- up @ 9a
- made breakfast
- loaded up clothes for Ted to take to the laundromat
- washed dishes
- made lunch
- blogged
- played on the computer
- watched some tv
- realized how behind I was in reading and my 101
- went on line to see what good books to get from the library
- went to the library, trying not to die in the slush snow
- got my books
- came home, trying not to die in the slippery shit
- came home to a sick husband
- played on the computer some more
- Ken Andrea called out of the blue
- going to lay down and read for a few hours
- going to bed by 11p
Archive for November, 2008
30
Nov
08
Today, in list form 11/30/08
29
Nov
08
Today, in list form 11/29/08
- woke at 10a
- got donuts
- went to walmart
- came home
- made lunch
- went to em’s to help her out
- came home
- made dinner
- watched tv
- took cold medicine
- going to bed at 9a
29
Nov
08
Thanksgiving Day, in pictures
The Next Day!!!
28
Nov
08
Today, in list form 11/28/08
- up at 8a
- get dressed up and ready to go
- walked up town at 9:30a for the parade
- went to Conga coffee and Tea
- met up with Nina, Daddoo, Heather, Keegan and Reece
- met up with Chrissy, Makayla, Jeff and Fiona
- saw Jim and Cindy
- took a bunch of pictures
- ran out of battery RIGHT before the parade
- watched 1.5 hours of parade in the FREEZING COLD SNOW!!!
- walked home at 11:45a
- Jessica, Scott and Cassie came over
- had lunch
- hung out
- took a nap
- had dinner
- walked up town to get out
- bought a couple of Christmas presents
- came home at 8p
- uploaded pictures onto photobucket
- watched TV
- watched Ted put up the little village
- blogged
- go to bed by 11:30p
28
Nov
08
Today, in list form 11/27/08
- up at 9a
- “bake”
- make a billion phone calls
- last minute shopping for Thanksgiving stuff
- start turkey
- Start other food
- FIL came over
- Em came over
- finished dinner
- ate dinner
- FIL left
- watched A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving
- Jenn came over
- put up Christmas tree
- watched Nancy Grace
- go to bed at 2:30a
26
Nov
08
Today, in list form 11/26/08
- Brian called and woke us at 10a (I seem to sleep later when Ted is by my side)
- got up
- “baked”
- went to lunch with Brian
- went to Proto Gage to get Ted’s last check
- came home and cleaned
- went to Meigers to get last minute stuff for tomorrow
- came home and cleaned and got all of the Christmas stuff out and ready for tomorrow
- went through it to give Emily, my Jewish Pagan friend, her first Christmas tree and lights and ornaments that we don’t use any more
- went to Emily’s to give her said stuff
- went to Meijer’s with Emily for more last minute stuff
- came home
- more “baking”
- go to bed by midnight
25
Nov
08
Thanksgiving
I was so happy last night when Brian invited Ted, my FIL and I to his Thanksgiving dinner. I would really like to go, but we’re not for two reasons. Ted’s dad is inherintly uncomfortable in social situations, even if they only include his own family. I know that he would rather it just be Ted, himself and me. This will be his first Thanksgiving without my MIL and I want to make it as easy for him as I can. I know that this too is Brian’s first ANYTHING without Amanda, but I already made plans with FIL and all. Secondly, and I think more importantly, I highly doubt that Amanda would appreciate me being at her table for the first Thanksgiving at her home. That table was so important to her and having a real Thanksgiving in her home was her dream. She can’t be there in life and I wouldn’t want to marr that dream for her. I would love to go, but I just can’t.
25
Nov
08
Today, in list form 11/24/08
- woke up at 8:30a
- woke Ted up at 9a
- mom got here at 10a
- went to the county building with mom to do more paperwork for her inheritance
- went to the secretary of state office for more of the same
- came home and smoked with mom
- went out to coney for lunch with Ted
- then went to Lady Janes so her could get a shave and a haircut to look more presentable for job hunting
- came home and my belly hurt, so I took a nap
- Ted called Bri and asked him to go out with us
- went to Brians and Bri took us (Holly, Ted and I) to the Madison Heights Eagles Club (had an awesome time)
- Brian asked us to join said club
- got to hang out with Brian’s dad and a bunch of new people
- went back to Brian’s
- hung out at Brian’s and smoked
- left Brian’s
- went in search for a McDonald’s
- found one open after finding 2 closed
- came home at 2:00a
- ate McDonald’s
- watched tv for a while
- went to bed at 3:30a
- we told
25
Nov
08
Today, in list form 11/25/08
- got up at 9:30a
- hung out with the husband
- cleaned
- blogged
- made lunch
- cleaned
- “baked”
- saw Emily
- made dinner
- went to Jenn’s to smoke and have fun
- came home at about 11:30p
- going to bed at midnight
24
Nov
08
Today, in list form 11/23/08
- mom woke me at 10a
- got up and got ready to go
- went to mom and dad’s
- came home at about 7:30p
- watched some tv
- Brian called
- watched True Blood (SO pissed that I have to wait until summer for the next season!)
- went to Brian’s at 10p
- came home at midnight
- watched some tv
- bed by 1a
23
Nov
08
Today, in list form 11/22/08
- woke at 9:30a
- deanna called
- watched some tv
- surfed the web
- filed Ted for unemployment
- had Ted register with MI works
- went to Amy’s to get my money back
- came home
- made dinner
- went to Emily’s
- Ted and her dad put up a mirror and a coat rack
- Em and I unpacked and put up a mirror
- came home watched tv for a bit
- went to Cadieux Cafe in Detroit for the Mystery Tramp memorial concert
- hung with Em’s parents and Colleen and Patty from Trixies
- ate awesome food and Ted drank over a pitcher of beer and got drunk
- Jenn called to tell me that she had it
- Watched a bunch of bands
- left after Em played (It sucked that we missed Tone and Niche)
- dropped Ted off at about 12:30a
- went to Jenns and knocked and called for about 15 minutes
- found out she was at Your Mother’s
- went to Your Mother’s and saw Jenn, Steve, Justin and the Piranah
- got it
- left Your Mother’s at about 1a
- got gas
- got to Brian’s at about 1:30a
- hung out with Brian, smoked and watched tv
- left Brian’s at about 3a
- came home
- watched tv
- went to bed at about 4a
22
Nov
08
Today, in list form 11/21/08
- woke at 9:30a
- had a wicked bad headache
- blogged
- talked to Em
- watched Sidney White
- had lunch
- watched tv
- talked to Em
- took a nap to get rid of the headache
- Ted got home
- went into town
- saw Meg, Heather, Nina, Reece and Keegan
- went to dinner
- walked around town
- drove around trying to find someone
- came home
- went to Amy’s
- went to Jenn’s
- hung with Jenn, Justin and Kain
- came home
- watched some tv
- went to bed at about 1:30a
20
Nov
08
Today, in list form 11/20/08
- woke up at 9:30a
- played on the computer
- blogged
- talked to Em who was coming over at 2p
- talked to Ted at lunch like normal
- ordered Jimmy John’s for lunch
- Ted called to tell me that after Saturday, he’s laid off until AT LEAST January 3rd (Christmas is now FUCKED)
- called my mommy to cry
- called Em to tell her not to come over
- Ted came home at 5:30p
- went to dinner
- went to Em’s
- Brian called to talk and to tell me we can talk (long but awesome story) and invited Ted and I over
- bought a pack of cigarettes (I hate myself sometimes!)
- went to Brians and hung out with him, Jim, Justin, Kate, Skyler and Scooter
- left there at 9:15p
- made Ted’s lunch for tomorrow
- watch tv for a while
- going to bed at about midnight
20
Nov
08
Today, in list form 11/19/08
- woke up at 9:30a
- Dee called @ 10a
- Dee came to get me @ quarter past 11a
- went to Walmart with Dee and the boys
- watched the boys while she went in to the doctor’s office
- went to Olive Garden for lunch
- got sick while there
- came home at about 2:30p
- Em called
- did some witchschool studying
- made dinner
- hung with the hubby
- went to Borders w/ Jenn at 8:45p to get my chakra kit and Bitch Magazine
- went to Jenns at 10:15p
- went to the Rock Room w/ Jenn and Steve to see Cody Stage Fright @ 11p
- left Rock Room @ 1a after 4 Tall Johnny Vegas‘ and hella good music (Really, watching Derek Herrington play is an AMAZING religious experience!)
- going to bed @ about 1:30 or 2a
19
Nov
08
Wednesday Weirdness 11/19/08
From: Wednesday Weirdness
1.) Have you ever taken your clothes off for money? Never
2.) Are you a morning person or a night owl? Depends on the day. My circadian rhythm is off. I have DSPD or (Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder)
3.) Do you take any kind of medication daily or regularly? If so, what? I take a ton of meds regularly, Diabetes meds, vitamins, sleep meds, antacids.
4.) Do you ever have naughty thoughts about any of your friends significant others? Never.
5.) What are your favorite comfort foods? Mashed Potatoes
6.) Would you rather direct a porn or star in one? Direct, definitely!
7.) Have you ever seen a “donkey show“? Would you ever be interested in seeing one? Ummm… No, and no.
8.) On a scale of 1 to 10, how gullible of a person would you say you are? about a 4 or 5.
18
Nov
08
Today, in list form 11/18/08
- got up at 8:30a
- blogged
- dishes
- witch school
- research for witch school
- homework for witch school
- made dinner
- hung out and played with Moe
- watched House
- blogged
- shower
- Watch Law & Order SVU
- go to bed at 11p
17
Nov
08
Today, in list form 11/17/08
- woke up at 7a
- blogged
- felt nauseous
- laid down and watched crappy tv all day
- froze while doing so
- talked to Kate
- Ted made us dinner
- watched some more tv
- Ted and I went to Walmart to buy a small heater to compensate for how cold it is in here
- came home
- laid down and watched more crappy tv
- going to bed at about 11:15p
17
Nov
08
No smoking
165 hours since my last cigarette!
16
Nov
08
Today, in list form 11/16/08
- woke up at 5a
- blogged
- surfed the net
- went to bed at 7:45a
- woke up at 10:30a
- Jenn called
- hung out with Ted
- went to Jenns
- Ted came to get me
- made dinner
- Ryan came over to fix the car
- watched True Blood
- going to bed at 10:15p
good night, all!
16
Nov
08
Unconscious Mutterings 11/16/08
From: Unconscious Mutterings
I say … and you think … ?
- Please stop :: breaking my heart, it’s getting to hard to ignore.
- Move over :: you’re not the only one who needs space you know.
- Sweet as :: you are, you’re not going to get away with it this time.
- Bet :: you a million bucks that she didn’t expect that.
- Mad about :: so much, it’s not even funny.
- It’s over :: ’nuff said.
- Intend to :: try to forget you.
- Blame :: me for way to much in this situation.
- Jefferson :: Airplane.
- Heartless :: as a mofo.
All of this was SO negative… Ugh!
15
Nov
08
Today, in list form 11/15/08
- woke at 10a
- made coffee
- blogged
- talked to Em
- talked to Jen who informed me that she’s bailing on Thanksgiving, AFTER I bought things special for her
- went to the Holistic festival
- came home
- made dinner
- finished laundry
- watched TV
- going to bed at 10p
So I have been dealing with this issue now, and after I talked to C. I had decided a few things. B. can’t feel too guilty or he wouldn’t have done what he did Wednesday morning. I mean, I would (and did) totally understand why our friendship had to end but with these enlightening little facts, it’s hard to believe that he has shoved me aside because it’s what A. would have wanted. Would A. have approved of what happened Wednesday morning? I think not. So, it made me think (and drink (and get angry)) I have made some serious FUCKED up mistakes, yes, I can admit to and take full responsibility for my words and deeds. I was a bitch and I can never make up for that. I know. But he has made some mistakes too, like missing my wedding when I came to get him and because of waiting at his door so long, I WAS LATE TO MY OWN WEDDING. I have never gotten an apology for that. I never thought to expect one until now. He was my friend and I didn’t question his reasons. If he had an excuse, I knew that it wasn’t intentional. I know it wasn’t, but I have still never received an apology. Why is it that I must be continuously punished wrong-doings, and he isn’t even required to apologize for his. Then… epiphany… I realized that I am only his friend when it is convenient for him. I have been cast aside, more than once. I though we had this amazing friendship. I have wasted years and tears mourning our friendship. I have kept him in my heart and in my thoughts. Ted and I frequently reminisce about fun times we’d had with him and the group. I always wanted to have him back in our lives. We used to cook together and it was always amazing. I have cried so many times, regretting (as I still and always will) what I did to he and A. But now, after Wednesday afternoon, when he called me for the last time, I realized that I am only brought around when he needs me and I am cast off when he is done. He called Wednesday to thank me for something that Ted, J. Ca. and I got for him. Now, he knew as of Sunday when he told me that we could no longer talk, that I was devastated. He had to know, I could barely talk without crying. So, knowing that, why did he call me and not J. or Ca.? He had to know that his phone call would just set me off again. But he thanked me and I did appreciate that and he told me what he was going to do with it and all. Then he told me that if years down the line, he needs me, he’ll call me. That proved it to me. When I am needed. You know what? I have now lost him three times. Three times, my heart has been shattered and I don’t know if I can go through it again. I would love to have him in our life. Even after all of this realization, I still can’t hate him. I SO want to. It would make this whole process that much easier. So, Wednesday, after I got so drunk that I passed out. I decided that I would just put B. out of my head. Be angry, I told myself. Be hurt. Just forget him. So, I have been trying. When B. pops into my head, I do something or think of something else. I have been doing this since Wednesday evening. Each night, I have fucked up dreams. He and A. are in them all. I had been forgetting about them almost as soon as I woke. Until this morning that is. When Ted got up, he told me that I was yelling and crying in my sleep. I have not done that in years. I guess if I don’t deal with it while I am awake, I will do so in my sleep. I just don’t know what to do. Do I keep grieving him, since this is not an issue that I can resolve, or do I keep repressing it and fight this battle in my sleep? I am so tired of being sad and angry? I really wish that he hadn’t contacted me in August. I know I got closure and I got to really apologize and that felt really good, but now, I have to deal with all of this all over again. I hate it. Then to be pushed away in the name of loving A. only to find out what he did that was worse than talking to me… I am so confused and hurt. So, there it is… Tell me what to do.
15
Nov
08
Today, in list form 11/14/08
- got up at 9a
- went to the doctor had tests
- came home
- made lunch
- went to walmart to start buying stuff for Thanksgiving dinner
- went to aldi to continue doing so
- came home
- cleaned the kitchen
- made my test batch of egg nog (IT CAME OUT FABULOUS)
- andrea came over to test it and she agreed
- made dinner
- went to Jessica’s
- on the way home, saw some drunk fuck wreck. called 911
- went to bed at 12:45a
13
Nov
08
Today, in list form 11/13/08
- woke up at 4:30a
- talked to Dee at 4:45a because she messaged me on Myspace at 4:40a
- talked to Em for over an hour because she texted me at 5:15a
- blogged
- cleaned the whole house
- listened to music
- crocheted more of the blanket for Maria’s baby
- took a nap
- watched tv
- went out to dinner
- went to Meijer’s
- came home
- watched Sweeney Todd
- bed at about midnight
13
Nov
08
No Smoking
It has been 53 hours and 13 minutes since I quit smoking!
13
Nov
08
To Do List 11/13/08
- Routine list (morning 9:35a, afternoon, evening)
- dishes 8:25a
- make bed 9:15a
- vacuum bedroom 9:32a
- clean living room 7:38a
- vacuum living room 8:52a
- fix up daybed 8:15a
- clean bathroom 7:58a
- sweep bathroom 8:05a
- clean kitchen 8:33a
- sweep kitchen 8:42a
- wash floors 9:11a
- write pen pal letters
- open letters (Scott, Brian?)
- poems (charger, double fisting shots of cum and cookie dough)
- take out futon mattress to curb 7:25a
12
Nov
08
Today, In list form 11/12/08
- Up at 9:30a
- blogged
- Chrissy called and gave me some pretty horrendous information
- got pissed
- got sad
- got really angry
- got confused
- got really drunk
- called Jen
- decided that my prospective on friendship is maimed
- decided to make ANOTHER major life change
The above was ALL BEFORE NOON!!!
- Talked to Jen
- Brian called and told me that “she’d be pissed off for me calling.” Oh really? Hmmm…
- stomped around the flat talking to my drunk self
- wished I had a cigarette
- got more drunk
- Chrissy called to tell me I didn’t have to babysit later (good thing)
- moped around
- took a shower
- uploaded more pictures
- Tried to pretend that I am not just a convenient piece of disposable human, to be used and set aside as needed
- wrote to Scott and told him that even though he may, I have no “unfinished” business with him and that I needed him to disappear.
- He wrote back that I was not “as innocent as I pretended to be”, except, I put it ALL on the table. I hid nothing after the fact and if he can’t deal with his own inadequacies as a father and as a friend, if he can’t even be truthful to himself about the fucked up shit he did and said, then he’ll never have his kid or true friends.
- Made and had dinner
- laid in bed moping
- watched tv
- loved the husband
- went to bed at about 10:30p
12
Nov
08
Today, in list form 11/11/08
- up at 9a
- blogged
- talked to Chrissy
- talked to Jenn
- talked to mom
- blogged
- Em came over
- we dl’ed music
- we worked on making snowflakes
- we talked a lot
- I watched the clock a lot, wondering how Brian was doing.
- Em left about 4p
- made dinner
- began to ul pictures to send to Kate to send to Brian
- watched tv
- talked to Chrissy
- uled more photos
- Talked to Jenn
- uled more photos
- talked to Mom
- uled more photos
- went to bed at about 1:30a
11
Nov
08
That’s My Answer 11/11/08
From:
It’s the odd-pet-give-away day and someone just gave you three little fuzzy turanchulas. Where will you keep them, and what will you name them?
RIP my first two tarantulas, Sabrina and Tabitha… I loved those girls!
Me holding Amanda's tarantula. I don't remember her name though.
These, though I would like to get to know them first, would be: Gwendolyn, Githa and Feronia… I would keep them in a nice reptile, full air enclosure with a large plant for them to climb in and nest near. Lots of bedding and places for them to hide also would be added. I love me some spiders.
11
Nov
08
I hate who I am…
I hate who I am… I hate that I have not been a better friend… I have made the most horrible mistakes with several of my friends, some of which I have hurt so badly that I will never, nor should I be, forgiven. I have been so lucky in my life. I have been blessed with MANY of the world’s greatest friends and sadly, I can think of at least one major wrong that I have commited on each and every one of them. I do not deserve my friends. My pen pals are the lucky ones. I consider a few of them, Jenny O, Tanja, and Maria are my best long distance friends. As much as I would like to meet them, I am also glad I can’t. Even with Maria I have made some major mistakes, though not as bad as the people who are physically close to where I live. I have made some major changes in my life. I am more conscience of what I say and do to my friends, but unfortunately, that does not repair any of the friendships that I have devastated and left in my wake, broken and hurt. Now, even though I am a different person, I have to suffer the consequences of the hurts I have caused along the way, I have to learn an eternal lesson by losing friends and wishing I could have another chance that will never come and that I am so undeserving of. So, now is the time I need to make another change. While I am far more aware of what I do and say, I need to let go of, but never forget, my past mistakes. I need to grieve the loss of my friends that I know I will never get to enjoy again. The people who have beautifully adorned my life with their love and friendship only to be hurt by me.
Goodbye Crysta, Brian and Amanda… I miss you all so much!
11
Nov
08
Today, in list form 11/10/08
- got up at 9a
- moped around
- ate breakfast
- moped around some more
- Holly picked me up
- babysat Joshua from 12:30p
- played with Joshua
- Jim’s mom came over at about 4p
- I loved Jim’s mom. She was so cute and she talked about SO MUCH in so short a time span but she was adorable
- Ted came to get me at about 5p
- came home
- made dinner
- watched True Blood
- talked to Emily
- Jenn came over after the viewing
- we hung out some
- we smoked
- she went home
- blogged
- going to bed by 12:30a
10
Nov
08
Strike Three
This is strike three for me. I have lost him for the last time. The first time was for two years and I am not even exactly sure what happened, really. I know that it was because I disapproved of the woman he was dating, who I had known for half of my life. He was my best friend and I just didn’t want him to be hurt. He is too good a guy and I couldn’t stand to see him with this girl who I knew wasn’t good enough for him.
This past time was for 5 years. Again, it was about a woman who I thought would hurt him and his family, but I overstepped my bounds to say the least. I was jealous that he never had time for me, angry that he seemed to not have time for his family, and at the end, I said the most monstrous things that I had ever said to him. I just wanted him to understand the immensity of what I had been feeling. He had told me that I thrived on controversy and I took offense to that. What I should have done was realize how right he was. I didn’t see it and my subconscious didn’t want to admit it. That time, I got to be angry and hurt. I didn’t think of the pain I had inflicted on him and his love. For 5 long years, I missed out on his life, and soon, I began to change. I began to realize how I invited drama into my life. I saw him a couple of times, once at Trinity’s funeral. And He was so cold, understandably. I just wanted to say how sorry I was. To try to undo what I had done. But words are sometimes more powerful than deeds. No amount of talking and tears could possibly take back what I had said to him, what I had tried to do. I was a monster to him. After he got married in June of last year, I saw his wedding pictures on his Myspace and I couldn’t help but tell him that I knew that he and she would be so happy together and to congratulate him. I just wanted him to know that I had changed. That I no longer was the horrible bitch that I once was. On August 18th, he messaged me. He said that it had been a long time and that we needed to talk. I called him and I couldn’t believe that I was getting an opportunity to apologize to him for real. His wife couldn’t know we were talking, after all, she hated me and had every reason in the world to. I told him that I felt guilty that we were talking behind her back, and that I was half tempted to just stop. But I didn’t. He tried to feel out hoe his wife would feel about me by telling him that I was getting them information through his little sister about a serious situation they had. She told him that it was fine if I went through his sister, but if I came back into their life, she would be gone. I had done THAT much damage. I was THAT bad in her heart. I deserved that. Brian and I continued to talk a bit, though noticeably less. A couple of months ago, his wife was diagnosed with cancer, and on Friday, November 7th, she passed away, unexpectedly from complications from the biopsy surgery. I couldn’t believe it. My best friend was a widower at 30 years old, less than 17 months after his wedding day. I was so worried about him, and I still am. I didn’t hear from him Friday or Saturday, and I knew that I wouldn’t go to the viewing or funeral. I know that his wife wouldn’t have wanted it. But he called me Sunday night to tell me himself. I understood completely. There was no need to say it, but I appreciated it. We talked a bit and then he had to go. A little bit later he called again. We talked for a few. He told me what his plans were for the funeral, gave me a link to the website where her memorial video was, told me that he wanted me to at least have that since I couldn’t go. Then, he told me that his wife knows about all of his secrets. That there weren’t many, but now, in death she knows. That he needs to continue to live for her an do what she would have wanted him to do. And included not continuing to talk to me. My heart broke. I wanted to cry and stiffled back tears. After all, what right did I have to cry about this when he had just lost his wife. But, I was devastated. I know exactly what he means by this and I totally understand. I wish it could have been different, I wish I could be there for him in this horrible time of grief, but know know that this is what needs to be done. Part of me wishes that he had never contacted me in the first place, so that I wouldn’t be grieving for our friendship for a third time, but then I remember that I did have 2 and a half months to tell him how sorry I was, to try and prove that I really had changed, to get some sort of closure. I got to get a “good” ending to our friendship this time. We didn’t go out screaming or saying bad things. You see, Up until last night, I hadn’t told him I was glad to have his friendship back, because I wasn’t sure that we were friends again. He hadn’t called me “friend” and I didn’t want to push it. But last night, I told him that he would be in my heart forever, like he always has been and always will be. I told him that I would always consider him one of my very best friends. That is a very true statement. He has been and I will never forget him. He will always be on my mind. May will always remind me of him as will October. Whenever I see the Nightmare before Christmas, I will think of his wife and her awesome love for everything “Nightmare”. I will deal with this. I will continue to send him my strength through the universe. I wish I could be there for him. After he told me that we could no longer talk and I was trying to keep from crying, I finally told him that I didn’t want to sound like a bitch, that I totally understood, but I had to go. I needed to end this. I needed to cry and I refused to do that with him after he had just gone through and will continue to go through the worst experience of his life. He said that he understood, said goodbye, and that was the end. I honestly wish I could have talked to him longer, I wish I could have told him everything that I needed to say to him, but I could tell he was having a hard enough time and honestly, what I want doesn’t matter. At least no right now.
After I hung up, I lost it. I couldn’t believe that I had lost him for a third time. I had been telling Ted and Jenn that I had to prove myself and not fuck up, because I know, three strikes and you’re out. Here I was, sitting alone in the living room, not only mourning the death of his beloved wife, a woman that I truly wish I could have gotten to know and establish a real friendship with, but also, the friendship of someone that I care about deeply. But that doesn’t compare even minisculely to the grief that he is feeling. And for that, I will try to suck all of this up. I got to say good bye. He didn’t just up and disappear like he could have done easily. He gave me the opportunity to say goodbye, and he gave me closure, and for that I will be eternally grateful.
Jenn called me when she got home to hear me just a shade short of hysterical. She couldn’t understand me at first, but when I calmed down enough to tell her, she asked me to come over. Jenn has been there through all of my bad times and this was no exception. I went over and we smoked and I cried. She tried to tell me that he’s grieving right now and to give it time. But I know him. Maybe not as well as I used to, but I know him enough to know that when he makes a decision, it’s final. I refuse to get my hopes up for something that will never happen. And as sad as I am about it, I know it has to be this way. I know that this is something that he must do.
I only wish I could have been able to apologize to his wife. I sent her a Myspace message, but I don’t think she ever read it. She hadn’t been on in months when I sent it. I hope that she knows now, in death, that I truly regret everything I did to her and to them.
10
Nov
08
Today, in list form 11/09/08
still not doing well, so this is the short version
- woke up
- went to do laundry
- but Ted got sick, so I took him home
- did laundry
- decided on flowers to send for Amanda’s funeral
- came home and moped
- hoped that Brian was okay
- talked to Holly and we decided I would watch Joshua for her so she didn’t have to take him to the funeral home
- let Scott bitch me out some more
- watched some tv
- Crissy called to offer me a babysitting job that I took. It’s for 3 days a week
- Emily came over with Nick for a few before her gig
- Brian called, like I was hoping
- Talked to Ryan
- talked to Jen
- Brian called back and delivered the most devastating news next to him losing his wife
- cried like a baby for a half hour
- Jen called to ask me to come over
- went to Jen’s, smoked and cried and cried and cried.
- came home
- going to bed at 2a
Hopefully I will be able to write more after tomorrow. I don’t know how I am supposed to handle losing him for a third time, but I know that he’s right and I fully understand. Amanda was his life and she was more than just his wife. I just wish she could have forgiven me before she died. I hope she knows, where ever she is, that I am so sorry for all of the pain I caused. I know it seems to little, too late, but I wish I really could have gotten to know her and finally establish a friendship with her. Rest in Peace Amanda Marie Ogden… You really were, truly, an amazing woman. If you weren’t Brian wouldn’t love you as much as he so obviously does.
09
Nov
08
Still
I am still not feeling up to blogging today… I will come back soon. I promise.
