know what her mother is saying about her? I am sick of being told that my relationship with your kids has been inappropriate because they have chosen to confide in me rather than their drunk or high most of the time mother. I feel like you have been competing in this battle for your daughter and the funny thing is that it was never a competition to me. She’s your daughter, I’m her aunt. I have been repeatedly baffled by the fact that you have tried to make me choose between our friendship and the friendship with your kids, when what I was giving them was more than a “friendship”, but a place to unload the issues that they could no longer bring to you. I miss you, and I know I’ll never have you back. That absolutely kills me and I know that you don’t feel the same. The sad thing is that weather you do or don’t doesn’t even matter. That person is gone, amends can not and will not ever be made. I will stand by the choices I made for the rest of my life. Will you?
It’s time for a major change on everyone’s part. We’re not backing down any more. We’re not keeping quiet any more and we’re never going to quit fighting for the rights of the children whose rights you have stolen. The tides are changing and if you’re still unwilling to do what needs to be done, we’re waiting to step up and do what we need to do to ensure that your kids will have what’s rightfully theirs; Love, health, safety, consistency, faith, trust and a life full of happiness. Even if that means that NONE of us will be in their lives the way we want. You aren’t the only one losing them. Because of you, Scott and the selfishness you wallow in, we all lose. Thanks a lot.
Aimée
From Here
Dear M&A,
Today marks a very sad occasion: your departure from our family. For the past 7 years, we have fought a battle that we never should have had to fight. Today, that battle comes to an end. For 7 years we, T, B, A and I have done everything in our power to help your mom and dad beat their alcoholism and for the first 5 years, we failed and failed and failed. We only got the state involved because we feared that one or both of you might end up dead if things kept going like they were. We had run out of ideas on how to help them. Nothing was working. Never in all my wildest imaginings, did I ever think that you would end up losing your family for good. That we would be losing you. Never did I ever think that we would have to say goodbye. That we wouldn’t have the option to see you any time we wanted or that we would have to schedule a visitation with strangers to see you. I didn’t think that we’d have to wait and wonder whether the state was going to keep you together or split you up. That there would be so many questions left unanswered and even more problems left unsolved.
I failed you. I did everything I could, but I failed. I had the very best of intentions in my heart and I know that in the end this is what’s best for you, but I can’t help but feel like there is something more that I could have done. More resources that I could have found to help your parents. More people I could have asked for help. I wanted to make your family whole again, but instead, AAP left, and the state separated the two of you from your big sister and practically the only mother you ever knew. Now, We will all be completely separated and there is no returning the family to the whole that we all hoped it could be again.
I’m sorry for consistently falling for all of the lies that your parents told me. I’m sorry that it took me so long to see their words for what they really were. I’m sorry that we couldn’t afford a bigger place so that you could come to live with me. I’m so sorry that my actions have brought us to this place. I don’t know that I would do it any differently if I had it to do over again, though. And I’m sorry for that as well.
I want you to remember a few things. You are loved. You are loved more than I can ever tell you. We all love you so much that this whole situation is killing us. We all loved you as if we bore you from our own loins. Please remember that it is okay to trust people, so long as you keep your eyes and mind sharp and clear. Know that there is good in this world and you are a big part of it. Remember to be nice and to appreciate what you do have. Try not to dwell on what you’ve lost. Make the most out of what you have. Take care of one another. I know you fight a lot, but remember that what you are feeling, the other is most likely feeling too. What you are going through, they are too. You two are the only ones who knows what it’s like to go through this. I promise that you will be each other’s greatest support.
We love you. We love you. We love you. From the moment you were each born until forever. We love you.
EE
…but for now…
It’s so cute. Since the kids were taken from their mom and given to their dad, things had been going great. Scott had not been drinking. AT. ALL. He had been teaching the kids good habits, not letting them play violent video games, getting them into a really great routine and playing with them. Really getting them to use their imaginations. Matthew calls Bee EVERY day after school and things looked as if they were going really well. It looked as though their dad was doing everything right. Way better than their mom had ever done. Because when she got sober for a minute, instead of being responsible, she’d give them everything they wanted, spoiling them to gain their love and trust. That’s not the right thing to do.
Then comes 9/14. Matthew calls Bee after school like he routinely does and tells her that Dad’s been drinking. Bee tells Matthew that she wants to talk to dad to see if she can take them to the park (since it was an amazingly beautiful day) and when Matthew went outside to give his dad the phone, Matthew actually sees the bottle of booze. This was it for her. Phone calls were made and tests were required and to make a very, very long story short, Their dad is about to lose the kids.
That night, after DHS contacted Bee to tell her to keep the kids, we had to go to their mom’s house to get them some clothes for school. And sadly, to no surprise, She was wasted.
There is a very good possibility that the state will put the kids into an actual foster home since the people who are trusted by CPS to take the kids don’t have the space for them. Or the money to get a bigger space.
There is also the possibility, a BIG possibility, that the state will be terminating the parental rights of their parents and they will be taken off of the kids’ birth certificates.
Last night we all went to the park. Bee, Aimee, Ted, Matthew, Alice, and I went to George George. I took a shit ton of pictures with Aimee’s camera (since mine is STILL effed up) and no one would talk about it, but we all knew that this might be the last time, for a LONG time that we all get to go out, where ever we want, and play with them. No one would say it, but we were trying to make the best out of a really fucked up situation. No one was saying it, because we’re all hoping it’s not true, but this might be goodbye for a while.
We’re all worried about visitation. I mean, their new foster family won’t know any of us. For all they know, we can’t be trusted or we would have the kids. We don’t know if they will even want us knowing where they live. They could require us the state minimum of 1 hour a week visitation at the DHS office. That is so depressing. I hope that Lisa tells them the whole story and lets them know that we are good, safe, encouraging and uplifting people. I hope that they will allow us at least into their home so they can see us with the kids and eventually I hope they will let us take the kids out and maybe have them over night. I mean, doesn’t every foster family want their foster kids to have a number of supportive and loving people to support the kids?
They scheduled the TDM for 1:30. I think that’s because they want to make sure that mom and dad are busy when the kids get out of school so that someone from CPS can go and get them so that mom and dad can’t. There is a very good chance that we won’t get to say goodbye to them. There is a good chance that we won’t get to tell them to be good and try not to act out. That they shouldn’t take their anger out on their new foster family and to give them all the advice we possibly can.
The kids are angry. They know that they’re most likely going to a foster home, but we couldn’t go on any further. We needed to make this time with them the happiest we possibly could. We are all so depressed right now. The kids described how they felt in the coolest way. Matthew said, “It’s like we’re in a mosh pit at a Slipknot concert and we’re being bashed from all sides and we can’t get out.” He hit the nail on the head. What’s even funnier is that he’s never been to a concert or in a mosh pit! He’s a hilarious kid.
Lisa told Bee that she can’t get the kids because she’s still a foster kid until she’s 19. In August of next year, Bee will be getting a 3 bedroom place and Lisa told her that she can petition the state for custody. If the parental units have lost their rights, she may even be able to adopt them. Lisa said that she would back Bee 100%. One year. Though this year flew by, I have a feeling that this one will drag by for her. It’s one thing to miss the kids because they’re 3 hours away with your grandparents who you know and love, but it’s a whole different thing when they’re with a family that we don’t know and have no clue if they’re in the system just for the money. We have no idea if they will be kept together or if they’ll be separated. We haven’t even brought that possibility up to Bee. She’s going through too much as it is. I don’t know if she’s even thought of that possibility.
The TDM is at 1:30 today. In 7.5 hours, we’ll hear the fate of the kids. In 7.5 hours, we’ll know if their parents have fucked up so bad that they will no longer have parents. If they’ve not only complicated the kids’ lives, but the lives of everyone who loves them. Because of them, we will get to wonder, worry, wish and wander through days without the kids. We don’t know if we will be allowed to call us or if we can send them letters; we don’t know if any of our lives will ever be the same.
The TDM will be at 1:30 today and that 7.5 hours is going to crawl by. I feel like we are waiting for our own execution. That we are waiting for the state to sever a vital part of our family and leave us hanging.
I guess we’ll see.
when I first heard Eminem, I was appalled. He had become the voice of a generation. A loud, obnoxious, violent, terrible example for kids voice. I could not believe the shit that was coming out of his mouth. For years, I refused to listen to anything new that he put out. For years I continued to hate Eminem and everything he stood for. I’m not saying that I didn’t give him the props that he certainly deserved for his immense talent, but I just hated the content of his music.
Recently, I heard his song, Beautiful and I loved it, and even more recently, I heard his new album, Recovery. I like quite a few of the songs. He’s still pretty nasty, but he’s softened. I still don’t think that young people should be listening to him describing how some “bitch” is “riding his dick”, but he’s not talking about raping anyone and I like more of his stuff now.
Yay!
A good friend of mine was arrested last night. I didn’t find out until this evening, after she was already out. Her sister, knowing that I was the only other person who knew the whole story, emailed me. She’s worried about her sister, who I love dearly. I know a lot about my friend’s issues, but her sister let me in on more. Stuff that has devastated me to find out. Now, I worry about this amazing woman even more than I did before. I don’t know what to do.
Friday Question #128 (#1 for me)
From http://www.ilaxstudio.com/blog/category/friday-questions/
How did you celebrate your 21st birthday? If you aren’t 21 yet, how do you plan to celebrate?
It was one of the best birthdays I have ever had… I lived in Virginia with Ted and our Room mate, Ken. We all worked at Busch Gardens, Williamsburg and we loved who we worked with. Ken was a total alcoholic and he decided that He was taking me, along with Harriette (who I must add was the most beautiful woman I had seen to date) to a drag club that was celebrating it’s last night open.
We met up at Harriette’s apartment, and she was outside ready to get the night started. We crossed some busy 6 lane with an island divide highway to get to the bar, I was carded and thusly taken to the bar where Ken announced to everyone that it was not only my 21st birthday, but my first time at a drag club. From then on, I didn’t see the bottom of my glass and, since it was closing night, no one made me pay for any of it.
I drank and drank and watched the most amazing performances and talked to men who I thought were women and watched as many people thought that Harriette was one of the queens because of how flawless she was. I have to stop here for a moment and tell you that these queens were like no other “cross dressers” I have met before or since. They were the most beautiful and divine women I had ever seen. They fluffed and tucked so well that the Cher “imposter” in all of her “If I Could Turn Back Time” leotard glory, did not have a cock or ball lump ANYWHERE to be seen. And when I asked her where she “put them”, (I was decidedly plastered by this point, no question seemed improper any longer) she told me that she’s good at tucking and even when she bent over for me, they still couldn’t be located.
I drank non-stop and as much as I could from 9 pm until 2 am and was SO drunk that I had to crawl back across 6 lanes (with an island divide) highway to Harriette’s apartment, with Ken, Harriette and two other girls (who I can not remember through the haze that was the end of my birthday) blocking traffic for me. Her doorman (yes, she was THAT ritzy) held the door for me. The elevator guy (yes, she had one of those too) held the elevator open for us and off we jutted to the 22nd floor. I crawled to the door, went in and just KNEW that I was going to puke. I half crawled half walked to her bathroom and right before we got to the toilet, I ralphed up liters of tequila, vodka, rum and sloe gin all over Harriette’s perfect cream and seafoam green bathroom. And I couldn’t move any closer as I puked. It was the kind of barfing that is so intense that it takes every ounce of energy and uses every muscle in your body to accomplish, yet you JUST CAN’T STOP! I felt so bad. I was crying like a baby in a sea of gag, and asking Harriette to bring me paper towels and a mop. She would have none of it. After all, that’s what maid service is for. (Yes!) So, she ushers me into her bathroom where I showered, and changed, barfed a few more times both during and after the shower, and this time in the appropriate receptacle. I put on my work clothes (since that is all I brought for the following day) and I staggered into Harriette’s living room.
Harriette’s living room was the most amazing room I have ever been in. Floor to ceiling, wall to wall windows looking over Hampton, Virginia and the Chesapeake Bay. The lights of the city were amazing at that height and at that hour. I sat on her sink-in-so-deep-I-never-wanted-to-move couch and started apologizing to Harriette for barfing all over her bathroom and she looked at me in amazement and asked, “Are you apologizing for getting ripped on your 21st birthday?” She said that all of this was a right of passage and that I was never to “utter those horrible words” in reference to my 21st birthday super puke ever again.
It was at this point that Ken got a 5 gallon bucket and put it at my feet, while Harriette pulled out stale saltines and warm water and they began to feed me. I knew almost instantly that I was going to puke again and Ken just pointed to the bucket. After the puke parade subsided, they told me to eat and drink more. I thought they were nuts. I told them that I would just puke it all back up and they said that was the point. They continued this merry-go-round of nasty crackers, warm water and vomit festivities for over an hour until I started keeping everything down. By this time, it’s 4 am and I am passing out.
Ken woke me at 9 am for work and surprisingly, I had no hangover. I was sleepy and weak, but feeling pretty good. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to spend my 21st birthday with the most expert alcoholics in the world. I had a blast!
…of drinking and disease…
So I have to wonder if I am alone in this. I DO NOT believe that alcoholism is a disease. I mean, cancer and diabetes and parkinson’s can’t be cured just by NOT doing something. However, alcoholism, though difficult, can be cured by NOT DRINKING. A lot of people tend to disagree with me, but let’s look at the facts. A cancer patient can not choose to not have cancer, A diabetic, though it can frequently be prevented, can not just one day say, “Okay, today I choose not to have an issue with my blood glucose levels” An alcoholic chooses to pick up a bottle (or can) and drink. Every single time they drink, a process has happened. They went out, bought the alcohol, opened it, raised it to their lips and consumed. In there somewhere, anywhere, was a place where they could have said, “Enough! I will NOT drink this.” Unfortunately, that does not happen very often. So please forgive me for saying that one has relapsed when they have fallen off the wagon once again. I save that term for cancer patients.
Alcoholism is a choice, not a disease!
- Boys Don’t Cry
- Imagine Me and You
- Fingersmith
- High Art
- The Incredibly True Adventures of 2 Girls In Love
- Julie Johnson
- Kissing Jessica Stein
- Lost and Delerious
- A Girl Thing
- Itty Bitty Titty Committee
- Things You Can Tell Just by Looking at Her
- Sister my Sister
- Entre Nous
- The Midwife’s Tale
- Intentions
- Goldfish Memory
- But I’m A Cheerleader
- Cyrara: Poetry in Motion
- Out of Season
- Producing Adults
- Portrait of a Marriage
- Aimee & Jaguar
- The Children’s Hour
- Boys on the Side
- Loving Annabelle
- Waiting for the Moon
- Better Than Chocolate
- Watching You: Intriguing Lesbian Short Films
- My Summer of Love
- Show Me Love
- Saving Face
- Tipping The Velvet
- When Night is Falling
- Rome & Juliet
- Can’t Think Straight
- World Unseen
- April’s Shower
- Intimate Friendship
- The Secrets
- Eulogy
- Everything Relative
- Fun in Girls’ Shorts
- Puccini for Beginners
- She Likes Girls
- The Truth About Jane
- All Over Me
- Big Dreams in Little Hope
- D.E.B.S.
- Love & Suicide
- Love My Life
- Slaves to the Underground
- Mango Kiss
- Twice Upon a Yesterday
- The Baby Formula
- The Fine Art of Love
- Girl’s View
- And Then Came Lola
- Elena Undone
- The Owls
- Highly Strung
- Love Sick
- XXX
- Bloomington
- Breathe In Breathe Out
- Drool
- Room in Rome
- The Best is Yet to Come
my day, in list form 09/09/10
- Woke up at 7ish in a Roserem haze
- Went back to bed about 10 minutes later
- Woke up at 10am
- Got a call from the girls asking if they could come over and pick up the carpet cleaner
- The girls came over
- Started painting my nails
- Started watching a movie that I couldn’t finish because
- Jen came over at 2:00
- Jacki came over at 3:30 with great news
- Ted came home at 4:00
- Jen left at 4:15
- Brian came over at 5:00 with amazing news x3
- Brian left at 5:45
- I talked to Deece for an annoying amount of time (anything more than 2 minutes)
- Ted and I ordered dinner from Paco’s
- I took a nap from 7:00 – 8:15
- Played on the computer
- Talked to Lyss for about a half hour on the computer
- Going to bed before midnight I hope.
Right.
I have been avoiding thinking about the girls moving, but yesterday and today it has slapped me in the face. Yesterday, I went to see their place for the first time. I cleaned their fridge and dusted their bathroom cabinets. I couldn’t stay long because 1) it was way too damn hot in there and it was a super muggy day and 2) I just couldn’t handle seeing the evidence of them actually moving out. Up until yesterday, they would be gone half the day cleaning their apartment or shopping for supplies. Now, it has started in this house. The girls came home this afternoon with boxes and have started packing and moving their stuff. I wanted to go right behind them and unpack everything that they had just packed. I hate the idea that after over a year, Bee is leaving me.
I am SO depressed.
She doesn’t realize that when she leaves, I will be a wreck. She and Aimee keep telling me that they have told Aimee’s gran that Thursdays, I will be going over to her house to hang out with her. I hate that they already said something to her, because they know that I won’t bail on her. They know that that will force me to get out of the house and be social. I don’t want to be social. I want to wallow in my depression for a while.
Ugh.
My day, in list form 08/09/2010
- Woke up at 12:30pm
- played on the computer
- talked to the girls
- hung out with Ted
- cleaned the bathroom (mostly)
- went out for slurpees
- got to see the girls’ new place
- went shopping
- made dinner
- talked to laura
- took a shower
- watched tv
- going to bed soon I hope
Today, in list form 08/06/2010
- Woke up at 11:00am in complete and total pain
- Talked to Bee while she played on the computer
- Played on the computer while talking to Bee
- Waited for Ted to get up
- Hung out with Ted
- Talked to my granny! Yay!
- Picked Jen up
- Went to Joe’s Crab Shack for Ted’s birthday dinner
- Went to see The Karate Kid at the theater
- Dropped Jen off
- Realized that my pain was a lot less severe than it was this morning
- Came home
- Played on the computer
- Talked to Laura
- Made dinner for the girls
- Hung out with Ted and the girls
- Watched Whale Wars
- Gave Ted his birthday present
- Getting ready to go to bed
Today was a wonderful day!!!
My day in list form 08/05/2010
- Woke at 9:30am
- woke Aimee up for her Dr.’s apt.
- Went to said appointment and got the run around
- Went to Costco to get her meds
- Got pissed off because her doc is a fucktard
- Came home
- called the dr.’s office
- called the pharmacy
- called the dr.’s office
- called the pharmacy
- called the dr.’s office
- called the dr.’s office
- called the pharmacy
- Started making calls to people I know who might be able to help
- laid down to take a nap
- just as I was about to fall asleep got interrupted by Girl 2 taking off
- Talked to Bee
- Girl 2 comes home and Girl 1 takes off
- Girl 2 takes off
- Having them both leave like that freaked me out
- called Bee to no answer
- called Aimee to see if they were okay
- called Bee just to have her tell me that she “accidentally” answered the phone. (Gee, Thanks)
- Talked to Laura
- worried
- talked to Laura
- worried
- talked to Laura
- worried
- cops parked in front of the house making me think one of them was dead (They left without getting out)
- texted Bee at 10:45 pm to see if she was okay (got no answer)
- texted her again at 11 telling her to text me because I was worried (She answered me)
- found out that both girls had been at their apartment that they haven’t moved into yet talking but were too busy to inform the party that worries about them that they were okay (Gee, thanks again for that)
- Got royally pissed off
- talked to Ted at midnight
- watched a scary movie and locked myself in my room to avoid them when they got home (at 2am)
- talked to Ted at 3am
- going to bed soon!
My day in list form 08/04/2010
- Woke up at 11:45am
- played on the computer
- talked to Ted
- made numerous calls to the dr. for Aimee
- went to buy a weeks worth of cigarettes
- ordered dinner
- took Aimee to Costco for her meds
- ate dinner
- hung with Chad, Bee and Ted
- talked to Laura
- watched some TV
- showered
- talked to Bee for a while
- took my pills
- going to bed VERY soon
…Of Sickness…
She said that she signed up for this, being with Aimee, even though she knew Aimee was sick. What she didn’t know was how sick Aimee really was. I know she would have still been with Aimee even if she did know how sick Aimee really was. It’s so frustrating to watch the person you love suffer, and that’s what Andrea does. She watches the woman she loves so much suffer in terrible pain. There’s nothing she can do but sit with Aimee, try to keep her calm, hold her hands, look into her eyes, breathe with Aimee to keep her heart rate down and keep her from hyperventilating. She whispers to Aimee words that I can never hear, but I know that Aimee is comforted by the way her heart rate begins to drop and the way her breathing becomes more normal. All Andrea can do is kiss Aimee and tell her that she’ll get through this just like she has every other time. She’s stopped telling Aimee that they’ll figure out what’s causing her pain and fix it, because we know what’s causing it and now, we know that there’s no fix.
It seems like every time there’s good news pertaining to Aimee’s health, we take a step back somewhere else in it as well. We found out about her B-12 deficiency and began treatment for it. Her paralyzed right side began to regain feeling and, she began to walk more normally. Then her heart rate begins to elevate and now she’s in a constant state of tachycardia. She was hospitalized for five days. While there, her internist, Dr. Parker, told us that the pain in her head that she’s been suffering from for over a year now will never go away. Ever. He said that her Pseudotumor Cerebri will be a constant problem and that she should not expect to have a pain free day for the rest of her life. If she does happen to have a day free of pain that she should take advantage of it to the fullest extent and not expect it to happen again. Dr. Parker told us what none of Aimee’s doctors were able or even willing to tell us. The truth. Yes, it’s not what we wanted to hear. It was devastating to Aimee. She seemed numb for a while and then, light someone flipped a switch, I saw her face change and I knew it had hit her. This pain, this constant reminder of how her life was never going to go back to the way it was, was never going to end. I watched Aimee as she broke down and sobbed.
Dr. Parker warned Aimee that she was going to have a hard time getting help for her pain in the ER’s and boy was he right. He said that a lot of people, doctors included, don’t believe the kind of pain that people with Pseudotumor Cerebri have. That she would encounter more and more resistance to her getting the drugs she needs to reduce the immense pain she’s in.Before, when she would go to the ER when her meds weren’t cutting the pain, they’d give her drugs to help her. Sometimes they would come after a million questions and questioning her sanity, but she would eventually get them and she’d be fine for a few days. Now, they act like she’s crazy and try to send her away with nothing. Today, we took Aimee in. She’d been fighting this pain for days and finally couldn’t take any more. The first thing her doctor did was suggest a lumbar puncture. I understand why they have to do that, after all a Pseudotumor Cerebri is all about the excess fluid in the brain and the pressure that it causes, but after they did the LP and found that her pressure wasn’t that high, they should have just done the drug treatment that has always helped her. Now, along with the debilitating head pain, she’s got the pain from an LP and all they would give her was a small dose of a shit drug that did nothing for any of her pain and they sent her home.
Aimee needs to get into some kind of pain management program, but all of her doctors are either out on maternity leave, out of the office, have shit staff or don’t have an open appointment for two weeks. Her trips to the ER, which helped before because of the drug regimen they knew worked, are now proving fruitless. The doctors feel that she is a drug seeker and because of their ignorance, they won’t give her the narcotics that she so desperately needs. They see her scars and know of her past mental health history and that completely blinds them to the obvious physical, organic issues at hand. We know she’s not a drug seeker. We have had to force her to the ER so she can get some kind of relief. I have heard her first hand (before we knew that her pain was permanent) tell her neurologist that she didn’t just want to be prescribed a shit ton of narcotics to bandage the problem, but for the problem to be found and fixed so she wouldn’t need the narcotics to live. What kind of drug seeker says that? Aimee hates that she’s on so many medications. She hates that she can’t live the normal active life she had only a year ago. But the fact is that Aimee needs these drugs now. The pain has gotten so bad that there are days that she can’t get out of bed, she can’t eat, she can’t sleep and all she can do is cry.
To see Aimee in that kind of pain is devastating. To hear her uncontrollable sobs when the doctors tell her that yet again, she will be sent home without an ounce of their help, in excruciating pain, when we know exactly what will help her is beyond depressing. She has a serious issue that no one seems to want to do anything about. I’m afraid that in the end, Aimee will have to resort to self medicating. And nothing good can come out of that.
Aimee is a beautiful, brilliant, vibrant 26 year old woman who has been given the worst news; That she will be in pain for the rest of her life. That her dreams of being a fire fighter will go unfulfilled. That her EMT training has been in vain. That her hopes of having a normal life like she used to have are for nothing. She has been given a diagnosis of having a life filled with pain and no one will do anything to help her manage it. It’s a huge and vicious cycle that really isn’t necessary. Someone has the knowledge and ability to help her. I know it.
Andrea is so frustrated, as we all are, but she is the one who will be by Aimee’s side for the rest of their lives. Andrea is the one who will rush Aimee to the hospital when the pain is too much for her to handle. Andrea is Aimee’s life partner and love. Andrea is so worried that she’s going to lose Aimee to this. Whether it’s to the illness itself or to the mental toll it takes on Aimee, we don’t know. But I think we all are having the same fears. I can only hope that someone steps up and does right by Aimee.
My day in list forn 08/03/2010
- Woke up at 12:30 pm with my man snoring by my side. I missed him so much last night.
- Blogged a bit.
- Read for a while.
- Hung out with Ted.
- Did the dishes.
- Tried to watch a movie to no avail.
- Talked to Nickie. God I can’t wait for her to come home.
- Talked to Laura.
- Did the dishes again.
- Got depressed when Aimee came in long enough to tell me that they were going to sign the lease tonight instead of tomorrow. I know, It’s only one day early, but I am still not sure I’m ready for them to move.
- Talked to Laura again.
- Went with the girls to the ER where Aimee got a lumbar puncture. Ouch.
- Came home and finished my book.
- Ate.
- And now I’m waiting for Ted’s 3 am call since I missed his 12 am call while I was at the hospital.
