My day in list form 4/16/12

Woke up really late
Did 2 DQ’s
Did a shit ton of home work
Did dishes
Made dinner
Hung with al
Then Matthew
Watched some tv
Tried to sleep with no luck

Happiness is…

Happiness is doing the dishes whilst listening to my headphones, blasting Florence + the Machine (even though I hate doing the dishes). Happiness is hanging out with a friend at night, talking and laughing and getting to know one another better. Happiness is knowing that even though we are poor, we have everything we need including the love of our significant other and friends and family that we hold so dear to us. Happiness is a warm puppy by my side as I read in bed and a My Little Pony coloring book when I am bored. Happiness is Tumblr and Pinterest to get ideas for some awesome new craft ideas. Happiness is knowing that there are people there for us that do not want anything back from us but our love and support. Happiness is also being able to give our love and support to people who don’t want anything back from us but the same. Happiness is knowing that the kids get to stay where they are regardless of what their lawyers do to have them removed. Happiness is a t-shirt that shows the names of our family as a Christmas present. Happiness is my life, even at its low times.

Part one

Was successful. Aimee and Andrea will get the kids. I’m sure of it.

Posted from WordPress for Android

Wishing

That you two weren’t worthless assholes.

Posted from WordPress for Android

Day 04 – Your views on religion. 01/01/2010

1. Religion is a man made thing. Spirituality is not.

2. Most people have a religion and that is wonderful. I love faith. I think that people who have faith in something, anything, are more hopeful for the world.

3. If you have a religion, practice it or don’t say you’re part of that religion.

4. Don’t EVER push your religion on ANYONE else. If you’re asked to share, then share.

5. Don’t belittle anyone for choosing their religion, however, stand up for yourself if someone who is practicing their religion is infringing on your rights or the rights of those you love.

6. There agree in a separation of church and state and I don’t believe that this decree is not enforced enough in our government.

I am an eclectic pagan. I believe in nature and the universe and mother earth. I believe in Karma and reincarnation. I believe that if we are good to others and good to ourselves that we are doing right. I believe in the threefold law. I believe, whole heartedly in the Wiccan Rede: Bide the Wiccan Laws we must, In Perfect Love and Perfect Trust. Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill: “and ye harm none, do what ye will.” LEST IN THY SELF-DEFENSE IT BE, Ever mind the rule of three. Follow this with mind and heart, and merry ye meet and merry ye part. I believe in religious tolerance.

Day 03 – Your views on drugs and alcohol. 12/31/2010

I can honestly say that drugs scare me. I hate the idea of not having control over what I think, see, do… I think that too many people resort to drug use for reasons other than recreation (not that I think that’s a good idea either) and I have watched drugs ruin the lives of some of the people I love the most. Drugs have been the cause of death for one of my best friends and I know that is part of the reason I have issues with them.

Alcohol doesn’t scare me, per se, but I have had my own serious issues with drinking. I am the result of several generations of alcoholics and I think that drinking is okay so long as you don’t ruin your life because of it, ruin other people’s lives and you know how to control it. I don’t think drugs or alcohol should be a substitute for therapy or a bandaid to cover wounds in your soul.

Day 02 – Where you’d like to be in 10 years. 12/30/2010

I don’t know where I want to be at any given moment. In the past, when I have made the “5 year plan”, I have ended up either disappointed in myself or thinking about what a damned fool I was. All I truly care about is that I am happy, healthy and loved.

Day 01 – Your current relationship. 12/29/2010

Ted… My husband. My BEST friend. My confidant. We’ve been together since August of 1996, married since December of 2000. He’s amazingly supportive and loves me despite all of my issues. He knows all of my dirty little secrets and instead of calling them flaws, he calls them charateristics. I love that about him.

Rewritten Aesop’s Fables… By Me

The Fox and The Crow

Walking through an unfamiliar town, Gerald Fox sees the beautiful and alluring Pheobe Crowe window shopping by herself, moving gracefully from shop window to shop window. Her hand, delicately curled beneath her chin, held and exquisite and obviously expensive sapphire ring.

“I just have to have that ring for my collection.” thought Gerald as he moved casually toward the girl. Gerald had always had a way with women, so he approached the graceful Miss Crowe and crooned, “What a beautiful day it is. The perfect day for such a perfect specimen of beauty.”

Phoebe blushed and brought her ringed hand up to her face, hiding behind it coquettishly. “A woman as graceful as you, with such shiny, obsidian hair and bewitching onyx eyes, surely must waltz like a princess. Dance with me now, so my life can be fulfilled.”

Phoebe didn’t have to think twice about dancing with this handsome, fire haired stranger. She moved within his arms, putting her hand into his and they danced, without any music nor with she feeling any embarrassment, in the middle of the square. She was so taken by his compliments that she didn’t even notice when he cunningly slipped the sapphire from her dainty finger. When the dance ended, he plied her with compliments about her dancing ability and the smallness of her young body within his muscular frame. He talked to her as if she were his queen and he, her loyal servant. He asked Phoebe if he could call on her later. She quickly agreed and gave him directions to her home and they parted. She was so smitten, that she didn’t even notice the lightness of her now barren hand.

Gerald bought an expensive notecard from one of the shops that Miss Crowe had been gazing in, wrote a message and hired a young man to deliver the note to the lovely Miss Crow at the time they agreed to meet. Then, as quickly and quietly as he appeared, he left town.

At the appointed time, there was a knock at the door and Miss Crowe answered the door herself. When she opened it, she was distressed to find, instead of her handsome caller was one of the local towns boys who had been vying for her attention. He handed her an envelope and said, “Good day, miss.” before turing and heading back to town. She opened the envelope and took out a note that read, “Miss Crowe, in exchange for such an enchanting gift, I dispense to you a piece of very important advice that I’d advise to you remember all your life. Do not trust flatterers. They usually have ulterior motives.” It is at this moment that she notices how light her hand has become and she dropped to the floor and wept.

The Dog and The Wolf (I think this one was my favorite)

John Cocker was leaving the feed store when he heard a ruckus coming from behind the bakery. When he went to see what all the commotion was about, he came face to face with his cousin, Peter Wilde. The sight of this sickeningly thin, dirty and ungodly smelly boy was disturbing, but not shocking. Though he hadn’t seen Peter in years, he wasn’t surprised to see Peter elbow deep and rooting around in the bakery’s trash looking for a morsel of food.

Well, Peter. You look… thin.” John said eyeing his filthy cousin. “I can’t say I’m shocked, though. We have always told you that the life of a carefree drifter would be the death of you. Why can’t you get a real job like the rest of us?”

Pete pulled his arms from the garbage with embarrassment, wiped his hands on his already repugnant trousers and looked sadly at John.

“I would, except I can’t find anyone who will hire an emaciated, dirty boy with no one to vouch for me.”

“Well, you’re in luck, cousin,” John exclaims. “because my master is looking for another stable hand. I can vouch for you and you can work there and room with me. You’ll be fed regularly, you’ll be able to wash regularly,” he continued sniffing with disgust “and you will have a safe place to sleep each night.”

The two boys start off toward the farm, talking about duties when Peter notices the scars on Johns arm and the odd bracelet attached to his cousin’s wrist.

“What’s with the scars, cousin? And why are you wearing such an odd bracelet?”

John replied nonchalantly and without hesitation, “Oh, that’s nothing. The scars are from a whipping I received when I first came to the farm for leaving without the master’s permission. And the bracelet is my slave ID so the towns people know what I am when I come to town.”

“Oh,” Peter said, his steps slowing until he’s soon at a stop. “You know what? I think I’ll say goodbye now. Give the family my love.”

John, in total confusion and anger, shouts at Peter, “What’s wrong with you? I thought you were ready to be a man? I thought you wanted to have a full belly and a warm place to sleep?”

Peter looks at John and shakes his head. “Don’t you see, cousin? I would rather scrounge for my next meal, sleep in the cold and smell like a heap of manure and remain free that be full and clean and be owned by another. With that, Peter turned and walked back to the bakery and it’s warm garbage.

The Crane and The Fox

Mr. Downey and Miss Fox were friends. One day, Miss Fox invited Mr. Downey to her home for supper. Mr. Downey accepted her invitation happily and they agreed to meet that evening at sunset.

Mr. Downey arrived looking stunning in all white. He, a dressmaker and tailor, made his entire outfit in anticipation of an evening such as this. He wore a white, silk shirt, a white suit coat, freshly pressed white pants and the most beautiful white top hat Miss fox had ever seen.

Miss Fox took Mr. Downey to the table, offered him a seat and went into the kitchen to bring out their first course; a thick, rich, tomato bisque. Mr. Downey sat, noticing immediately that the chair had a terrible wobble that made it impossible to eat the soup without making a horrid mess, ruining his silk shirt. Miss Fox, a short, plump, miserable redhead, stifled her giggles, knowing that his uncomfortable chair was due to her cutting an inch off of two of the legs.

The next course was a thick slab of beef drowned in a creamy brown sauce. Mr. Downey’s mouth watered as he began to cut into the meat. Just then, the plate split in two where Miss Fox sabotaged it, sending a river of sauce spilling into his lap, destroying his neatly pressed pants. Embarrassed, but not wanting to ruin the evening, Mr. Downy graciously accepter the glass of wine that Miss Fox offered him as they strolled into the sitting room. Miss Fox sat down, leaving Mr. Downey the only other place to sit; A high backed, comfortable chair by the fireplace. Feeling drained and tired from the evening’s happenings, he happily sits and as he leans back, the back of the chair, which Miss Fox had removed the screws from, falls out from behind him sending him to the floor, and his beautiful hat into the fire and the wine spilling and staining his suit coat.

Angry and embarrassed further, Mr. Downy got up, brushed himself off the best he could with the dignity and grace that only Mr. Downy could pull off and thanked Miss Fox for her hospitality. He left the house knowing he’d been had. A few days later, Mr. Downey ran into Miss Fox in town. He told her that he wanted to thank her for the wonderful evening they had by inviting her to come to his shop and pick out one of his dresses. Miss Fox, exited to be gifted a dress by the town’s best dress maker couldn’t resist accepting the offer.

Later, Miss Fox showed up at Mr. Downey’s shop. Mr. Downey handed her a dress to try on. She went into the changing room, and attempted to put the dress on, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t button the buttons over her robust belly. She returned the dress to Mr. Downey and he gave her another. This one buttoned, but made her look like an elephant in a delicate blue gauze tut.. She removed this dress, returned it to Mr. Downey and he gave her a third, which she couldn’t even pull over her flabby breasts. Getting frustrated, she tried on a fourth, fifth, sixth; none of which fit her rotund frame and each making her look shorter, fatter and uglier than the last. All the while, Mr. Downey sat back smiling while listening to her grunt, groan and mutter to herself from behind the changing room door. He was thoroughly enjoying her increasing frustration and discomfort.

At once, in the middle of trying on the twelfth dress, bound and determined to find even one that fit, she realized that like she did to Mr. Downey, she’d been had. She removed her dress, retrieved her own, thanked Mr. Downey for his thoughtfulness and began her trek back home. As she walked she thought to herself, “I guess what goes around really does come around.”

What is one time in your life that you would re-live over again and why?

Well that answered could mean one of two things: If I could re-live it and changer it, I would re-live my wedding day and change a lot of things, but have the same end result. If I could re-live it just to experience it again, I would re-live… God, I don’t know… There are so many… But I think I’ll go with spending time with my grandmother who died when I was 8. Those memories are sadly beginning to fade from my memory.

Ask me anything. If there's no responce, that's your answer.

Love Haiku

Heaven in a glance

Forever in one moment

My heart is all yours

If not for today

I would be breaking inside

You make me happy

Never have I felt

So absolutely in love

Walk with me for life

…of drinking and disease…

So I have to wonder if I am alone in this. I DO NOT believe that alcoholism is a disease. I mean, cancer and diabetes and parkinson’s can’t be cured just by NOT doing something. However, alcoholism, though difficult, can be cured by NOT DRINKING. A lot of people tend to disagree with me, but let’s look at the facts. A cancer patient can not choose to not have cancer, A diabetic, though it can frequently be prevented, can not just one day say, “Okay, today I choose not to have an issue with my blood glucose levels” An alcoholic chooses to pick up a bottle (or can) and drink. Every single time they drink, a process has happened. They went out, bought the alcohol, opened it, raised it to their lips and consumed. In there somewhere, anywhere, was a place where they could have said, “Enough! I will NOT drink this.” Unfortunately, that does not happen very often. So please forgive me for saying that one has relapsed when they have fallen off the wagon once again. I save that term for cancer patients.

Alcoholism is a choice, not a disease!

Movies I want to watch. (From post it’s that need to be tossed because they’re so old)

• Boys Don’t Cry
• Imagine Me and You
• Fingersmith
• High Art
• The Incredibly True Adventures of 2 Girls In Love
• Julie Johnson
• Kissing Jessica Stein
• Lost and Delerious
• A Girl Thing
• Itty Bitty Titty Committee
• Things You Can Tell Just by Looking at Her
• Sister my Sister
• Entre Nous
• The Midwife’s Tale
• Intentions
• Goldfish Memory
• But I’m A Cheerleader
• Cyrara: Poetry in Motion
• Out of Season
• Producing Adults
• Portrait of a Marriage
• Aimee & Jaguar
• The Children’s Hour
• Boys on the Side
• Loving Annabelle
• Waiting for the Moon
• Better Than Chocolate
• Watching You: Intriguing Lesbian Short Films
• My Summer of Love
• Show Me Love
• Saving Face
• Tipping The Velvet
• When Night is Falling
• Rome & Juliet
• Can’t Think Straight
• World Unseen
• April’s Shower
• Intimate Friendship
• The Secrets
• Eulogy
• Everything Relative
• Fun in Girls’ Shorts
• Puccini for Beginners
• She Likes Girls
• The Truth About Jane
• All Over Me
• Big Dreams in Little Hope
• D.E.B.S.
• Love & Suicide
• Love My Life
• Slaves to the Underground
• Mango Kiss
• Twice Upon a Yesterday
• The Baby Formula
• The Fine Art of Love
• Girl’s View
• And Then Came Lola
• Elena Undone
• The Owls
• Highly Strung
• Love Sick
• XXX
• Bloomington
• Breathe In Breathe Out
• Drool
• Room in Rome
• The Best is Yet to Come

my day, in list form 09/09/10

• Woke up at 7ish in a Roserem haze
• Went back to bed about 10 minutes later
• Woke up at 10am
• Got a call from the girls asking if they could come over and pick up the carpet cleaner
• The girls came over
• Started painting my nails
• Started watching a movie that I couldn’t finish because
• Jen came over at 2:00
• Jacki came over at 3:30 with great news
• Ted came home at 4:00
• Jen left at 4:15
• Brian came over at 5:00 with amazing news x3
• Brian left at 5:45
• I talked to Deece for an annoying amount of time (anything more than 2 minutes)
• Ted and I ordered dinner from Paco’s
• I took a nap from 7:00 – 8:15
• Played on the computer
• Talked to Lyss for about a half hour on the computer
• Going to bed before midnight I hope.

Lonliness is only a state of mind…

Right.

These are some of my least favorite things

I have been avoiding thinking about the girls moving, but yesterday and today it has slapped me in the face. Yesterday, I went to see their place for the first time. I cleaned their fridge and dusted their bathroom cabinets. I couldn’t stay long because 1) it was way too damn hot in there and it was a super muggy day and 2) I just couldn’t handle seeing the evidence of them actually moving out. Up until yesterday, they would be gone half the day cleaning their apartment or shopping for supplies. Now, it has started in this house. The girls came home this afternoon with boxes and have started packing and moving their stuff. I wanted to go right behind them and unpack everything that they had just packed. I hate the idea that after over a year, Bee is leaving me.

I am SO depressed.

She doesn’t realize that when she  leaves, I will be a wreck. She and Aimee keep telling me that they have told Aimee’s gran that Thursdays, I will be going over to her house to hang out with her. I hate that they already said something to her, because they know that I won’t bail on her. They know that that will force me to get out of the house and be social. I don’t want to be social. I want to wallow in my depression for a while.

Ugh.

My day, in list form 08/09/2010

• Woke up at 12:30pm
• played on the computer
• talked to the girls
• hung out with Ted
• cleaned the bathroom (mostly)
• went out for slurpees
• got to see the girls’ new place
• went shopping
• made dinner
• talked to laura
• took a shower
• watched tv
• going to bed soon I hope

Today, in list form 08/06/2010

• Woke up at 11:00am in complete and total pain
• Talked to Bee while she played on the computer
• Played on the computer while talking to Bee
• Waited for Ted to get up
• Hung out with Ted
• Talked to my granny! Yay!
• Picked Jen up
• Went to Joe’s Crab Shack for Ted’s birthday dinner
• Went to see The Karate Kid at the theater
• Dropped Jen off
• Realized that my pain was a lot less severe than it was this morning
• Came home
• Played on the computer
• Talked to Laura
• Made dinner for the girls
• Hung out with Ted and the girls
• Watched Whale Wars
• Gave Ted his birthday present
• Getting ready to go to bed

Today was a wonderful day!!!

My day in list form 08/05/2010

• Woke at 9:30am
• woke Aimee up for her Dr.’s apt.
• Went to said appointment and got the run around
• Went to Costco to get her meds
• Got pissed off because her doc is a fucktard
• Came home
• called the dr.’s office
• called the pharmacy
• called the dr.’s office
• called the pharmacy
• called the dr.’s office
• called the dr.’s office
• called the pharmacy
• Started making calls to people I know who might be able to help
• laid down to take a nap
• just as I was about to fall asleep got interrupted by Girl 2 taking off
• Talked to Bee
• Girl 2 comes home and Girl 1 takes off
• Girl 2 takes off
• Having them both leave like that freaked me out
• called Bee to no answer
• called Aimee to see if they were okay
• called Bee just to have her tell me that she “accidentally” answered the phone. (Gee, Thanks)
• Talked to Laura
• worried
• talked to Laura
• worried
• talked to Laura
• worried
• cops parked in front of the house making me think one of them was dead (They left without getting out)
• texted Bee at 10:45 pm to see if she was okay (got no answer)
• texted her again at 11 telling her to text me because I was worried (She answered me)
• found out that both girls had been at their apartment that they haven’t moved into yet talking but were too busy to inform the party that worries about them that they were okay (Gee, thanks again for that)
• Got royally pissed off
• talked to Ted at midnight
• watched a scary movie and locked myself in my room to avoid them when they got home (at 2am)
• talked to Ted at 3am
• going to bed soon!

My day in list form 08/04/2010

• Woke up at 11:45am
• played on the computer
• talked to Ted
• made numerous calls to the dr. for Aimee
• went to buy a weeks worth of cigarettes
• ordered dinner
• took Aimee to Costco for her meds
• ate dinner
• hung with Chad, Bee and Ted
• talked to Laura
• watched some TV
• showered
• talked to Bee for a while
• took my pills
• going to bed VERY soon

…Of Sickness…

She said that she signed up for this, being with Aimee, even though she knew Aimee was sick. What she didn’t know was how sick Aimee really was. I know she would have still been with Aimee even if she did know how sick Aimee really was. It’s so frustrating to watch the person you love suffer, and that’s what Andrea does. She watches the woman she loves so much suffer in terrible pain. There’s nothing she can do but sit with Aimee, try to keep her calm, hold her hands, look into her eyes, breathe with Aimee to keep her heart rate down and keep her from hyperventilating. She whispers to Aimee words that I can never hear, but I know that Aimee is comforted by the way her heart rate begins to drop and the way her breathing becomes more normal. All Andrea can do is kiss Aimee and tell her that she’ll get through this just like she has every other time. She’s stopped telling Aimee that they’ll figure out what’s causing her pain and fix it, because we know what’s causing it and now, we know that there’s no fix.

It seems like every time there’s good news pertaining to Aimee’s health, we take a step back somewhere else in it as well. We found out about her B-12 deficiency and began treatment for it. Her paralyzed right  side began to regain feeling and, she began to walk more normally. Then her heart rate begins to elevate and now she’s in a constant state of tachycardia. She was hospitalized for five days. While there, her internist, Dr. Parker, told us that the pain in her head that she’s been suffering from for over a year now will never go away. Ever. He said that her Pseudotumor Cerebri will be a constant problem and that she should not expect to have a pain free day for the rest of her life. If she does happen to have a day free of pain that she should take advantage of it to the fullest extent and not expect it to happen again. Dr. Parker told us what none of Aimee’s doctors were able or even willing to tell us. The truth. Yes, it’s not what we wanted to hear. It was devastating to Aimee. She seemed numb for a while and then, light someone flipped a switch, I saw her face change and I knew it had hit her. This pain, this constant reminder of how her life was never going to go back to the way it was, was never  going to end. I watched Aimee as she broke down and sobbed.

Dr. Parker warned Aimee that she was going to have a hard time getting help for her pain in the ER’s and boy was he right. He said that a lot of people, doctors included, don’t believe the kind of pain that people with Pseudotumor Cerebri have. That she would encounter more and more resistance to her getting the drugs she needs to reduce the immense pain she’s in.Before, when she would go to the ER when her meds weren’t cutting the pain, they’d give her drugs to help her. Sometimes they would come after a million questions and questioning her sanity, but she would eventually get them and she’d be fine for a few days. Now, they act like she’s crazy and try to send her away with nothing. Today, we took Aimee in. She’d been fighting this pain for days and finally couldn’t take any more. The first thing her doctor did was suggest a lumbar puncture. I understand why they have to do that, after all a Pseudotumor Cerebri is all about the excess fluid in the brain and the pressure that it causes, but after they did the LP and found that her pressure wasn’t that high, they should have just done the drug treatment that has always helped her. Now, along with the debilitating head pain, she’s got the pain from an LP and all they would give her was a small dose of a shit drug that did nothing for any of her pain and they sent her home.

Aimee needs to get into some kind of pain management program, but all of her doctors are either out on maternity leave, out of the office, have shit staff or don’t have an open appointment for two weeks. Her trips to the ER, which helped before because of the drug regimen they knew worked, are now proving fruitless. The doctors feel that she is a drug seeker and because of their ignorance, they won’t give her the narcotics that she so desperately needs. They see her scars and know of her past mental health history and that completely blinds them to the obvious physical, organic issues at hand. We know she’s not a drug seeker. We have had to force her to the ER so she can get some kind of relief. I have heard her first hand (before we knew that her pain was permanent)  tell her neurologist that she didn’t just want to be prescribed a shit ton of narcotics to bandage the problem, but for the problem to be found and fixed so she wouldn’t need the narcotics to live. What kind of drug seeker says that? Aimee hates that she’s on so many medications. She hates that she can’t live the normal active life she had only a year ago. But the fact is that Aimee needs these drugs now. The pain has gotten so bad that there are days that she can’t get out of bed, she can’t eat, she can’t sleep and all she can do is cry.

To see Aimee in that kind of pain is devastating. To hear her uncontrollable sobs when the doctors tell her that yet again, she will be sent home without an ounce of their help, in excruciating pain, when we know exactly what will help her is beyond depressing. She has a serious issue that no one seems to want to do anything about. I’m afraid that in the end, Aimee will have to resort to self medicating. And nothing good can come out of that.

Aimee is a beautiful, brilliant, vibrant 26 year old woman who has been given the worst news; That she will be in pain for the rest of her life. That her dreams of being a fire fighter will go unfulfilled. That her EMT training has been in vain. That her hopes of having a normal life like she used to have are for nothing. She has been given a diagnosis of having a life filled with pain and no one will do anything to help her manage it. It’s a huge and vicious cycle that really isn’t necessary. Someone has the knowledge and ability to help her. I know it.

Andrea is so frustrated, as we all are, but she is the one who will be by Aimee’s side for the rest of their lives. Andrea is the one who will rush Aimee to the hospital when the pain is too much for her to handle. Andrea is Aimee’s life partner and love. Andrea is so worried that she’s going to lose Aimee to this. Whether it’s to the illness itself or to the mental toll it takes on Aimee, we don’t know. But I think we all are having the same fears. I can only hope that someone steps up and does right by Aimee.

My day in list forn 08/03/2010

• Woke up at 12:30 pm with my man snoring by my side. I missed him so much last night.
• Blogged a bit.
• Read for a while.
• Hung out with Ted.
• Did the dishes.
• Tried to watch a movie to no avail.
• Talked to Nickie. God I can’t wait for her to come home.
• Talked to Laura.
• Did the dishes again.
• Got depressed when Aimee came in long enough to tell me that they were going to sign the lease tonight instead of tomorrow. I know, It’s only one day early, but I am still not sure I’m ready for them to move.
• Talked to Laura again.
• Went with the girls to the ER where Aimee got a lumbar puncture. Ouch.
• Came home and finished my book.
• Ate.
• And now I’m waiting for Ted’s 3 am call since I missed his 12 am call while I was at the hospital.

Questions at 2:26 pm

What would you say is the most profound advice you’ve ever been given (and did you heed it)

I was told that dropping out of high school would ruin my life. I never, not for one moment, believe that something a silly as dropping out when it was SO easy to go and get your GED, would affect the rest of my life. Boy was I wrong!

Who, for you, is an idol? Why are they your idol?

I try not to have idols. I have people that I look up to, but I don’t believe someone should idolize someone else. I used to put people on pedestals, but in time I found that when I did that, when they became regular people for me it was in the most devastating ways. The further up you have them, the farther don they fall when they do. And it always hurts you more in the long run.

When, during the day, are you in your best mood, and why?

It depends on the time of year. In the Spring, it’s early in the morning. In the Autumn it’s mid to late afternoon and early evening. In the Summer and Winter it’s late at night.

When you wake, what do you normally think of first?

Going pee!

If you could choose doing the washing up or drying up, which one would it be? ( I have a dishwasher is not acceptable)

Washing, but I hate dishes in general.

How often do you pretend you can’t hear your phone ringing because you don’t want to answer it?

A little too often. Especially when I am depressed.

What are your favourite recipes that never go wrong?

Shepherd’s Pie
Turkey Noodle Soup
Stuffed Shells
Chicken and Rice

What did you do on your 11th birthday?

I have no clue, that was almost 21 years ago.

______ is sexy But._____ is sexier.

Johnny Depp is sexy but Katherine Moennig is sexier.

Where would you like to live if you had to leave Michigan and why?

Someplace on the east coast. Maine, Massachusetts, Maryland. New Englandish I think.

What would be your dream job?

A concert photographer, photographer in general, own a coffee shop, own a used book store, doing something I love from home, something artsy for sure.

Do you keep in contact with anyone from your school days? Tell us something about your oldest and closest friends.

I have a few friends left from my school days. Cris, Jess, Rick, Cori. I don’t talk to any of them nearly enough. I have gotten back in contack with a friend I have not heard from or talked to in 20 years, Nicki. We have been talking a lot lately and she’s moving back to MI in 3 days! I can’t wait to see her again.

Do you feel that you have depths (of feelings, ideas, attitudes) that have not yet been shared by another person?

I used to feel that way until recently. I have met someone who is becoming one of my best friends. We share similar beliefs and ideals in some of the things I thought I was completely alone in. Finding that in another person is the most wonderful feeling ever.

What is the biggest mistake you have ever made, in the sense that it affected your life adversely?

Dropping out of high school. Definitely. That one act defined who I was in so many ways. In finding a job, in how people looked at me, in the advice I could give to young people, in going back to school, in my belief in myself, in what others thought about me.

Name 5 things that give you pleasure?

Ted
Being able to write
Time alone (but not being lonely)
A great movie
Talking to a good friend

Do you prefer living in Michigan to living in Virginia & why?

Virginia by FAR! I loved the ocean most of all. The scenery is so much better than Michigan’s. Autumn and it’s colors last a hell of a lot longer. The roads are better. Winters are milder.

Where do you want to be in 5 years from now?

I choose not to think about it. Everyone talks about the 5 year plan and how it’s not a goal until you think it out, plan it and put it into writing. I think that’s absolute bullshit. I see the reasoning behind it, really, I do. But for me, when I don’t reach that goal, or when I look back and see where I thought I’d be in 5 years and haven’t achieved it, or had gone in a different direction, I feel like an absolute failure. Where will I be in 5 years? Who knows, but I hope I’m happy.

Do you regret anything so far? What is your biggest regret?

I used to say that I had no regrets. That one should not regret anything for everything one experiences makes one the person they are. I like who I am. BUT… I have discovered that I do have a few regrets.

I regret walking away from Trinity when she was using drugs. Even though I didn’t want to watch her kill herself and I had done everything in my power to help her, she still needed a friend and I regret saving myself heartbreak and trying to teach her a lesson that in the end, I believe helped her make the decision to kill herself.
I regret dropping out of school. Despite the fact that it’s harder to get a job (even though I have my GED) and the fact that college was an issue, I am a bad example to my nieces and nephews and other kids I care about. How can I ever show them what can come out of a good education?
I regret throwing away old letters and mementos from my past. The older I get, the harder it is to remember the fun times I had when I was young. Too much of my teen years was filled with pain, anger and angst and the times that were good were really, really good and I have a hard time remembering those moments now. Some of my old love letters from people were so touching and sweet, I can’t believe that even though I don’t feel anything at all for these people, I would throw away such sweet testaments of love.

The place you want live if money was not an issue.

If money wasn’t an issue, I would have a home in Maine; Oscoda, Michigan; Salem, Massachusetts; Paris, France; County Cork, Ireland; Casablanca, Morocco; Stuttgart, Germany; London, England; and somewhere in the Caribbean.

What thoughts predominate your mind right now?

How cold I am. Both air conditioners are on full blast and the cold is killing my joints.

21. Do you think there is a difference between you being around other people or other people being around you?

There is a huge difference. If I’m around other people, it’s because I want to be. If other people are around me, I don’t necessarily want them to be there – and they are very often not the people I want to have around me in the first place.

Have you ever had a simple decision in front of you and known it could change everything?

Yes.

Do you think that the questions asked reveal more about the asker than the askee wanted?

Yes. The depth of a question, the type of question, the amount of questions, all speak volumes about the person asking them.

What do you value most in life?

Love.

And the day is upon us.

I got to be a “mom” to a teenager for over a year and I have loved every second of it. Even the arguments, whining and the millions of times I asked her to close the shower curtain after she was done as to keep from accumulating mildew so quickly. I wouldn’t trade a single moment of having her here for anything.

But the moment has come, quickly, that my baby and her beautiful girlfriend are going to signing the lease to their very first place. A home of their own. No one else’s rules, no one else’s bull shit, privacy that they have both been seriously lacking. In just over 24 hours, my baby will be an apartment renter and I will have only a short time (while they clean and paint the place) to enjoy their company in what is soon to be a two person apartment again.

Now don’t get me wrong. I will thoroughly enjoy my privacy again. I am looking forward to being able to walk around naked if I wish or come out into the living room to watch TV or read when I can’t sleep. But I can tell you right now that I will be lonely. Ted just started his new job yesterday, which keeps him out of the house from 6:45 pm to 7:15 am. That is a long stretch of lonely hours. I will really really miss having my girls here.

Speaking of my girls, Aimee has become a full blown member of this family. She is the first person that Bee has dated that I love in all aspects. She treats Bee like a princess and she is so respectful. She loves Ted and I love that. I was strange at first because usually, people attach to me more than Ted and Aimee definitely has not. She and Ted are buddies. I like that. Aimee takes care of Bee and vice versa. I can tell that this is really going to be a full and equal partnership. People say that moving in together will either make or break a relationship. I know that moving together will make this one.

I have to enjoy what little time I have left with them. I know once they leave I will want to lay in bed and cry for a week and if I allow that, it could turn into a massive depression for me. It’s scary that Ted’s return to work is coinciding with their departure from our home and therefore there will be no one here to watch and help if I start falling into a depression. I am trying to stay positive and think of all of the good that will come out of them moving. Privacy, alone time, being able to be wherever in the house I want to be whenever I want to be there, not feeling uncomfortable when I walk in on a make out session, being able to write (since I can’t write in the presence of others), having the bathroom practically all to myself, closed shower curtains without mildew, closet space, space in general, saving money, buying what I want at the store rather than what we all agree on. I am trying not to think about what I will be missing. Conversation almost any time I need it, the sounds of life, cheerful faces, advice at 2 am, company when I am lonely, the feeling of having a family, feeling needed, cooking for more than two, sunshine at all times. As much as I am ready for them to go, I also really want them to stay.

Oh well, I guess that’s life. Kids grow and change and then move out.

I just hope they’ll still need me from time to time. I hope they won’t forget about me here all lonely on 3rd Street. I hope that their world doesn’t just consist of the two of them and that they get out and do stuff.

My day in list form 08/02/2010

• Woke up at 12:00 pm
• found out that ted DOES have the job and felt happy and sad all at once.
• hung out with Aimee while watching High Art talking about life and pills and the suicide of our friends.
• Made Ted lunch
• Sat home alone for hours listening to music from 1999 while IMing Laura.
• The girls came home and then Chad came over and we smoked.
• Sat in my room writing a little
• Talked to Ted at midnight and wished he were home.
• Watched some TV (VH1 reality tv… What was I thinking?)
• Read a little.
• Wished Ted were home
• Talked to Ted for a few minutes at 3 am
• Went to bed at about 3:05am

Glad for that… but…

I didn’t think it would happen so fast, but she doesn’t even need me to cry on anymore. I’m glad she has someone though, even if it’s not me.

Dear A,

Dear Amy,

I would like to say that I didn’t let you surprise and disappoint me again. I would like to say that after all these years of watching you care more about the bottle than your kids or even yourself, being thrilled when you “got sober” only to be crushed, yet again by your agonizing fall off the wagon, not just once, but over, and over, and over again, that I was immune to your good moments and have come to completely distrust your words and actions. I would love to tell you that since I knew that inevitably this moment would come, I wasn’t devastated by your lack of will power, strength, caring, motivation or the fact that once again, you refuse to take full and total responsibility for your actions.

The fact is that I was surprised and disappointed that after nine months of sobriety, doing well within the program set out for you by the state and the fact that you were about to get your kids back, you decided for whatever selfish reason to drink again. I thought, however, that since you stopped drinking after the first double shot the day before mother’s day and immediately turned yourself in to the proper authorities, you had learned, that even if you fall back, you know that the safety and welfare of your kids come first. After this fuck up I have realized that the only reason you did the “right thing” was because you knew that if you did it first, the courts would see that you were at least taking responsibility of your actions and were regaining the control that you had previously lacked. You play the system like a fiddle and you are Charlie Daniels. You know how to manipulate everyone and everything and instead of working hard to fix yourself and make things right, you work twice as hard to find every possible way around the rules.

I have not become immune to your fuck ups. I still find myself falling for all the things you have done right and my heart fills with joy and my hopes get inflated and in the end, everything comes crashing down around us all. Everyone in the situation suffers. Your children are once again devastated, Grandma and Grandpa’s future plans have to remain on hold indefinitely, Ted and I watch a young woman’s faith in the world shred into tiny pieces. Meanwhile, you get more tattoos, create a whole new home with brand new furniture, game systems, televisions… Everyone else is suffering financially and the kids don’t have parents and you’ve ruined Andrea’s entire senior year, the kids hate almost everything and everyone, everyone’s life is at a standstill and the list goes on and on. You, however get to go to bars, parties, reunions, and you get to play with the kids when it suits you. You complain when the state talks about making you pay child support, even after you collected Scott’s money and food stamps meant for a family of 5 for three months after the kids were taken. You’re having the time of your life living for yourself and not seeming to give a shit about your kids or the people who are taking care of them. You complain about having to do any of the things that any parent does on a daily basis and then bitch that you don’t have your full parental rights. You are so selfish.

And I am devastated by the fact that you can’t seem to stay sober. I am sick of hearing about how you have to do this for yourself and you can’t do it for anyone else, including your kids. I am sick of hearing how AA is such a help to you when one of their regularly used phrases is “I am powerless over my addiction.” You are NOT powerless. You have the choice to NOT buy booze. You have the choice NOT to put a drink to your lips and you HAVE the CHOICE to take responsibility for the fact that you care more about having fun and doing what you want than making your kids happy. And I am even more sick of hearing about how you’re sick. That this is a disease. Alcoholism is a CHOICE. Alcoholism is a road that you choose to take, and even though there are several streets that can and will take you off this road, you choose to continue on. You’re not sick, you’re weak, you’re cowardly and you’re selfish.

You blame your set backs on so many things, but lately, it seems that you are blaming the failure of your marriage the most. That is funny, because you have already moved on to the next man who will support you and enable you. You have hidden this fact from everyone except a few people. How can you expect me, Andrea, or anyone else for that fact to believe that you are so upset over the break up of your marriage that you can’t help but drink, when you’re already head over heels in love and planning your next wedding on the beach with flowers in your hair. You’ve told me for quite some time that you’re sick of Michael. More recently, at the TDM, you said that you drank because you feeling overwhelmed by the fact that you’re almost done with school, you’re about to start an internship that will most likely lead to a full time job, you’re about to get the kids back… Really? What happens when they come home and you’re under ten feet of stress? What then? What makes you think that if you’re drinking over the possibilities of all the good things, you won’t race to the bottom of the bottle when things go wrong?

I am beginning to think that you like having things the way they are. You get weekend visits with your kids if you want, you don’t have to pay to support them, and you get to do whatever the hell you want the rest of the time.

I am done. I am finished feeling guilty for making the call that took your kids from you, because I know that they weren’t safe with you. I honestly wish that I had done it a lot earlier. When you gave Andrea a black eye, for instance. RIGHT THEN I should have made the call rather than waiting for Adrienne to take me to the school and then calling CPS with me. I am done trying to regain our friendship because honestly, how can I be friends with someone who can treat her kids like they’re not worth anything to her, and a person who I can’t trust and a person who can lie to my face? My only connection to you now is through your children. I love your kids and care about their welfare. I don’t try to sabotage their lives like I have witnessed you do. Like I have witnessed you allow Michael to do. I have given up a lot to make sure that Andrea has as much as I can give her and you know what? I think that even though I can’t give her her own room or make sure she has her privacy, I make sure she has almost everything she needs and I try to give her some of what she wants. The one thing I can’t give her that she needs is a real mother. You have proven that you’re not a mother. You’re a drunk. I hope, even if I don’t believe, that you’ll get sober. I hope that you find whatever it is you need to find peace without a drink. I hope that you can somehow regain the trust from your children. More so, I hope that they will not become jaded and will be able to trust people. That they will know true love when it is given to them. I hope that they don’t always wait for the other shoe to drop. If they turn out to be normal, healthy adults, I will be surprised, and I will not give you any credit for it. You are on your own now. You have your friends who enable you, but what good will they be for you in the long run?

I don’t want anything to do with you now. I hope you’re happy with the fact that you missed your daughter’s first and last day of her senior year, her first and last homecoming, her first and last prom, her graduation from high school, her 18th birthday and soon, you’ll miss her graduation party, first day of college and seeing her move into her first apartment. Is the bottle really worth all that?

Ted and I have stood in as her parents for a year now. This has been a tumultuous year for the kids. Ted and I shouldn’t have been the ones standing with the parents at graduation to receive the praise of the graduates and the staff of the school. And as much as I loved being able to stand there for her, I also felt the biggest feeling of guilt. Not the guilt that you think I should have, but the guilt that I hadn’t done something about your drinking sooner. Maybe if I had, you would have been sober and able to stand there at Andrea’s graduation yourself. Where you should have been. Instead, I am positive that you sat at home, blaming everyone but yourself for the fact that you were not welcome to see Andrea’s most important accomplishment to date. You chose the bottle, you chose self satisfaction, you chose self pity, you chose hatred, you chose deceit and most importantly, you chose YOU.

Do you have any clue to what this year has been like for Andrea? You have ruined just about every beautiful moment this year could have held for her. She wasn’t there to see the kid’s first day of school this year. She didn’t have the chance to talk to them afterwards to find out how it went for them and on top of it, you call me, wasted out of your mind and pretend to be okay, you pretend to be genuinely curious about her first day; She didn’t didn’t get to go with them on Halloween, steal their candy or give them some of her own; She missed Thanksgiving with them, even though she got an “after Thanksgiving” with them, it just wasn’t the same. Putting up the Christmas tree, for the first time without them, damn near crippled her emotionally. I watched her spiral into a depression that no amount of Christmas music, love or happiness could heal. I watched her as she sat, depressed, wishing with all of her soul that she could be with the family that you so selfishly tore apart. Christmas was once again without them and it was near impossible to try to convince her that things were going to be okay; When Andrea got her Gold Key for her photo portfolio and had it go to Nationals, where was the huge fanfare? She had me and Ted and everything else was afar. She needed her siblings to help her celebrate; She rang in the New Year without the kids. Once again another first that she wasn’t expecting so soon; Valentines day felt like a slap in the face; You ruin her LAST day of high school by being wasted, and when we tried to help you, you lied to her on the phone and to me, straight to my face. I am convinced you only told on yourself that time because it got you out of trouble the previous relapse; On her graduation day, you contact her by text, though she expressly and in front of everyone at the TDM said that she did NOT want you to contact her. You then gave her your famous fucking attitude after she let you know, AGAIN, that she didn’t want you to contact her. But the part of this year that I got to witness the most ruin of was her 18th birthday. You twisted my words and made me the bad guy and didn’t come to greet Andrea when she got off the bus to Chicago. You know damn well that when I called off the dinner for the 18th, I was NOT calling off the welcome home. I specifically said that “Dinner was off.” When you called me on the way to the busses, pissed off and with a shit ton of attitude, I was appalled and shocked. You didn’t come because you were already in your pajamas, yet the next day, you talk about how you were at a party or bonfire shortly before. You could have changed and driven the few miles to the school to be there for your oldest daughter. How many more moments in at least Andrea’s life are you willing to ruin? Sadly, you’re doing it to the littles as well, but they don’t talk about it as much. Instead, they hold everything inside, get bitter, angry and hurt. Alice spent an entire school year leaving class, most of the time on several occasions per day, to get hugs from perfect strangers. Matthew has become more and more aggressive both verbally and mentally. You have continually raised their hopes, knowing what the truth is, and then when your promises were left unfulfilled, you let Grandma and Grandpa be the bad guys and tell them what we all had known before but what you were too much of a coward to admit to them; You still weren’t fit to take them home. And every time that happened, it was someone else’s fault. Like it always is. You continue to leave behind you, a wake of broken hopes, shattered dreams, horrifying nightmares, dying faith and a warped sense of trust.

You’re also missing another pivotal moment in Andrea’s life. She has met someone that I think she’s really beginning to fall for. She’s in a really happy and healthy relationship and now everyone in the family has met her except you, Scott and Michael. She’s moving into a whole new stage of her life and she’s transitioning very well despite the road blocks you keep throwing in her path. Every time she moves ahead, you do something to step in her way.

Look, I know that you have a lot of demons that you need to face. Fuck, we all do. But you’re taking your sweet time dealing and in the mean time, you’re missing the kids’ lives and they’re missing out on a regular life of their own. Get on with it already or just let go. If you can’t make your own life work, quit fighting to get the kids back. Let them be adopted so they can stop waking each and every day wondering what the hell is going to happen today. So they can adjust to a way of life and know that it will be consistent and safe. You can’t have it both ways if you want them to come out healthy. What are you teaching them with all of this inconsistency and drinking and failing and not taking responsibility for your own mistakes? You’re creating people who may not function properly in the world as adults. You also have to stop letting everyone else be the bad guys. You need to step up and tell the kids that it’s YOUR fault they’re not home. Not mine or Andrea’s or the court’s or even your “sickness”. YOU need to tell them that you are an alcoholic and YOU choose to drink repeatedly. YOU choose to put YOU before them, because Amy, that’s exactly what you do and have been doing for a long time. You constantly let everyone else do your dirty work so that the kids continue to love and adore you. All you’re doing is setting them up for a huge let down.

I may not have kids of my own. Believe me, you have and will NEVER let me forget that. I know that you think I have no clue how to raise a child, especially one of yours. And I know that you think that I have done everything in my power to steal your children from you, but I would give anything for them to have a mother who they can look up to and be able to trust with every bit of their being. And I think I know quite a bit about raising kids, especially yours. I think that for the most part I am someone they can look up to a little and definitely trust. I think that they all know that they’re needs will ALWAYS go before my own. I would give ANYTHING for your children. I would give my life to save them both mentally and physically. I wish I could take away the hurt of the past several years, but especially the last one. I wish I could have given them the childhood that they deserved rather than the one filled with booze, possibly coke back in the trailer, fighting, car accidents, jail, being hit in the face by her mother and years of living with a stepfather who always and in almost every aspect came before the kids. Don’t get me started on Michael.

I have no clue why you married Michael. It’s pretty obvious that you don’t and haven’t loved him in a long time, if ever. You have stayed with him through so many things that would make any real, loving mother get up and run. You allowed him to stay after he stole thousands of dollars from you, blamed Anthony for stealing from you, and you allowed your family to live without heat and hot water for quite a while so that he could have everything on his truck that he not only needed, but wanted. I can’t count the number of times he would fill his truck with all the best name brand snacks and food and then when he’d leave, there was almost nothing left in the house for the five people left. He pawned your wedding ring for money to have fun instead of paying bills. YOU CHOSE to marry him still, knowing that all he was was a child who wanted nothing but a ready made family so he could either cover the fact that he’s bisexual from his family or just because he was too lazy to start one on his own. And because you are too scared to be by yourself, you latched on to the first man who you knew had little enough backbone to keep you in check despite what he would and had taken from the family. Michael is a liar and a manipulator and an enabler of the very worst kind and you have repeatedly put him before your kids. The sad thing is that now that you’re ready to get rid of him, it’s not for the health, safety and welfare of you or the kids, it’s because once again, you have found someone to replace him.

Speaking of Tony… Really? For twenty years (or so) you have hidden his true existence from the kids. Then, like a flash flood, you tell them of this life you had with him, and how you gave birth, not alone like you’ve been telling me and the kids for almost 2 decades, but with your fiancee and his family. You have let the kids believe what Scott told them, even though Scott’s been gone for over 6 years now. You allowed Anthony to be lied to about how he got his name and you wonder why the bigs have a hard time believing what you have to say. Tony may be a nice guy, but I am having a hard time believing that he’s THAT ready for a divorce. He sounds pretty happy on line. Are you really willing to break up a family so you can have the security that you need from being with another man to support and enable you? You seem ready to pick up and run away with him and the littles don’t even know he exists yet. You’re going to get them home, life will just begin to settle down and become normal again and then out Michael will go, in Tony will come and then they will be in turmoil again trying to figure out what the hell is happening in their lives again. Why are you always so willing to give up their emotional well being for your own needs?

I will no longer keep the hope of your sobriety in the forefront of my head or heart. I will always secretly wish for it, but not for you… For your kids. Man up, get your shit together and be a real mom to the only two kids you have left who respect and trust you. You’ll regret not doing it if you don’t do it soon.

I miss my friend and I know that I will never have her back. I miss the woman whose love for her children used to show on her face, in her eyes. I miss the woman who treated me with mutual respect instead of like a lesser person and more recently, an enemy. I am sick of hearing you talk to me about what you’ve lost and how I am the one who took it all from you. I am so sick of you telling me that our conversations, the ones that revolve around the daughter who has been raising herself for the past several years, shouldn’t be spoken about to the “child” they’re about. Doesn’t she have the right to know what her mother is saying about her? I am sick of being told that my relationship with your kids has been inappropriate because they have chosen to confide in me rather than their drunk or high most of the time mother. I feel like you have been competing in this battle for your daughter and the funny thing is that it was never a competition to me. She’s your daughter, I’m her aunt. I have been repeatedly baffled by the fact that you have tried to make me choose between our friendship and the friendship with your kids, when what I was giving them was more than a “friendship”, but a place to unload the issues that they could no longer bring to you. I miss you, and I know I’ll never have you back. That absolutely kills me and I have to wonder if you feel the same. The sad thing is that weather you do or don’t doesn’t even matter. That person is gone, amends can not and will not ever be made. I will stand by the choices I made for the rest of my life. Will you?

I also want to reiterate that Andrea has now made it abundantly clear to both you and Scott. You are not welcome to contact her until either she contacts you first or you are sober. I don’t mean sober for now, I mean sober for life. Andrea’s life is a fresh one now. She’s starting over. Lucky for her, this is a regular time for a huge life change. When she’s ready for you, if you haven’t gotten sober yet, she will come to you. She’ll take her court ordered visitations, which I find funny that you’re upset about, and she’ll deal with you when and how she needs to. Your display of selfishness on the afternoon of her graduation day was not only ignorant, but sad. She knows that you’re thinking about her. You didn’t need to push yourself on her and then get an attitude when her response to you wasn’t full of glee. This day was NOT about you or how you are feeling or what you felt you needed to say. This day was about her, her wants, her wishes and you couldn’t even respect her that much. Regardless of what you may think, she’s doing very well without your bullshit and drama. You have no right to be angry or upset with her for her reactions. They are justified and you know it. If you disagree, then it just goes to show how far you still need to go before you will “recover” from your issues. It isn’t until you can completely, one hundred percent, take all responsibility of your wrongdoings before you’ll realize that most of the shit in your life is YOUR fault and no one else’s.

The safety plan is a joke! You have been allowed to drink without major consequences. You lost 45 days with the kids coming home. You didn’t lose your visitation with the kids, though you should have lost some of it considering that you’ve now drank twice when they were either home or on their way home. You’ve learned how to make your “relapses” seem like they’re okay so long as you tell on yourself once you have gotten caught. I truly believe that there have been more ”relapses”, I just think that you haven’t gotten caught until now.

It’s time for a major change on everyone’s part. We’re not backing down any more. We’re not keeping quiet any more and we’re never going to quit fighting for the rights of the children whose rights you have stolen. The tides are changing and if you’re still unwilling to do what needs to be done, we’re waiting to step up and do what we need to do to ensure that the kids will have what’s rightfully theirs; Love, health, safety, consistency, faith, trust and a life full of happiness.

Aimée

The inevitable next step

So, Andrea has just graduated high school… I am overjoyed and miserable all at the same time. I am so proud of her for achieving so many things that most other people would have given up on considering what she’s gone through. She has come through so much fire, so many washed out paths and coming to bridges that others burned before her. She has succeeded despite all of the people who have tried their hardest to keep her from succeeding because they knew that they wouldn’t be there to get their cut of the recognition.

Then again, she HAS succeeded without them… They missed out on their daughter’s most amazing moment of her school career… They missed out on the most important year of her life this far. They made choices that concerned her , for her and without her consent, sending her, and the kids’ lives spinning out of control. The only control they have over Andrea and the kids now is by fucking up their own lives so much that it can’t help but fuck up all the lives around theirs.

When the parents were asked to stand, Barb told us to stand. And I did stand there proudly but also very solemnly because I knew that  I was only Amy’s stand in… I was not really her mother and I never will be. It’s seriously time to drive that through my fucking head. I need to stop living in this fantasy land where Ted and I have four of the most beautiful kids imaginable. The truth is that we have none. We just fill in when we’re needed. We’re temporary fillings… Then, I began to feel really guilty about standing up at all. That wasn’t my place. Who the hell did I think I was trying to fill those shoes, take up that specific piece of the puzzle. Amy should have been there. I know that despite all of the shit Amy has done, that she had been waiting for this moment for as long as, if not longer than me. No. Let’s be real… She has been waiting for this moment longer than me. Andrea is hers. She gave birth to this beautiful person that I get to hold on to for a while.

Soon, Bee will be moving out. That is the inevitable next step. That is the step I am the most afraid of. That is the step that will really tell me if I did a good job as Andrea’s guardian, Aunt, and friend… I’d love to add mother, but Andrea doesn’t need another one of those breathing down her neck. I will never be her mother, no matter how bad I wish I were. She will never consider me her mother, no matter how much I wish she would, because the fact remains; I’m not her mom. I never will be. That will be the moment when I see if she even really needs me. I need her to need me. I am not ready to let her go yet. I want to know that I am as important to her life as she obviously is to mine. She’s become my everything. She’s ingrained in my soul. Her pains hurt me, her sadnesses weaken my heart, when she’s devastated, I can’t help but cry for and with her. When there are joyous occasions, I feel my heart bursting with joy for her. When she falls in love, I feel her anticipation in seeing her special someone. Today, when I got to introduce Aimee to different, very important relatives, I felt like I was going to melt and I felt the joy of Andrea and Aimee. How can this not be what a mother feels?

Andrea will be gone soon, and I fear that she’ll be gone for good. That’s she’s had so much of us that she’ll need a sabbatical  completely without us in her lives. I feel like I won’t know what is going on in her life. I won’t be a part of her joys and all the shit she might go through. What if I completely miss big things in her life? Will she even want mt there after she leaves?

You had me at “Hello”

So… Yea… Andrea and I have the same taste in women… Wow… I didn’t see that one coming. I mean our taste in men is so completely different. I figured that for the most part, our taste in women would differ greatly as well… Now, don’t get me wrong. I am truly in complete love with my husband. He is the only person in the world that I could ever be with, but She is absolutely amazing. She is beautiful. Not just beautiful, but hot. I mean, Shane from “The L Word” hot. She’s smart and talented and funny. She’s super sweet and immensely sexy. She’s got a great body and an even greater mind. She and Andrea were cut from the same cloth. I see that now. I can’t fault Andrea for falling in love with Aimee so fast, after all, It hasn’t been long and I have a HUGE girl crush on her. I would never act on it though… Like I said previously… I can think though, right?

She’s really upbeat most of the time despite the fact that she’s so sick. Andrea will take great care of her… If Aimee allows it. I had “The Talk” with Aimee and she knows that I will destroy her if she hurts Andrea in any way that she has control over. I mean, she’s sick… If she gets sicker and Andrea gets hurt, I’ll let it go… You know what I mean. Aimee is exactly what I searched for when I was younger. I sometimes really miss being with a girl. That’s the sucky thing about being bisexual. Men and women give such different things. Men CAN’T give certain things and women CAN’T give certain things (And I’m not just talking sex) and I need them both. Ted is my forever. I need to learn to live without those things. I can live without those things. I will live without those things. If I ever lose Ted, which I hope to God I never do, and I have to go on without him. I will be with a woman again. Neve r again will I be with a man, because I have the best one out there. He’s ruined me for all other men.

But really… Aimee’s amazing.

Someone to Love

Andrea met a girl; Aimee. Aimee is amazing. She’s everything I want for Andrea in a significant other. Andrea is happier than I have seen her in a long time. She deserves that. Aimee is wicked smart, exceptionally beautiful and incredibly real. She’s also uber sick. When Andrea first told me about that, it scared me. Andrea doesn’t need another loss in her life. Then I thought about it. What’s life without love. Yes, there is a possibility that if the doctors don’t figure out what exactly is wrong with Aimee, something bad might happen. I don’t know too much about what she’s going through, but I saw the pain on her face the other day and it terrifies and saddens me greatly. My heart breaks for her and now Andrea. Because now, Andrea will feel that pain with Aimee.

It feels like Aimee was made to be part of our family. She went through two FULL days with us and didn’t run away screaming. She’s open and honest and loves the same things we all do. There are now 3 photographers in the fold. I can’t wait to take pictures of her and Andrea. You know what’s really strange? Aimee is perfect for Andrea and the reason that’s funny is because now I know that Andrea and I have the EXACT same taste in women. Aimee looks like Shane from ‘The L Word’ but is soft. At first, she comes off kind of tough, but once she opens up, you can see the softness in her. She doesn’t seem to enjoy the fact that she’s the “butch,” though I think it suits her. She’s a very feminine butch. Just like Andrea. They are both just enough of each the butch and the feminine to make them work. I think it’s adorable.

Andrea is so happy. The other day, I watched them as they lounged on the couch. The didn’t say a single word, but stared at one another for the longest time. I love that they talk for hours while they cuddle. Aimee is so much better for Andrea than anyone she’s previously dated. Especially the last one who I still want to do great bodily harm to. I hope things continue to go well for them both. And damn it, Aimee better get used to being babied. It’s what I do best.

My Thing

I do my thing, and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations And you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, if by chance we find each other, it’s beautiful. If not, it can’t be helped. Fritz Perls If I do my thing and you do your thing And if we don’t live up to each other’s expectations We might live but the world will not survive. You are you, and I am I, and together, joining hands, not by chance, We will find each other beautiful. If not, we can’t be helped. Claude Steiner

RIP Telemachus Rex

You were a spaz and SO annoying. You’d eat Alice’s panties and barf them up whole. You barked like a maniac at any squirrel who dared put it’s tail on your lawn or any mailman who was too rude to greet you. You humped Rachel at any chance you got and ruined Andrea’s fifteenth birthday by breaking your leg. You were a great cuddler, lover and took treats so nicely. You’ll be missed sweet Telemachus. The windows won’t shine as bright now that your pouty lips and face no longer adorn them.

I’ve come to realize…

1. I’ve come to realize that my chest-size. . . Isn’t the gift I thought it would be when I was young and they were admired more. If I would have known that they would cause back aches, ill fitting shirts, and be the cause of knocking things off shelves and people off of chairs, I would have tried to do something earlier to make them go away.

2. I’ve come to realize that my job. . . is non existant. And the “jobs” I do have that don’t pay  SHOULD pay.

3. I’ve come to realize that when I’m driving. . . I am more comfortable and at peace with myself. That I can be anyone I want in my little metal and plastic bubble.

4. I’ve come to realize that I need. . . to be content with me. That doesn’t mean that I have to be comfortable in the bad and not make changes, but that I shouldn’t hate myself so much and so often.

5. I’ve come that realize that I have lost. . . my way… I had so many plans for my life and I have only gotten very little done. I guess I should forget the old and create new plans, but it’s hard to do.

6. I’ve come to realize that I hate it when. . . people just assume I am at their beck and call… I seem to be the go to person who never has people let her go to them.

7. I’ve come to realize that if I’m drunk. . . I WILL wake up with a hangover!

8. I’ve come to realize that money… though nice is NOT important.

9. I’ve come to realize that certain people. . . will never learn.

10. I’ve come to realize that I’ll always. . . be fat. No matter how hard I have tried, I have been unable to lose enough weight.

11. I’ve come to realize that my sibling(s). . . hasn’t changed much from when we were kids.

12. I’ve come to realize that my mom… is my best friend, my biggest supporter, a great critic and an amazing woman.

13. I’ve come to realize that my cell phone. . . is an electronic leash and I need to learn how to let it go to voicemail more often.

14. I’ve come to realize that when I woke up this morning. . . that I have too much time on my hands, yet I don’t seem to have the time to do what I need to do.

15. I’ve come to realize that last night before I went to sleep. . . that I depend too much on sleeping pills.

16. I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking. . . about how the hell I can make a dependable liquid dish soap.

17. I’ve come to realize that my dad. . . is a lot more sensitive now than he was when I was a kid.

18. I’ve come to realize that when I get on Facebook. . . that I have much better things to do.

19. I’ve come to realize that today. . . is just another day.

20. I’ve come to realize that tonight. . . is Thursday night.

21. I’ve come to realize that tomorrow. . . Jerry will be staying the night and I am dreading it majorly.

22. I’ve come to realize that I really want to. . . be a photographer.

23. I’ve come to realize that the person mostly likely to repost this is. . . not important to me.

24. I’ve come to realize that life. . . should not be taken so seriously.

25. I’ve come to realize that this weekend. . . is going to be miserable.

26. I’ve realized the best music to listen to when I am upset. . . is classical.

27. I’ve come to realize that my friends. . . are the best. They are dependable and mean the world to me.

28. I’ve come to realize that this year. . . is going by REALLY fast.

29. I’ve come to realize that my exes. . . are out of my life.

30. I’ve come to realize that maybe I should. . . get off the damn computer and clean my house.

31. I’ve come to realize that I love. . . myself more than I care to admit.

32. I’ve come to realize that I don’t understand. . . anything fully.

33. I’ve come to realize my past. . . is in the past and I have to stop dwelling on it.

34. I’ve come to realize that parties. . . are not as fun as they used to be.

35. I’ve come to realize that I’m totally terrified. . . of being in pain when I get older.

I’ve come to realize that my life. . . is worth living.

I MIss Him

This is Ratsputan. I miss him. He passed away a few years ago. He was the sweetest animal, ever and I used to let him ride on my shoulders. I talked to him a lot. I want another rat! We’ll see. Ted probably won’t let me have another.

Holi, The Hindu Celebration of Colour

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Holi

God Krishna playing Holi with Radha and other Gopis
Also called Festival of colours
Observed by Indians (mainly Hindus, Sikhs,Muslims, Buddhists and Jains), almost all Nepalese (mainly Hindus and a fair amount of Buddhists)
Begins Phalgun Purnima or Pooranmashi (Full Moon)
Date March
2009 date March 11
Celebrations 3 – 16 days

Holi, also called the Festival of Colors, is a popular Hindu spring festival observed in India, Pakistan, Nepal, Bangladesh, and countries with large Hindu diaspora populations, such as Suriname, Guyana, South Africa, Trinidad, the UK, Mauritius, and Fiji. In West Bengal of India and Bangladesh it is known as Dolyatra (Doul Jatra) or Basanta-Utsab (“spring festival”). The most celebrated Holi is that of the Braj region, placed connected to Krishna – Mathura, Vrindavan, Nandagaon and Barsana, places which have become tourist destinations during the festive season of Holi, which lasts here to up to sixteen days [1].

The main day, Holi, also known as Dhulheti, Dhulandi or Dhulendi, is celebrated by people throwing colored powder and colored water at each other. Bonfires are lit the day before, also known as Holika Dahan (death of Holika) or Chhoti Holi (little Holi). The bonfires are lit in memory of the miraculous escape that young Prahlad had when Demoness Holika, sister of Hiranyakashipu, carried him into the fire. Holika was burnt but Prahlad, a staunch devotee of god Vishnu, escaped without any injuries due to his unshakable devotion. Holika Dahan is referred to as Kama Dahanam in Andhra Pradesh.

Holi is celebrated at the end of the winter season on the last full moon day of the lunar month Phalguna (February/March), (Phalgun Purnima), which usually falls in the later part of February or March. In 2009, Holi (Dhulandi) was on March 11 and Holika Dahan was on March 10.

I discovered Holi yesterday and have decided that I love the idea of it. I love faiths of all kinds and have tried to incorporate different traditions from different cultures in my life. So, when I discovered Holi, not only was I in love with the story and the celebration, but I loved how beautiful it looks hnd how well it would look in photos. My friends and I have decided to have a Holi type celebration. Sadly, it will be far too cold to do it during the traditional time, so we’re going to either do it in Septermber (the exact opposite day from the actual Holi day) or next year in late May early July. It depends on the fundage. The only requirement is to wear a plain white shirt. I think the colors will look even better when they’re on material. I am going to do my best to acquire a sari (finally) since I have been trying to do so for YEARS!

The following pictures I got from Photobucket. I did not take any of them myself.