Updated letter to Amy

“Somebody tell me what made us all believe you. I should have known all along it was all a lie.” — Amy Lee

September 22nd, 2010

Dear Amy,

I would like to say that I didn’t think you’d fall. I would like to say that I believed, like each and every time before that once you got the kids back that you’d stay sober. The thing is that I don’t think you ever got sober to begin with. After all these years of watching you care more about the bottle than your kids or even yourself, being thrilled when you “got sober” only to be crushed, yet again by your agonizing fall off the wagon, not just once, but over, and over, and over again, I have come to the realization that your good moments come and go away quickly and your words and actions are to be completely distrusted. I would love to tell you that since I knew that inevitably this moment would come, I wasn’t devastated by your lack of will power, strength, caring, motivation or the fact that once again, you refuse to take full and total responsibility for your actions but the fact is that I am, Ted is, and most importantly, Andrea and the littles are as well.

The first time you screwed up, I was surprised and disappointed that after nine months of supposed sobriety, seemingly doing well within the program set out for you by the state and the fact that you were about to get your kids back, you decided for whatever selfish reason to drink again. I thought, however, that since you stopped drinking after the first double shot the day before mother’s day and immediately turned yourself in to the proper authorities, you had learned, that even if you fall back, you know that the safety and welfare of your kids come first. After the second fuck up I realized that the only reason you did the “right thing” was because you knew that if you did it first, the courts would see that you were at least taking responsibility of your actions and were regaining the control that you had previously lacked. Since then, I have spoken to you several times while you were wasted and I knew that this cycle was never going to end. You play the system like a fiddle and you are Charlie Daniels. You know how to manipulate everyone and everything around you and instead of working hard to fix yourself and make things right, you work twice as hard to find every possible way around the rules. When the court gave the kids back to you, I knew it was too soon. You acted like you were doing everything right, that you had changed your attitude and understood what made you “relapse”. But I could tell that your changes were on the outside. It’s so easy to tell what an act it is. You tell people what they want to hear, you say all those pretty words that make people think that you’ve really grown and changed when in all actuality, you’re being manipulative and condescending.

I thought that we had become immune to your fuck ups. Though we no longer find ourselves falling for all the things you have done “right” and though I wish we could say that even though our hearts no longer fill with joy and our hopes no longer get inflated (because in the end, everything comes crashing down around us all) Andrea, Matthew, Alice, Ted and I are still highly affected by the choices and decisions that you continue to make. Everyone in the situation suffers, especially your kids. The thing is, your kids had faith in you. They held the belief that you were doing what was right for not only yourself, but them as well. Your children are once again beyond devastated. How selfish can you be?

When this all began, Grandma and Grandpa’s future plans had to remain on hold, Ted and I had to watch a young woman’s faith in the world shred into tiny pieces and we watched two beautiful children become more angry and confused as the months passed. Meanwhile, you got more tattoos, created a whole new home with brand new furniture, game systems, televisions not even in preparation to get your kids back… Everyone else suffered financially and mentally while you played and the kids didn’t have parents. You ruined Andrea’s entire senior year. The kids hated almost everything and everyone, everyone’s life was at a standstill and the list goes on and on. You, however got to go to bars, parties, reunions, and you got to play with the kids when it suited you. You complained when the state talked about making you pay child support, even after you collected Scott’s money and food stamps meant for a family of 5 for three months after the kids were taken. You were having the time of your life living for yourself and not seeming to give a shit about your kids or the people who were taking care of them. You complained about having to do any of the things that any parent does on a daily basis and then bitched that you didn’t have your full parental rights. Then, when you got your kids back, when the judge went out on a limb and wasn’t as “conservative” as he usually is, you laughed in the face of us all and did whatever the hell you wanted.

I am devastated by the fact that you can’t seem to stay sober. I am sick of hearing about how you have to do this for yourself and you can’t do it for anyone else, including your kids. I am sick of hearing how AA is such a help to you when one of their regularly used phrases is “I am powerless over my addiction.” You are NOT powerless. You have the choice to NOT buy booze. You have the choice NOT to put a drink to your lips and you HAVE the CHOICE to take responsibility for the fact that you care more about having fun, filling your own desires and doing what you want than making your kids happy, healthy and safe. And I am even more sick of hearing about how you’re sick and that this is a disease. Alcoholism is a CHOICE. Alcoholism is a road that you choose to take, and even though there are several streets that can and will take you off this road, you choose to continue on. You’re not sick, you’re weak, you’re cowardly and you’re selfish.

You blame your set backs on so many things, but lately, it seems that you are blaming your terrible past and the failure of your marriage the most. I am aware of the fact that you have a lot of issues from your past that definitely need to be addressed, but why do you have to blame that for the choices you make? There are so many people that have had it a lot worse than you who make a wonderful life for their kids. And I find it funny that you blame your marriage issues as well because you have already moved on to the next man (or men) who will support you and enable you. You have hidden this fact from everyone except a few people. How can you expect me, Andrea, or anyone else for that fact to believe that you are so upset over the break up of your marriage that you can’t help but drink, when you’re already head over heels in love and planning your next wedding on the beach with flowers in your hair. You’ve told me for quite some time that you’re sick of Michael. More recently, a few TDM’s ago, you said that you drank because you feeling overwhelmed by the fact that you were almost done with school, you were about to start an internship that will most likely lead to a full time job, you were about to get the kids back… Really? What was supposed to happen when the kids came home and you’re under ten feet of stress? What then? What made you think that if you were drinking over the possibilities of all the good things, you weren’t race to the bottom of the bottle when things go wrong or even when they were perfectly fine. Meanwhile, you’re wasting the states money that could more benefit children in need by taking weeks and weeks of couples therapy that you damn well is only for show. We both know that if your rights are terminated, Michael is out the door. You, the kids and the family has been a beard for him. You were all a ready made family portrait to hide the fact that he’s a bisexual (or gay) man. You LET you family live this strange and twisted lie of a family for far too long.

I am beginning to think that you liked having things the way they were. You got weekend visits with your kids if you wanted, you didn’t have to pay to support them, and you got to do whatever the hell you wanted the rest of the time. You got to redecorate and party and come and go as you saw fit.

The safety plan is a joke! You have been allowed to drink without major consequences. You lost 45 days with the kids coming home. You didn’t lose your visitation with the kids after you drank twice when they almost on their way home for good. You didn’t implement it when you drank after they came home either. You’ve learned how to make your “relapses” seem like they’re okay so long as you tell on yourself once you have gotten caught. I truly believe that they weren’t even ”relapses”, I just think that you have been drinking the whole time but hadn’t been caught. Until now.

I am done. I am finished feeling guilty for taking part in the call that took your kids from you, because I know that they weren’t safe with you. I honestly wish that Adrienne and I had done it a lot earlier. When you gave Andrea a black eye, for instance. RIGHT THEN I should have made the call rather than waiting more than two years and then having Adrienne offer to take me to the school to talk to the social worker and then having her tell us to call CPS. I am done trying to regain our friendship because honestly, how can I be friends with someone who can treat her kids like they’re not worth anything to her, and a person who I can’t trust and a person who can lie to my face? My only connection to you now is through your children and if your rights are terminated, I will have no connection to you at all. I love your kids and care about their welfare. I don’t try to sabotage their lives like I have witnessed you do and like I have witnessed you allow Michael to do. I have given up a lot to make sure that Andrea had as much as I could give her (and continue to give her) and you know what? I think that even though I couldn’t give her her own room or make sure she had her privacy, I made sure she had almost everything she needed and I gave her some of what she wanted. The one thing I can’t give her that she needs is a real mother. You have proven that you’re not a mother. You’re a drunk. I hope, even if I don’t believe, that you’ll get sober. Even if you lose the kids permanently, I hope that you find whatever it is you need to find peace without a drink. I hope that you can somehow regain the trust from your children. More so, I hope that they will not become jaded and will be able to trust people. That they will know true love when it is given to them. I hope that they don’t always wait for the other shoe to drop. If they turn out to be normal, healthy adults, I will be surprised, and I will not give you any credit for it. You are on your own now. You have your friends who enable you, but what good will they be for you in the long run? Even if your rights are terminated, the kids will seek you out when they’re adults and they will still need to see that though their childhoods were fucked, things can get better. Miracles can happen. There is ALWAYS hope.

I don’t want anything to do with you now. I hope you’re happy with the fact that you missed your daughter’s first and last day of her senior year, her first and last homecoming, her first and last prom, her graduation from high school, her 18th birthday, graduation party, and soon, her first day of college. You could quite possibly miss the rest of the kids’ childhoods; Graduations, marriages, babies. Is the bottle really worth all that? Ted and I stood in as Andrea’s parents for over a year. It had been a tumultuous year for the kids. Ted and I shouldn’t have been the ones standing with the parents at graduation to receive the praise of the graduates and the staff of the school. And as much as I loved being able to stand there for her, I also felt the biggest feeling of guilt. Not the guilt that you think I should have, but the guilt that I hadn’t done something about your drinking sooner. Maybe if I had, you would have been sober and able to stand there at Andrea’s graduation yourself, where you should have been. Instead, I am positive that you sat at home, blaming everyone but yourself for the fact that you were not welcome to see Andrea’s most important accomplishment to date. You chose the bottle, you chose self satisfaction, you chose self pity, you chose hatred, you chose deceit and most importantly, you chose YOU.

Do you have any clue to what the past year was like for Andrea? Have you ever, for one moment thought about what you put her through without putting yourself into consideration? You have ruined just about every beautiful moment this year could have held for her. She wasn’t there to see the kid’s first day of school last year. She didn’t have the chance to talk to them afterwards to find out how it went for them and on top of it, you called me, wasted out of your mind and pretend to be okay, you pretend to be genuinely curious about her first day; She didn’t get to go with them on Halloween, steal their candy or give them some of her own; She missed Thanksgiving with them, even though she got an “after Thanksgiving” with them, it just wasn’t the same. Putting up the Christmas tree, for the first time without them, damn near crippled her emotionally. I watched her spiral into a depression that no amount of Christmas music, love or happiness could heal. I watched her as she sat, depressed, wishing with all of her soul that she could be with the family that you so selfishly tore apart. Christmas was once again without them and it was near impossible to try to convince her that things were going to be okay; When Andrea got her Gold Key for her photo portfolio and had it go to Nationals, where was the huge fanfare? She had me and Ted, but everything else was from afar. She needed her siblings to help her celebrate; She rang in the New Year without the kids. Counting down to midnight, watching the ball drop and fireworks meant nothing. Once again another first that she wasn’t expecting so soon; Valentines day felt like a slap in the face without her family. You ruined her LAST day of high school by being wasted, and when we tried to help you, you lied to her on the phone and to me, straight to my face. I am convinced you only told on yourself that time because it got you out of trouble the previous “relapse”; On her graduation day, you contacted her by text, though she expressly and in front of everyone at the TDM said that she did NOT want you to contact her. You then gave her your famous fucking attitude after she let you know, AGAIN, that she didn’t want you to contact her. Your display of selfishness on the afternoon of her graduation day was not only ignorant, but sad. She knows that you’re thinking about her. We all knew you’d be thinking about her. You didn’t need to push yourself on her and then get an attitude when her response to you wasn’t full of glee. This day was NOT about you or how you are feeling or what you felt you needed to say. This day was about her, her wants, her wishes and you couldn’t even respect her that much. Regardless of what you may think, she was doing very well without your bullshit and drama. You had no right to be angry or upset with her for her reactions. They were justified and you know it. If you disagree, then it just goes to show how far you still need to go before you will “recover” from your issues. But the part of this year that I got to witness the most ruin of was her 18th birthday. You twisted my words and made me the bad guy and didn’t come to greet Andrea when she got off the bus from Chicago. You know damn well that when I called off the dinner for the 18th, I was NOT calling off the welcome home. I specifically said that “Dinner was off.” When you called me on the way to the busses, pissed off and with a shit ton of attitude, I was appalled and shocked. You didn’t come because you were already in your pajamas, yet the next day, you talked about how you were at a party or bonfire shortly before. You could have changed and driven the few miles to the school to be there for your oldest daughter. How many more moments in at least Andrea’s life are you willing to ruin? Sadly, you’re doing it to the littles as well. They ask why they have to be punished for you and Scott’s mistakes. They tell us that they feel like they’re in a mosh pit at a Slipknot concert being beaten and bashed about and how they can’t get out. They don’t talk about the actual issues too much. Instead, they hold everything inside, get bitter, angry and hurt. Alice spent an entire school year leaving class, most of the time on several occasions per day, to get hugs from perfect strangers. Matthew has become more and more aggressive both verbally and mentally. You have continually raised their hopes, knowing what the truth is, and then when your promises were left unfulfilled, you let Grandma and Grandpa be the bad guys and tell them what we all had known before but what you were too much of a coward to admit to them; You still weren’t fit to take them home. And every time that happened, it was someone else’s fault. Like it always is. Then, when you finally get them back, you still managed to get drunk frequently and though you didn’t get caught until you were foolish enough to call Lisa while you were wasted, you showed your children that you cared less for them than the bottle. By the way. Do you really think that you were kidding anyone by trying to convince the world that you chose to drink AFTER Joann came to see you? You had called Andrea and babbled her ear off for n hour, called Lisa several times then saw Joann and every single one of them knew you were drunk. Quit lying, quit manipulating and quit thinking the everyone around you is so damn stupid. You continue to leave behind you, a wake of broken hopes, shattered dreams, horrifying nightmares, dying faith and a warped sense of trust and now, after you had them home with you just to lose them yet again, you do it yet again. You are caught drunk when we come to you because Scott is drunk and you tried to lie about that as well. Who are you going to blame for this one? Who can you pin your fuck up on this time? When they are taken from you and Scott permanently, who do you hope the kids blame?

You’re also going to be missing another pivotal moment in Andrea’s life. She has fallen in love with Aimee. She’s in a really happy and healthy relationship and she wanted you to be a part of it. She let you in, welcomed you into her home while she was moving into a whole new stage of her life and you failed her again. She’s transitioning very well despite the fact that you have once again broken her faith. Every time she moves ahead, you do something to step in her way. Then, you begin communications with her girlfriend to keep tabs on Andrea. We all know that you’re trying to win Andrea back by trying to win over her girlfriend. The thing is, it won’t work.

Andrea would like, at 18 years old, to take custody of her siblings. She’s willing to work ten times harder than you ever have to make sure that Matthew and Alice have everything they need and some of what they want. She wants to make sure that they don’t spend any more time in their little lives feeling sad, afraid or growing up thinking that the life that they have with you is anything close to normal. She wants to break the cycle. Both Andrea and Anthony are paying for how you and Scott raised them, she doesn’t want the kids to grow up “all fucked up”. Instead, they are in a foster home with strangers. They are living a life that they should not have to. Andrea is fighting to keep the “visitation” that she should rightfully have. Because of you and Scott, she has to schedule times to see and talk to the children that she has raised since she was 12. Because of the two of you and your selfish lives, she has grown accustomed to being their parent and now, because of you, her rights to the kids are being terminated as well. How fair is that to her or them?

I want to remind you about what you are doing to Andrea. You have, countless times, raised her hopes, then crushed them. She will never fully give up on you. She will always need the mother that has, for the past several years not been there for her in almost any way consistently. She will always be there when you say you’re sober and finally doing what you’re supposed to do. A girl never, no matter how angry or hurt she is, no matter what she says, completely gives up on their mother. Every time you do this to her, you kill more and more of her. If you don’t stop, or just stay away from her until you’ve honestly, fully, completely become sober, you will create a person who will never, ever fully trust someone. Someone who will always wonder what is being hidden from her. Someone who will think that she’s being lied to even when she isn’t. Is that what you want for her? Andrea’s life is a fresh one now. She’s starting over. Lucky for her, this is a regular time for a huge life change.

Look, I know that you have a lot of demons that you need to face. Fuck, we all do. But you’re taking your sweet time dealing and in the mean time, you’re messing up the kids’ lives and they’re missing out on a regular life of their own. Get on with it already or just let go. If you can’t make your own life work, give up your kids. Let them be adopted so they can stop waking each and every day wondering what the hell is going to happen today, so they can adjust to a way of life and know that it will be consistent and safe. You can’t have it both ways if you want them to come out healthy. What are you teaching them with all of this inconsistency and drinking and failing and not taking responsibility for your own mistakes? You’re creating people who may not function properly in the world as adults. You also have to stop letting everyone else be the bad guys. You need to step up and tell the kids that it’s YOUR fault they got taken away, that they stayed gone so long and that they were taken away again. Take responsibility for the fact that they are in a foster home and unable to see any of us with any regularity. Explain to them that it is yours and Scott’s fault and not mine or Andrea’s or the court’s or even your “sickness’”. YOU need to tell them that you are an alcoholic and YOU choose to drink repeatedly. YOU choose to put YOU before them, because Amy, that’s exactly what you do and have been doing for a long time. You constantly let everyone else do your dirty work so that the kids continue to love and adore you. All you’re doing is setting them up for a huge let down.

I may not have kids of my own. Believe me, you have and will NEVER let me forget that. I know that you think I have no clue how to raise a child, especially one of yours. The 13 months we had with Andrea has taught me that giving birth doesn’t make someone a mother and being a mother doesn’t require giving birth. And I know that you think that I have done everything in my power to steal your children from you, but I would give anything for them to have a mother who they can look up to and be able to trust with every bit of their being. And I think I know quite a bit about raising kids, especially yours. I think that for the most part I am someone they can look up to a little and definitely trust. I think that they all know that they’re needs will ALWAYS go before my own. I would give ANYTHING for your children’s happiness, healthiness and safety. I would give my life to save them both mentally and physically. I wish I could take away the hurt of the past several years, but especially the last one. I wish I could have helped to give them the childhood that they deserved rather than the one filled with booze, possibly coke back in the trailer, fighting, car accidents, jail, being hit in the face by her mother and years of living with a stepfather who always and in almost every aspect came before the kids. I am so sick of being accused of having CPS on speed dial and that I have picked and chose what kids to keep, and don’t get me started on Michael.

I have very little clue why you married Michael, besides the fact that you always need a man who can financially enable your drinking habit. It’s pretty obvious that you don’t and haven’t loved him in a long time, if ever. You have stayed with him through so many things that would make any real, loving mother get up and run. You allowed him to stay after he stole thousands of dollars from you, blamed Anthony for stealing from you, and you allowed your family to live without heat and hot water for quite a while so that he could have everything on his truck that he not only needed, but wanted. I can’t count the number of times he would fill his truck with all the best name brand snacks and food and then when he’d leave, there was almost nothing left in the house for the five people left. He had XM radio and video games and movies and pretty nighties and his clothes to be a cross-dresser in. He pawned your wedding ring for money to have fun instead of paying bills. YOU CHOSE to marry him still, knowing that all he was was a child who wanted nothing but a ready made family so he could either cover the fact that he’s bisexual from his family or just because he was too lazy to start one on his own. And because you are too scared to be by yourself, you latched on to the first man who you knew had little enough backbone to keep you in check despite what he would and had taken from the family. Michael is a liar and a manipulator and an enabler of the very worst kind and you have repeatedly put him before your kids. The sad thing is that now that you’re ready to get rid of him, it’s not for the health, safety and welfare of you or the kids, it’s because once again, you have found someone to replace him.

Speaking of Tony… Really? For twenty years (or so) you have hidden his true existence from the kids. Then, like a flash flood, you tell them of this life you had with him, and how you gave birth, not alone like you’ve been telling me and the kids for almost 2 decades, but with your fiancee and his family. You have let the kids believe what Scott told them, even though Scott’s been gone for over 6 years now. You allowed Anthony to be lied to about how he got his name and you wonder why the bigs have a hard time believing what you have to say. Tony may be a nice guy, but I am having a hard time believing that he’s THAT ready for a divorce. He sounds pretty happy on line. Are you really willing to break up a family so you can have the security that you need from being with another man to support and enable you? You seem ready to pick up and run away with him and the littles may not even know he exists yet. I was waiting for you to get them home, life would just begin to settle down and become normal again and then out Michael would go, in Tony will come and then they will be in turmoil again trying to figure out what the hell is happening in their lives again. Why are you always so willing to give up their emotional well being for your own needs? Now, there is talk of you and Brent hitting the sheets. What is wrong with you? Why do you feel the need to feed your desires rather than be a mother to the children who so desperately need you?

I will no longer keep the hope of your sobriety in the forefront of my head or heart. I will always secretly wish for it, but not for you, but for your kids. Man up, get your shit together and be a real mom to the only two kids you have left who respect and trust you. You’ll regret not doing it if you don’t do it soon.

I miss my friend and I know that I will never have her back. I miss the woman whose love for her children used to show on her face, in her eyes. I miss the woman who treated me with mutual respect instead of like a lesser person and more recently, an enemy. I am sick of hearing you talk to me about what you’ve lost and how I am the one who took it all from you. I am so sick of you telling me that our conversations, the ones that revolve around the daughter who has been raising herself and her younger siblings for the past several years, shouldn’t be spoken about to the “child” they’re about. Doesn’t she have the right to know what her mother is saying about her? I am sick of being told that my relationship with your kids has been inappropriate because they have chosen to confide in me rather than their drunk or high most of the time mother. I feel like you have been competing in this battle for your daughter and the funny thing is that it was never a competition to me. She’s your daughter, I’m her aunt. I have been repeatedly baffled by the fact that you have tried to make me choose between our friendship and the friendship with your kids, when what I was giving them was more than a “friendship”, but a place to unload the issues that they could no longer bring to you. I miss you, and I know I’ll never have you back. That absolutely kills me and I know that you don’t feel the same. The sad thing is that weather you do or don’t doesn’t even matter. That person is gone, amends can not and will not ever be made. I will stand by the choices I made for the rest of my life. Will you?

It’s time for a major change on everyone’s part. We’re not backing down any more. We’re not keeping quiet any more and we’re never going to quit fighting for the rights of the children whose rights you have stolen. The tides are changing and if you’re still unwilling to do what needs to be done, we’re waiting to step up and do what we need to do to ensure that your kids will have what’s rightfully theirs; Love, health, safety, consistency, faith, trust and a life full of happiness. Even if that means that NONE of us will be in their lives the way we want. You aren’t the only one losing them. Because of you, Scott and the selfishness you wallow in, we all lose. Thanks a lot.

Aimée

Today, in list form 09/10/2010

• Went to bed at 7:30 am
• Woke at noonish when Ted called me
• Went to the D for a spell
• Went with Bee and Aimee to Grans
• Had lunch
• played with the dogs
• talked a lot
• got books to read
• helped grandpa with the computer
• told awesome “Aimee’s grandpa” jokes that he LOVED!
• texted with Laura
• Came home
• Ate dinner
• Played on the computer
• Talked to Laura
• took a shower
• IMed Lyss and Jeff
• sent a few emails
• going to bed soon. Hopefully I will be able to get to sleep. I’m feeling like I did last night.

…of not knowing what to do and the inability to help…

A good friend of mine was arrested last night. I didn’t find out until this evening, after she was already out. Her sister, knowing that I was the only other person who knew the whole story, emailed me. She’s worried about her sister, who I love dearly. I know a lot about my friend’s issues, but her sister let me in on more. Stuff that has devastated me to find out. Now, I worry about this amazing woman even more than I did before. I don’t know what to do.

…of going to Hell, GCOM, chest colds and potty training…

So, On the 20th, Jen, Steve and I went to Hell.

That’s right friends, we went to Hell. (Check out the rest of the pictures on my Myspace.)The original intentions for the trip were to go to the Carnegie Library in Howell to do some research on a haunted property that GCOM is investigating. The archives of the library were amazing. Overwhelming at first, but I got help from this man, Milton Charbanaugh who is 90+ years old and the official Livingston county historian. He made things so much easier to understand. I got so much information. I think I may have been spoiled on this first investigation, because no other place I have been to has that much by way of files and history of the area. Unfortunately, that investigation didn’t happen as the occupants just couldn’t stand being there any longer and they moved. Speaking of GCOM, I am now an official member of the Ghost Chasers of Michigan as their researcher. I am soooo Excited! (See me here. I’m at the bottom. I look awful, but I don’t care. I am in GCOM!) I feel so welcomed into the group and everyone is so nice. I can’t wait to get together with them again. We have monthly meetings and they gather at a bar a few times a month, but with Ted being laid off… still… I just can’t afford to go to the bar. I can barely afford to keep the internet and let me tell you, the internet IS a neccesity to me.

I have Ted’s horrid chest cold. I am SO sick right now. I thought I would be getting better, but nooo… I woke up this morning because my lip had split in the middle of the night and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I am up before the puppy even. Ohhh, the puppy. I love Max. He is the sweetest little thing ever. He loves to cuddle and play. He and Moe seem to be the best of friends,

however he WILL NOT go potty in the litter box. He is too small to go potty outside, so we to have him litter train. It’s not working. I have no ideas left. We have tried so many things. But he is only 10 and a half weeks old. Moe potty trained so easily. Why is it so much harder with Max? Ugh!

I just finished reading “Twilight” by Stephanie Meyer. I didn’t think I would like it, but I was suprised. VERY, VERY surprised. I loved it and I can’t wait to read the next book. I love my YA books, but they never seem to grab me like this one did. I suggest you read them.

Well, I guess this is it for now. Take care!

Aimée

Update…

I was really on a roll, man! I had gone 53 day IN A ROW of posting in this blog. Mostly, it was meme’s but I was posting none the less. I got SOOOO sick on Friday night. I was vomiting all Friday night and most of Saturday. I was in pain. All of my joints hurt and I kept getting really  hot then really cold and I was running a fever. I just felt horrible. My beautiful husband waited on me hand and foot and I just wanted to do nothing but sleep. Sunday, I could eat and drink, but I was still so sore. My ribs and stomache muscles felt like I had been beated with a tire iron and it pretty much killed me to cough or breathe. On top of that, my CPAP machine that I use for my sleep apnea is on the fritz and I couldn’t use it. Ugh! I am feeling a whole lot better now. Kate called me three times yesterday to make sure I was okay. I love that girl. She just had the exact same thing earlier in the week and she’s pregnant and can’t take anything for when she’s sick. She’s suck a sweetie. I will be doing a photoshoot with her for her belly pictures later this week. I just want to make sure that I am not sick any longer so I don’t get her sick again. So, cute belly pics to come soon.

 

Au Revoir

mé

Thanksgiving

I was so happy last night when Brian invited Ted, my FIL and I to his Thanksgiving dinner. I would really like to go, but we’re not for two reasons. Ted’s dad is inherintly uncomfortable in social situations, even if they only include his own family. I know that he would rather it just be Ted, himself and me. This will be his first Thanksgiving without my MIL and I want to make it as easy for him as I can. I know that this too is Brian’s first ANYTHING without Amanda, but I already made plans with FIL and all. Secondly, and I think more importantly, I highly doubt that Amanda would appreciate me being at her table for the first Thanksgiving at her home. That table was so important to her and having a real Thanksgiving in her home was her dream. She can’t be there in life and I wouldn’t want to marr that dream for her. I would love to go, but I just can’t.

Sabotage Remix by the neighbor girls downstairs…

Britany, Ana and Erica, our sweet little neighbor girls, decided to bombard Ted with snowballs the other day and Brit captured it on tape. Here is the video she made and the actual video at the end. They’re awesome!

… of “putting things behind me”, only to have them come out in nightmares

So I have been dealing with this issue now, and after I talked to C. I had decided a few things. B. can’t feel too guilty or he wouldn’t have done what he did Wednesday morning. I mean, I would (and did) totally understand why our friendship had to end but with these enlightening little facts, it’s hard to believe that he has shoved me aside because it’s what A. would have wanted. Would A. have approved of what happened Wednesday morning? I think not. So, it made me think (and drink (and get angry)) I have made some serious FUCKED up mistakes, yes, I can admit to and take full responsibility for my words and deeds. I was a bitch and I can never make up for that. I know. But he has made some mistakes too, like missing my wedding when I came to get him and because of waiting at his door so long, I WAS LATE TO MY OWN WEDDING. I have never gotten an apology for that. I never thought to expect one until now. He was my friend and I didn’t question his reasons. If he had an excuse, I knew that it wasn’t intentional. I know it wasn’t, but I have still never received an apology. Why is it that I must be continuously punished wrong-doings, and he isn’t even required to apologize for his. Then… epiphany… I realized that I am only his friend when it is convenient for him. I have been cast aside, more than once. I though we had this amazing friendship. I have wasted years and tears mourning our friendship. I have kept him in my heart and in my thoughts. Ted and I frequently reminisce about fun times we’d had with him and the group. I always wanted to have him back in our lives. We used to cook together and it was always amazing. I have cried so many times, regretting (as I still and always will) what I did to he and A. But now, after Wednesday afternoon, when he called me for the last time, I realized that I am only brought around when he needs me and I am cast off when he is done. He called Wednesday to thank me for something that Ted, J. Ca. and I got for him. Now, he knew as of Sunday when he told me that we could no longer talk, that I was devastated. He had to know, I could barely talk without crying. So, knowing that, why did he call me and not J. or Ca.? He had to know that his phone call would just set me off again. But he thanked me and I did appreciate that and he told me what he was going to do with it and all. Then he told me that if years down the line, he needs me, he’ll call me. That proved it to me. When I am needed. You know what? I have now lost him three times. Three times, my heart has been shattered and I don’t know if I can go through it again. I would love to have him in our life. Even after all of this realization, I still can’t hate him. I SO want to. It would make this whole process that much easier. So, Wednesday, after I got so drunk that I passed out. I decided that I would just put B. out of my head. Be angry, I told myself. Be hurt. Just forget him. So, I have been trying. When B. pops into my head, I do something or think of something else. I have been doing this since Wednesday evening. Each night, I have fucked up dreams. He and A. are in them all. I had been forgetting about them almost as soon as I woke. Until this morning that is. When Ted got up, he told me that I was yelling and crying in my sleep. I have not done that in years. I guess if I don’t deal with it while I am awake, I will do so in my sleep. I just don’t know what to do. Do I keep grieving him, since this is not an issue that I can resolve, or do I keep repressing it and fight this battle in my sleep? I am so tired of being sad and angry? I really wish that he hadn’t contacted me in August. I know I got closure and I got to really apologize and that felt really good, but now, I have to deal with all of this all over again. I hate it. Then to be pushed away in the name of loving A. only to find out what he did that was worse than talking to me… I am so confused and hurt. So, there it is… Tell me what to do.

I hate who I am…

I hate who I am… I hate that I have not been a better friend… I have made the most horrible mistakes with several of my friends, some of which I have hurt so badly that I will never, nor should I be, forgiven. I have been so lucky in my life. I have been blessed with MANY of the world’s greatest friends and sadly, I can think of at least one major wrong that I have commited on each and every one of them. I do not deserve my friends. My pen pals are the lucky ones. I consider a few of them, Jenny O, Tanja, and Maria are my best long distance friends. As much as I would like to meet them, I am also glad I can’t. Even with Maria I have made some major mistakes, though not as bad as the people who are physically close to where I live. I have made some major changes in my life. I am more conscience of what I say and do to my friends, but unfortunately, that does not repair any of the friendships that I have devastated and left in my wake, broken and hurt. Now, even though I am a different person, I have to suffer the consequences of the hurts I have caused along the way, I have to learn an eternal lesson by losing friends and wishing I could have another chance that will never come and that I am so undeserving of. So, now is the time I need to make another change. While I am far more aware of what I do and say, I need to let go of, but never forget, my past mistakes. I need to grieve the loss of my friends that I know I will never get to enjoy again. The people who have beautifully adorned my life with their love and friendship only to be hurt by me.

Goodbye Crysta, Brian and Amanda… I miss you all so much!

Strike Three

This is strike three for me. I have lost him for the last time. The first time was for two years and I am not even exactly sure what happened, really. I know that it was because I disapproved of the woman he was dating, who I had known for half of my life. He was my best friend and I just didn’t want him to be hurt. He is too good a guy and I couldn’t stand to see him with this girl who I knew wasn’t good enough for him. 

 

This past time was for 5 years. Again, it was about a woman who I thought would hurt him and his family, but I overstepped my bounds to say the least. I was jealous that he never had time for me, angry that he seemed to not have time for his family, and at the end, I said the most monstrous things that I had ever said to him. I just wanted him to understand the immensity of what I had been feeling. He had told me that I thrived on controversy and I took offense to that. What I should have done was realize how right he was. I didn’t see it and my subconscious didn’t want to admit it. That time, I got to be angry and hurt. I didn’t think of the pain I had inflicted on him and his love. For 5 long years, I missed out on his life, and soon, I began to change. I began to realize how I invited drama into my life. I saw him a couple of times, once at Trinity’s funeral. And He was so cold, understandably. I just wanted to say how sorry I was. To try to undo what I had done. But words are sometimes more powerful than deeds. No amount of talking and tears could possibly take back what I had said to him, what I had tried to do. I was a monster to him. After he got married in June of last year, I saw his wedding pictures on his Myspace and I couldn’t help but tell him that I knew that he and she would be so happy together and to congratulate him. I just wanted him to know that I had changed. That I no longer was the horrible bitch that I once was. On August 18th, he messaged me. He said that it had been a long time and that we needed to talk. I called him and I couldn’t believe that I was getting an opportunity to apologize to him for real. His wife couldn’t know we were talking, after all, she hated me and had every reason in the world to. I told him that I felt guilty that we were talking behind her back, and that I was half tempted to just stop. But I didn’t. He tried to feel out hoe his wife would feel about me by telling him that I was getting them information through his little sister about a serious situation they had. She told him that it was fine if I went through his sister, but if I came back into their life, she would be gone. I had done THAT much damage. I was THAT bad in her heart. I deserved that. Brian and I continued to talk a bit, though noticeably less. A couple of months ago, his wife was diagnosed with cancer, and on Friday, November 7th, she passed away, unexpectedly from complications from the biopsy surgery. I couldn’t believe it. My best friend was a widower at 30 years old, less than 17 months after his wedding day. I was so worried about him, and I still am. I didn’t hear from him Friday or Saturday, and I knew that I wouldn’t go to the viewing or funeral. I know that his wife wouldn’t have wanted it. But he called me Sunday night to tell me himself. I understood completely. There was no need to say it, but I appreciated it. We talked a bit and then he had to go. A little bit later he called again. We talked for a few. He told me what his plans were for the funeral, gave me a link to the website where her memorial video was, told me that he wanted me to at least have that since I couldn’t go. Then, he told me that his wife knows about all of his secrets. That there weren’t many, but now, in death she knows. That he needs to continue to live for her an do what she would have wanted him to do. And included not continuing to talk to me. My heart broke. I wanted to cry and stiffled back tears. After all, what right did I have to cry about this when he had just lost his wife. But, I was devastated. I know exactly what he means by this and I totally understand. I wish it could have been different, I wish I could be there for him in this horrible time of grief, but know know that this is what needs to be done. Part of me wishes that he had never contacted me in the first place, so that I wouldn’t be grieving for our friendship for a third time, but then I remember that I did have 2 and a half months to tell him how sorry I was, to try and prove that I really had changed, to get some sort of closure. I got to get a “good” ending to our friendship this time. We didn’t go out screaming or saying bad things. You see, Up until last night, I hadn’t told him I was glad to have his friendship back, because I wasn’t sure that we were friends again. He hadn’t called me “friend” and I didn’t want to push it. But last night, I told him that he would be in my heart forever, like he always has been and always will be. I told him that I would always consider him one of my very best friends. That is a very true statement. He has been and I will never forget him. He will always be on my mind. May will always remind me of him as will October. Whenever I see the Nightmare before Christmas, I will think of his wife and her awesome love for everything “Nightmare”. I will deal with this. I will continue to send him my strength through the universe. I wish I could be there for him. After he told me that we could no longer talk and I was trying to keep from crying, I finally told him that I didn’t want to sound like a bitch, that I totally understood, but I had to go. I needed to end this. I needed to cry and I refused to do that with him after he had just gone through and will continue to go through the worst experience of his life. He said that he understood, said goodbye, and that was the end. I honestly wish I could have talked to him longer, I wish I could have told him everything that I needed to say to him, but I could tell he was having a hard enough time and honestly, what I want doesn’t matter. At least no right now. 

After I hung up, I lost it. I couldn’t believe that I had lost him for a third time. I had been telling Ted and Jenn that I had to prove myself and not fuck up, because I know, three strikes and you’re out. Here I was, sitting alone in the living room, not only mourning the death of his beloved wife, a woman that I truly wish I could have gotten to know and establish a real friendship with, but also, the friendship of someone that I care about deeply. But that doesn’t compare even minisculely to the grief that he is feeling. And for that, I will try to suck all of this up. I got to say good bye. He didn’t just up and disappear like he could have done easily. He gave me the opportunity to say goodbye, and he gave me closure, and for that I will be eternally grateful. 

Jenn called me when she got home to hear me just a shade short of hysterical. She couldn’t understand me at first, but when I calmed down enough to tell her, she asked me to come over. Jenn has been there through all of my bad times and this was no exception. I went over and we smoked and I cried. She tried to tell me that he’s grieving right now and to give it time. But I know him. Maybe not as well as I used to, but I know him enough to know that when he makes a decision, it’s final. I refuse to get my hopes up for something that will never happen. And as sad as I am about it, I know it has to be this way. I know that this is something that he must do. 

I only wish I could have been able to apologize to his wife. I sent her a Myspace message, but I don’t think she ever read it. She hadn’t been on in months when I sent it. I hope that she knows now, in death, that I truly regret everything I did to her and to them.

Today, in list form 11/09/08

still not doing well, so this is the short version

• woke up
• went to do laundry
• but Ted got sick, so I took him home
• did laundry
• decided on flowers to send for Amanda’s funeral
• came home and moped
• hoped that Brian was okay
• talked to Holly and we decided I would watch Joshua for her so she didn’t have to take him to the funeral home
• let Scott bitch me out some more
• watched some tv
• Crissy called to offer me a babysitting job that I took. It’s for 3 days a week
• Emily came over with Nick for a few before her gig
• Brian called, like I was hoping
• Talked to Ryan
• talked to Jen
• Brian called back and delivered the most devastating news next to him losing his wife
• cried like a baby for a half hour
• Jen called to ask me to come over
• went to Jen’s, smoked and cried and cried and cried. 
• came home 
• going to bed at 2a

 

Hopefully I will be able to write more after tomorrow. I don’t know how I am supposed to handle losing him for a third time, but I know that he’s right and I fully understand. Amanda was his life and she was more than just his wife. I just wish she could have forgiven me before she died. I hope she knows, where ever she is, that I am so sorry for all of the pain I caused. I know it seems to little, too late, but I wish I really could have gotten to know her and finally establish a friendship with her. Rest in Peace Amanda Marie Ogden… You really were, truly, an amazing woman. If you weren’t Brian wouldn’t love you as much as he so obviously does.

too sad for anything else today

A good friend of mine who I have known for a long time, lost his wife suddenly last night after a routine surgery. She was 28 years old and they had been married for less than a year and a half. I can’t think about anything else right now, except how he and their families are doing. In my head, I am going down the line, thinking of the struggles that they have individually had and then wondering how they are holding up in this terrible time. I have no idea how to support them. I have no idea what to say. I know that this is common in this type of case, but I always have some sort of comforting words to say. I can’t find them now. I think it’s because this SHOULD NOT have happened. This was a young woman who had everything to live for, newly married, just bought their own first home, raising a child. None of this makes any sense and up until now, I was a firm believer in “everything happens for a reason”, I am losing faith in whatever is out there and I know my friend, who has had the most trying 10 years of his life, being hit from every possible angle with every possible bad thing that could ever happen to one person, is losing faith too and that rips me up inside. I wish there were something I could do to help ease his pain, but I can not bring his wife back and I know that nothing short of that will do right now. I don’t know anything right now. One of my best friends is a widower at 30. He didn’t get nearly enough time with his wife.

A More Detailed Halloween Post

 

What a night. Ted and I walked to Jen’s. I was in full Eeyore glory. People honked and waved at us. I began to skip. It was so nice and warm. The Eeyore costume was SO hot inside it. Ugh. So, we got to Jen’s, Steve was there. We helped her get ready for the kids. Our plan: to throw bags of candy off the balcony for the kids! Fun. They loved it. I accidentally bounced a kit-kat bar off the back of some little boy’s head. Oops… We gave him extra candy for it though and he was happy and unhurt. Soon, Emily, Nick and the Lillys came by… Then Mandy came over. Ashley even made a short appearance. She had a party to go to with her girlfriend. After the kids were done trick-or-treating, we all decided (well, Emily, Nick, Jenny, Steve and I, Mick showed up there too.) to go to Trixie’s to watch Emily play. We stayed there to watch the entertainment of the night and then off to the bar we went. 4 Johnny Vegas’ and 2 shots of tequila later. I was drunk. I made friends with an old, drunk, gay guy named Johnny and he was dressed as Scooby-doo. He was awesome and he made me his Fag Hag. I loved it. After, we all went to Coney Island and ate and laughed and poked fun at all of the skanky girls who were pretty much dressed the same… You know, nurse with thigh highs and a short skirt, cheerleader with thigh highs and a short skirt, baseball player with thigh highs and a short skirt, vampire with thigh highs and a short skirt. It was hilarious. The only difference was color and pattern. Don’t these girls realize that they all look the same? Whatever. I had fun as did everyone else. It was the best Halloween ever!

 

 

 

Jenny… The Beautiful Green Witch

and later as a devil…

 

Mandy… I have no idea what she was, but she looked awesome

Steve… Was he even dressed up?

Emily… Looking Foxy

Nick as Lucifer

Laura Lilly as Pocahontas

Janet Lilly… Again… I have no idea…

Ashley… She was Ketchup and her girlfriend (not pictured) was Mustard

Mick… Goulish

And Me… As Eeyore

Some Group Shots…

          

Early morning musings…

Tonight, Ted and I are going out on a date. We don’t get to do that very often, so, yeah! I am currently working on a revision of my 101 in 1001 (not books) list. I had completely forgotten about it because of mom’s passing. So, I will begin again in January. Emily will be home late tomorrow night. We (Ted and I) will be going to the apple orchard with her and the Mickster… Yeah!I’m still super sleepy. I think I am going to try to start to write a short story today… Something I can send to Jenny in my next letter to her. We’ll see… 

 

Today’s to do list:

1. Vacuum 
2. Write to Maria
3. Finish 101 list
4. Type up the other lists I’ve finished
5. Start the short story
6. Take a nap (hehe)

Words, while still half asleep…

So I made the world’s best cinnamon rolls last night. Yummy.

 

Homemade cinnamon rolls with pumpkin spice icing.

 

 

 

So, since Jen wasn’t feeling too good, I took her a few. We talked a lot. Mostly about death and the fact that we are both going to have a tough Christmas. I have to contend with the fact that my MIL isn’t here. There are certain things that she does for Christmas and no one else was allowed to. She put up the Christmas Village, there were several ornaments that she put up herself. Who is going to do that this year? Will dad even put up the tree? If so, will HER ornaments go up or stay in the boxes? Will he even attempt to put up the village. If he does, will he get it wrong? I will definitely notice if he doesn’t. Jen is spending this Christmas, for the first time, without her brother. That’s very significant. He’s always been home for Christmas and I really feel for her. We talked about our own mortality and the mortality of the people closest to us. It was just one of those nights. BUT… She is coming to my house for Thanksgiving… This is the first time ever. We (Jenny, Emily Rose and I) will be making a turkey, tofurkey, green bean casserole, green beans and spaetzels, the best (and most fattening) mashed potatoes in the effing world, sweet potatoes, acorn squash, corn, stuffing, warm butter rolls, sauteed wild mushrooms with spinach, cheesy potatoes augratin, garlic bread, egg nog, holiday mimosas, pumpkin pie, apple pie and gooey cinnamon rolls. We will be cooking for HOURS! But I am looking forward to it. Today, I have to clean the house and wash the floors. Let’s see if that happens mmm’okay?

Last Night

So after a day of doing dishes, dishes and more dishes, I went out with Jenny. We went to Chè Cosa. At first, I was bored because I finished reading the graphic novel Jen brought for me to read while she was on the computer, in like 10 minutes. So I played the stupid bar game machine and drank a sugar-free mocha cappuccino. Then I read the damned book again. Finally, we decided to leave and go get Nick, Nicole and Jeremy to go with Justin to go get pizza. Yummy, right? Wrong. We get to the apartment and knock on Nick’s door. No answer. So, we knock on Jeremy and Nicole’s door. Damn, no answer. Jen then gets the idea to go to Your Mother’s. It’s a bar in town that they frequent. So, we hop into her car and drive on over. Jen had a very difficult time trying to parallel park (and there were very few cars around) hehe. We go in and voila, there are Nick and Jeremy. So, we go on over and cop a squat with them. We were there having a blast for a while when Jen realized that were needed to tell Justin that we were bailing on him and his pizza idea. We were just having too much fun with Nick and Jeremy. Jeremy kept my scarf warm all night. I did a shot of José Cuervo minus the training wheels. Jeremy was a little bit shocked. Nicole came up after work and then I talked to Em for a minute. I miss her so badly. After, we went to Nick’s place and ate free pizza. We listened to Simon and Garfunkle and Suzanne Vega and Billie Holiday. Steve came over and I showed him the postmortem pics. He enjoyed it. He and Jen both told me to email Sheryl about it. I hope she doesn’t think I am a freak or something. We all smoked and ate pizza and then, at about 2 am, we left. I was in bed, asleep by 2:30 am. Good times were had by all. Yeah!

Fun Fun Fun

I had so much fun last night with Wendi and her friends. I met Rick, a 29 year old guy with spina bifida. He was awesome. Then there was Barbi, (Yes, that was her real name) who was unlike anyone I had ever met. She was SO real! Next is Laura Lee. She’s a 23 year old from Texas who was so fun and cute. She has a three month old daughter named Marley Ranne. She was so cute. We are talking about doing a “Playdate” for the babies when I get Jess’ baby. I can’t wait to spend more time with Wendi and everyone again.

I drank too much tea at the coffee house last night. It was the best tea ever, so I bought a canister of it. Tea cleans you out if you drink too much. We were there for over 4 hours. It was awesome. I love that coffee house too. It’s so nice and not TOO packed with little emo kids.

I want to do it again.

11 months

It’s been 11 months. How time flies. 11 months without that laugh, that smile, that hug, those eyes. 11 months since I lost all hope for your complete recovery. 11 months ago, all hope was lost. But then again, as of 11 months ago, I no longer have to worry about you. I no longer cry at the thought of losing you. Just of having lost you. The former is much worse. Less worrying. Nothing bad can happen to you any more. You’re still a constant thought in my head and a never ending pang in my heart. I know you always will be. It was your mom’s 1^st birthday without you. I know that must have been horrible for her. She’s still not ready to let you go. None of us are. But I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it must be for her, your mother. Only 1 month until your anniversary. I still don’t know how to properly honor your memory, to honor your life. I know there will be balloons and yellow flowers of some sort. Oh, and McArthur Park of course. We loved feeding all the crazy ducks and geese. I still do it for you. I still wish you were there to do it yourself. Someday we’ll honor you with a tree in your name. Someday. I really hope you are looking down and seeing all of the people who love you and miss you. You’ll always be…

Dear S,

Dear S,

I have no idea why, after all these years, I still care enough about what you think about me to even be writing this letter to you. Apparently though, your opinion of me still irritates and hurts me and after all this time, because I am so sick of the pain and sadness you cause me, I have to set you straight.  I need this all to end. From this point on, I will not allow myself to care what you think about me. You have no idea who I am or what kind of woman I have become. You talk about “class” like you are the Grand Duchess of classiness, when in all actuality; I have more “class” than your whole family combined.

            S, from day one, you have thought me without class for three reasons that I can pick up on: (and from what H says) Because I am fat, because I am poor, and because I am a “bad influence” on your precious daughters. Let me address these issues.

            Yes, I am fat. I have always been fat and I will always be fat. I have a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). One of it’s main symptoms is SEVERE OBESITY. Look it up and educate yourself. Thank you for making my already low self-esteem that much lower and helping me to continue to hate myself as you ridiculed how I looked, and in effect, forcing me to never be satisfied with who I was. I never felt as bad about myself than after I met you. I have finally realized that being fat does not make me a bad person or a lower class citizen like you ALWAYS made me feel.

            Yes, I am poor. So fucking what. I am happy, my bills are paid (for the most part), I have the basic necessities of life: clothing, food and shelter. Having the newest fashions or the best car or the biggest house doesn’t matter to me. Those things do not make me who I am. If you believe that those things make a person, or defines who they are, then you’re not much of a person yourself. I make me who I am. My actions and deeds and the fact that I am a good, honest, relatively wholesome and intelligent woman makes me who I am. I am finally learning to be proud of me and the small accomplishments I have made in my life. I am proud that I have kids who look up to me and tell me they want to be like me regardless of my weight or the fact that I am and probably always will be dirt poor. I am a responsible and respectful person who many people count on for love, advice and my seemingly never endless supply of time. I try to be there for everyone. I never go back on my word and I ALWAYS apologize (in person whenever possible) for my wrongs. Money, or the lack thereof, does not matter to me.

            As for my being a “bad influence” on your daughters, what a joke. Yes, I was a total brat when I was younger, and I didn’t always make the greatest of choices, but I was never the leader of the pack.

J has been a perpetual liar and thief since we were in junior high. She’s a slut who has her legs open for just about any pretty face who comes her way. She, until this last job, has been unable to hold meaningful employment that doesn’t land her in court. She doesn’t pay for her own car, car repairs or even her own drivers license renewal. You do it for her and she’s 26! For God’s sake, when will she ever grow up? 

H is the person who got me into the most trouble as I was growing up. It is with her that I first lied to get out of my house, snuck out, made prank phone calls, skipped school an did my general sneaking around. I was a good student until I met her. When I moved away, my grades shot back up. She would blame me for the astonishing amount of money she would spend, always telling you that I would pay her back for concerts and trips that were her way of buying my friendship back after she did something to make me mad. I don’t know where she got the idea that she needed to buy ones friendship. And I would have never taken concert tickets or trips if I had known that they were supposed to be paid back. My parents taught me not to take anything on loan that I didn’t know full well that I could pay back. I would never have been able to do so. Also, if she had told me that these things were loans, then why did she continue to buy me things and take me on trips when she hadn’t received a dime from me? H had sex with her best friend’s husband., lost her car, home and almost her husband. (I can’t believe how stupid he is to stay with her after all the times she has cheated on him, lied to him and stolen his money that was meant to pay bills.) She is a adulteress and a liar. She is manipulative and shallow. And to top it all off, she stalks ex-American Idol contestants. Like J, she can’t seem to hold down a real job and she gets arrested for domestic violence. I have to say that I really enjoyed learning that little tidbit of information. She also had the chance to have her college paid for and she never even finished. What I would give for that opportunity. She can’t even seem to live without J. She has to follow her everywhere in life. She couldn’t even take a math class without J. And she dropped out as soon as J did.

I have been happily married for six and a half years, I have helped raise my nieces and nephew, I am an “Aunt” to several children who I am not even related to because their parents trust and love me enough to be a big part of their kids lives. I may not be able to go on a fancy vacation or buy loads of big presents, but dinner and movie night at my house is just as enjoyable for myself and my friends.

Don’t you dare begin to blame me, even in part for what J did. I had no part in it and even managed to lose her friendship for a short time because I wouldn’t quit harping on her for what it was I saw. Sadly, in trying to help her, I even had part in the trouble she is in today while trying to help her. I am always there for my friends, even if they don’t like what I have to say. Your children, however, go back on their word, lie, cheat and even steal in order to get what they want. Remember that the next time you think that someone has no class.

Like I said, I am no longer concerning myself with what you think. I can not burden myself with your ignorant opinions. I know I am a good person, I know I have worth on many levels. Can being beautiful, rich and skinny sustain you for the rest of your life? If not, what will you have to fall back on?

   

With Deepest Sympathy

For Your Shallow Life,

Aimée

Trinity

It has been 9 months today. I talked to her mom the other day and she was glad that I want to talk about her still. Apparently, no one wlse does. They want her to “Go back to normal” when her life is anything but. I don’t blame her for being angry. I would be too. I miss her so much.

I heard from someone I have not talked to in ages today. I couldn’t believe when I read the message. Our last “meeting” wasn’t good, but we were both kids. We have both changed and yet we have both stayed the same. It was nice. We talked for almost 2 and a half hours. I let her go so I could go to sleep… now I can’t. Myspace is amazing.

I am so tired.

Greatly Irritated…

So, this post will be in this blog only, because other blogs are frequented by the person this post is about.

The evening started beautifully. I picked Jen up and we came here to smoke, then we went to her house so she could get ready, and then we went to The Rock Room to see Rick play. First, I see Scott there and he is blitzed and hugging on me and making me all uncomfortable; so Rick pretended that I was with the band and that I needed to help set up. Scott quickly left. The beginning of the night, thereafter was good. Jen and I were just chilling and drinking; But then She met up with a couple of friends and that was the end of my time with her. She realized what she had done at the end of the night and asked if I was mad. I told her no, that I was just hurt. She went with them to a party. I am okay with that I guess. But our first “girl’s night” in FOREVER (over a year) went to shit. Rick invited me to a party. I tried to explain to him that I can’t because of the Social Anxiety Disorder, but he didn’t understand. I think I hurt his feelings.