My day in list forn 08/03/2010

• Woke up at 12:30 pm with my man snoring by my side. I missed him so much last night.
• Blogged a bit.
• Read for a while.
• Hung out with Ted.
• Did the dishes.
• Tried to watch a movie to no avail.
• Talked to Nickie. God I can’t wait for her to come home.
• Talked to Laura.
• Did the dishes again.
• Got depressed when Aimee came in long enough to tell me that they were going to sign the lease tonight instead of tomorrow. I know, It’s only one day early, but I am still not sure I’m ready for them to move.
• Talked to Laura again.
• Went with the girls to the ER where Aimee got a lumbar puncture. Ouch.
• Came home and finished my book.
• Ate.
• And now I’m waiting for Ted’s 3 am call since I missed his 12 am call while I was at the hospital.

Questions at 2:26 pm

What would you say is the most profound advice you’ve ever been given (and did you heed it)

I was told that dropping out of high school would ruin my life. I never, not for one moment, believe that something a silly as dropping out when it was SO easy to go and get your GED, would affect the rest of my life. Boy was I wrong!

Who, for you, is an idol? Why are they your idol?

I try not to have idols. I have people that I look up to, but I don’t believe someone should idolize someone else. I used to put people on pedestals, but in time I found that when I did that, when they became regular people for me it was in the most devastating ways. The further up you have them, the farther don they fall when they do. And it always hurts you more in the long run.

When, during the day, are you in your best mood, and why?

It depends on the time of year. In the Spring, it’s early in the morning. In the Autumn it’s mid to late afternoon and early evening. In the Summer and Winter it’s late at night.

When you wake, what do you normally think of first?

Going pee!

If you could choose doing the washing up or drying up, which one would it be? ( I have a dishwasher is not acceptable)

Washing, but I hate dishes in general.

How often do you pretend you can’t hear your phone ringing because you don’t want to answer it?

A little too often. Especially when I am depressed.

What are your favourite recipes that never go wrong?

Shepherd’s Pie
Turkey Noodle Soup
Stuffed Shells
Chicken and Rice

What did you do on your 11th birthday?

I have no clue, that was almost 21 years ago.

______ is sexy But._____ is sexier.

Johnny Depp is sexy but Katherine Moennig is sexier.

Where would you like to live if you had to leave Michigan and why?

Someplace on the east coast. Maine, Massachusetts, Maryland. New Englandish I think.

What would be your dream job?

A concert photographer, photographer in general, own a coffee shop, own a used book store, doing something I love from home, something artsy for sure.

Do you keep in contact with anyone from your school days? Tell us something about your oldest and closest friends.

I have a few friends left from my school days. Cris, Jess, Rick, Cori. I don’t talk to any of them nearly enough. I have gotten back in contack with a friend I have not heard from or talked to in 20 years, Nicki. We have been talking a lot lately and she’s moving back to MI in 3 days! I can’t wait to see her again.

Do you feel that you have depths (of feelings, ideas, attitudes) that have not yet been shared by another person?

I used to feel that way until recently. I have met someone who is becoming one of my best friends. We share similar beliefs and ideals in some of the things I thought I was completely alone in. Finding that in another person is the most wonderful feeling ever.

What is the biggest mistake you have ever made, in the sense that it affected your life adversely?

Dropping out of high school. Definitely. That one act defined who I was in so many ways. In finding a job, in how people looked at me, in the advice I could give to young people, in going back to school, in my belief in myself, in what others thought about me.

Name 5 things that give you pleasure?

Ted
Being able to write
Time alone (but not being lonely)
A great movie
Talking to a good friend

Do you prefer living in Michigan to living in Virginia & why?

Virginia by FAR! I loved the ocean most of all. The scenery is so much better than Michigan’s. Autumn and it’s colors last a hell of a lot longer. The roads are better. Winters are milder.

Where do you want to be in 5 years from now?

I choose not to think about it. Everyone talks about the 5 year plan and how it’s not a goal until you think it out, plan it and put it into writing. I think that’s absolute bullshit. I see the reasoning behind it, really, I do. But for me, when I don’t reach that goal, or when I look back and see where I thought I’d be in 5 years and haven’t achieved it, or had gone in a different direction, I feel like an absolute failure. Where will I be in 5 years? Who knows, but I hope I’m happy.

Do you regret anything so far? What is your biggest regret?

I used to say that I had no regrets. That one should not regret anything for everything one experiences makes one the person they are. I like who I am. BUT… I have discovered that I do have a few regrets.

I regret walking away from Trinity when she was using drugs. Even though I didn’t want to watch her kill herself and I had done everything in my power to help her, she still needed a friend and I regret saving myself heartbreak and trying to teach her a lesson that in the end, I believe helped her make the decision to kill herself.
I regret dropping out of school. Despite the fact that it’s harder to get a job (even though I have my GED) and the fact that college was an issue, I am a bad example to my nieces and nephews and other kids I care about. How can I ever show them what can come out of a good education?
I regret throwing away old letters and mementos from my past. The older I get, the harder it is to remember the fun times I had when I was young. Too much of my teen years was filled with pain, anger and angst and the times that were good were really, really good and I have a hard time remembering those moments now. Some of my old love letters from people were so touching and sweet, I can’t believe that even though I don’t feel anything at all for these people, I would throw away such sweet testaments of love.

The place you want live if money was not an issue.

If money wasn’t an issue, I would have a home in Maine; Oscoda, Michigan; Salem, Massachusetts; Paris, France; County Cork, Ireland; Casablanca, Morocco; Stuttgart, Germany; London, England; and somewhere in the Caribbean.

What thoughts predominate your mind right now?

How cold I am. Both air conditioners are on full blast and the cold is killing my joints.

21. Do you think there is a difference between you being around other people or other people being around you?

There is a huge difference. If I’m around other people, it’s because I want to be. If other people are around me, I don’t necessarily want them to be there – and they are very often not the people I want to have around me in the first place.

Have you ever had a simple decision in front of you and known it could change everything?

Yes.

Do you think that the questions asked reveal more about the asker than the askee wanted?

Yes. The depth of a question, the type of question, the amount of questions, all speak volumes about the person asking them.

What do you value most in life?

Love.

And the day is upon us.

I got to be a “mom” to a teenager for over a year and I have loved every second of it. Even the arguments, whining and the millions of times I asked her to close the shower curtain after she was done as to keep from accumulating mildew so quickly. I wouldn’t trade a single moment of having her here for anything.

But the moment has come, quickly, that my baby and her beautiful girlfriend are going to signing the lease to their very first place. A home of their own. No one else’s rules, no one else’s bull shit, privacy that they have both been seriously lacking. In just over 24 hours, my baby will be an apartment renter and I will have only a short time (while they clean and paint the place) to enjoy their company in what is soon to be a two person apartment again.

Now don’t get me wrong. I will thoroughly enjoy my privacy again. I am looking forward to being able to walk around naked if I wish or come out into the living room to watch TV or read when I can’t sleep. But I can tell you right now that I will be lonely. Ted just started his new job yesterday, which keeps him out of the house from 6:45 pm to 7:15 am. That is a long stretch of lonely hours. I will really really miss having my girls here.

Speaking of my girls, Aimee has become a full blown member of this family. She is the first person that Bee has dated that I love in all aspects. She treats Bee like a princess and she is so respectful. She loves Ted and I love that. I was strange at first because usually, people attach to me more than Ted and Aimee definitely has not. She and Ted are buddies. I like that. Aimee takes care of Bee and vice versa. I can tell that this is really going to be a full and equal partnership. People say that moving in together will either make or break a relationship. I know that moving together will make this one.

I have to enjoy what little time I have left with them. I know once they leave I will want to lay in bed and cry for a week and if I allow that, it could turn into a massive depression for me. It’s scary that Ted’s return to work is coinciding with their departure from our home and therefore there will be no one here to watch and help if I start falling into a depression. I am trying to stay positive and think of all of the good that will come out of them moving. Privacy, alone time, being able to be wherever in the house I want to be whenever I want to be there, not feeling uncomfortable when I walk in on a make out session, being able to write (since I can’t write in the presence of others), having the bathroom practically all to myself, closed shower curtains without mildew, closet space, space in general, saving money, buying what I want at the store rather than what we all agree on. I am trying not to think about what I will be missing. Conversation almost any time I need it, the sounds of life, cheerful faces, advice at 2 am, company when I am lonely, the feeling of having a family, feeling needed, cooking for more than two, sunshine at all times. As much as I am ready for them to go, I also really want them to stay.

Oh well, I guess that’s life. Kids grow and change and then move out.

I just hope they’ll still need me from time to time. I hope they won’t forget about me here all lonely on 3rd Street. I hope that their world doesn’t just consist of the two of them and that they get out and do stuff.

My day in list form 08/02/2010

• Woke up at 12:00 pm
• found out that ted DOES have the job and felt happy and sad all at once.
• hung out with Aimee while watching High Art talking about life and pills and the suicide of our friends.
• Made Ted lunch
• Sat home alone for hours listening to music from 1999 while IMing Laura.
• The girls came home and then Chad came over and we smoked.
• Sat in my room writing a little
• Talked to Ted at midnight and wished he were home.
• Watched some TV (VH1 reality tv… What was I thinking?)
• Read a little.
• Wished Ted were home
• Talked to Ted for a few minutes at 3 am
• Went to bed at about 3:05am

Glad for that… but…

I didn’t think it would happen so fast, but she doesn’t even need me to cry on anymore. I’m glad she has someone though, even if it’s not me.

Dear A,

Dear Amy,

I would like to say that I didn’t let you surprise and disappoint me again. I would like to say that after all these years of watching you care more about the bottle than your kids or even yourself, being thrilled when you “got sober” only to be crushed, yet again by your agonizing fall off the wagon, not just once, but over, and over, and over again, that I was immune to your good moments and have come to completely distrust your words and actions. I would love to tell you that since I knew that inevitably this moment would come, I wasn’t devastated by your lack of will power, strength, caring, motivation or the fact that once again, you refuse to take full and total responsibility for your actions.

The fact is that I was surprised and disappointed that after nine months of sobriety, doing well within the program set out for you by the state and the fact that you were about to get your kids back, you decided for whatever selfish reason to drink again. I thought, however, that since you stopped drinking after the first double shot the day before mother’s day and immediately turned yourself in to the proper authorities, you had learned, that even if you fall back, you know that the safety and welfare of your kids come first. After this fuck up I have realized that the only reason you did the “right thing” was because you knew that if you did it first, the courts would see that you were at least taking responsibility of your actions and were regaining the control that you had previously lacked. You play the system like a fiddle and you are Charlie Daniels. You know how to manipulate everyone and everything and instead of working hard to fix yourself and make things right, you work twice as hard to find every possible way around the rules.

I have not become immune to your fuck ups. I still find myself falling for all the things you have done right and my heart fills with joy and my hopes get inflated and in the end, everything comes crashing down around us all. Everyone in the situation suffers. Your children are once again devastated, Grandma and Grandpa’s future plans have to remain on hold indefinitely, Ted and I watch a young woman’s faith in the world shred into tiny pieces. Meanwhile, you get more tattoos, create a whole new home with brand new furniture, game systems, televisions… Everyone else is suffering financially and the kids don’t have parents and you’ve ruined Andrea’s entire senior year, the kids hate almost everything and everyone, everyone’s life is at a standstill and the list goes on and on. You, however get to go to bars, parties, reunions, and you get to play with the kids when it suits you. You complain when the state talks about making you pay child support, even after you collected Scott’s money and food stamps meant for a family of 5 for three months after the kids were taken. You’re having the time of your life living for yourself and not seeming to give a shit about your kids or the people who are taking care of them. You complain about having to do any of the things that any parent does on a daily basis and then bitch that you don’t have your full parental rights. You are so selfish.

And I am devastated by the fact that you can’t seem to stay sober. I am sick of hearing about how you have to do this for yourself and you can’t do it for anyone else, including your kids. I am sick of hearing how AA is such a help to you when one of their regularly used phrases is “I am powerless over my addiction.” You are NOT powerless. You have the choice to NOT buy booze. You have the choice NOT to put a drink to your lips and you HAVE the CHOICE to take responsibility for the fact that you care more about having fun and doing what you want than making your kids happy. And I am even more sick of hearing about how you’re sick. That this is a disease. Alcoholism is a CHOICE. Alcoholism is a road that you choose to take, and even though there are several streets that can and will take you off this road, you choose to continue on. You’re not sick, you’re weak, you’re cowardly and you’re selfish.

You blame your set backs on so many things, but lately, it seems that you are blaming the failure of your marriage the most. That is funny, because you have already moved on to the next man who will support you and enable you. You have hidden this fact from everyone except a few people. How can you expect me, Andrea, or anyone else for that fact to believe that you are so upset over the break up of your marriage that you can’t help but drink, when you’re already head over heels in love and planning your next wedding on the beach with flowers in your hair. You’ve told me for quite some time that you’re sick of Michael. More recently, at the TDM, you said that you drank because you feeling overwhelmed by the fact that you’re almost done with school, you’re about to start an internship that will most likely lead to a full time job, you’re about to get the kids back… Really? What happens when they come home and you’re under ten feet of stress? What then? What makes you think that if you’re drinking over the possibilities of all the good things, you won’t race to the bottom of the bottle when things go wrong?

I am beginning to think that you like having things the way they are. You get weekend visits with your kids if you want, you don’t have to pay to support them, and you get to do whatever the hell you want the rest of the time.

I am done. I am finished feeling guilty for making the call that took your kids from you, because I know that they weren’t safe with you. I honestly wish that I had done it a lot earlier. When you gave Andrea a black eye, for instance. RIGHT THEN I should have made the call rather than waiting for Adrienne to take me to the school and then calling CPS with me. I am done trying to regain our friendship because honestly, how can I be friends with someone who can treat her kids like they’re not worth anything to her, and a person who I can’t trust and a person who can lie to my face? My only connection to you now is through your children. I love your kids and care about their welfare. I don’t try to sabotage their lives like I have witnessed you do. Like I have witnessed you allow Michael to do. I have given up a lot to make sure that Andrea has as much as I can give her and you know what? I think that even though I can’t give her her own room or make sure she has her privacy, I make sure she has almost everything she needs and I try to give her some of what she wants. The one thing I can’t give her that she needs is a real mother. You have proven that you’re not a mother. You’re a drunk. I hope, even if I don’t believe, that you’ll get sober. I hope that you find whatever it is you need to find peace without a drink. I hope that you can somehow regain the trust from your children. More so, I hope that they will not become jaded and will be able to trust people. That they will know true love when it is given to them. I hope that they don’t always wait for the other shoe to drop. If they turn out to be normal, healthy adults, I will be surprised, and I will not give you any credit for it. You are on your own now. You have your friends who enable you, but what good will they be for you in the long run?

I don’t want anything to do with you now. I hope you’re happy with the fact that you missed your daughter’s first and last day of her senior year, her first and last homecoming, her first and last prom, her graduation from high school, her 18th birthday and soon, you’ll miss her graduation party, first day of college and seeing her move into her first apartment. Is the bottle really worth all that?

Ted and I have stood in as her parents for a year now. This has been a tumultuous year for the kids. Ted and I shouldn’t have been the ones standing with the parents at graduation to receive the praise of the graduates and the staff of the school. And as much as I loved being able to stand there for her, I also felt the biggest feeling of guilt. Not the guilt that you think I should have, but the guilt that I hadn’t done something about your drinking sooner. Maybe if I had, you would have been sober and able to stand there at Andrea’s graduation yourself. Where you should have been. Instead, I am positive that you sat at home, blaming everyone but yourself for the fact that you were not welcome to see Andrea’s most important accomplishment to date. You chose the bottle, you chose self satisfaction, you chose self pity, you chose hatred, you chose deceit and most importantly, you chose YOU.

Do you have any clue to what this year has been like for Andrea? You have ruined just about every beautiful moment this year could have held for her. She wasn’t there to see the kid’s first day of school this year. She didn’t have the chance to talk to them afterwards to find out how it went for them and on top of it, you call me, wasted out of your mind and pretend to be okay, you pretend to be genuinely curious about her first day; She didn’t didn’t get to go with them on Halloween, steal their candy or give them some of her own; She missed Thanksgiving with them, even though she got an “after Thanksgiving” with them, it just wasn’t the same. Putting up the Christmas tree, for the first time without them, damn near crippled her emotionally. I watched her spiral into a depression that no amount of Christmas music, love or happiness could heal. I watched her as she sat, depressed, wishing with all of her soul that she could be with the family that you so selfishly tore apart. Christmas was once again without them and it was near impossible to try to convince her that things were going to be okay; When Andrea got her Gold Key for her photo portfolio and had it go to Nationals, where was the huge fanfare? She had me and Ted and everything else was afar. She needed her siblings to help her celebrate; She rang in the New Year without the kids. Once again another first that she wasn’t expecting so soon; Valentines day felt like a slap in the face; You ruin her LAST day of high school by being wasted, and when we tried to help you, you lied to her on the phone and to me, straight to my face. I am convinced you only told on yourself that time because it got you out of trouble the previous relapse; On her graduation day, you contact her by text, though she expressly and in front of everyone at the TDM said that she did NOT want you to contact her. You then gave her your famous fucking attitude after she let you know, AGAIN, that she didn’t want you to contact her. But the part of this year that I got to witness the most ruin of was her 18th birthday. You twisted my words and made me the bad guy and didn’t come to greet Andrea when she got off the bus to Chicago. You know damn well that when I called off the dinner for the 18th, I was NOT calling off the welcome home. I specifically said that “Dinner was off.” When you called me on the way to the busses, pissed off and with a shit ton of attitude, I was appalled and shocked. You didn’t come because you were already in your pajamas, yet the next day, you talk about how you were at a party or bonfire shortly before. You could have changed and driven the few miles to the school to be there for your oldest daughter. How many more moments in at least Andrea’s life are you willing to ruin? Sadly, you’re doing it to the littles as well, but they don’t talk about it as much. Instead, they hold everything inside, get bitter, angry and hurt. Alice spent an entire school year leaving class, most of the time on several occasions per day, to get hugs from perfect strangers. Matthew has become more and more aggressive both verbally and mentally. You have continually raised their hopes, knowing what the truth is, and then when your promises were left unfulfilled, you let Grandma and Grandpa be the bad guys and tell them what we all had known before but what you were too much of a coward to admit to them; You still weren’t fit to take them home. And every time that happened, it was someone else’s fault. Like it always is. You continue to leave behind you, a wake of broken hopes, shattered dreams, horrifying nightmares, dying faith and a warped sense of trust.

You’re also missing another pivotal moment in Andrea’s life. She has met someone that I think she’s really beginning to fall for. She’s in a really happy and healthy relationship and now everyone in the family has met her except you, Scott and Michael. She’s moving into a whole new stage of her life and she’s transitioning very well despite the road blocks you keep throwing in her path. Every time she moves ahead, you do something to step in her way.

Look, I know that you have a lot of demons that you need to face. Fuck, we all do. But you’re taking your sweet time dealing and in the mean time, you’re missing the kids’ lives and they’re missing out on a regular life of their own. Get on with it already or just let go. If you can’t make your own life work, quit fighting to get the kids back. Let them be adopted so they can stop waking each and every day wondering what the hell is going to happen today. So they can adjust to a way of life and know that it will be consistent and safe. You can’t have it both ways if you want them to come out healthy. What are you teaching them with all of this inconsistency and drinking and failing and not taking responsibility for your own mistakes? You’re creating people who may not function properly in the world as adults. You also have to stop letting everyone else be the bad guys. You need to step up and tell the kids that it’s YOUR fault they’re not home. Not mine or Andrea’s or the court’s or even your “sickness”. YOU need to tell them that you are an alcoholic and YOU choose to drink repeatedly. YOU choose to put YOU before them, because Amy, that’s exactly what you do and have been doing for a long time. You constantly let everyone else do your dirty work so that the kids continue to love and adore you. All you’re doing is setting them up for a huge let down.

I may not have kids of my own. Believe me, you have and will NEVER let me forget that. I know that you think I have no clue how to raise a child, especially one of yours. And I know that you think that I have done everything in my power to steal your children from you, but I would give anything for them to have a mother who they can look up to and be able to trust with every bit of their being. And I think I know quite a bit about raising kids, especially yours. I think that for the most part I am someone they can look up to a little and definitely trust. I think that they all know that they’re needs will ALWAYS go before my own. I would give ANYTHING for your children. I would give my life to save them both mentally and physically. I wish I could take away the hurt of the past several years, but especially the last one. I wish I could have given them the childhood that they deserved rather than the one filled with booze, possibly coke back in the trailer, fighting, car accidents, jail, being hit in the face by her mother and years of living with a stepfather who always and in almost every aspect came before the kids. Don’t get me started on Michael.

I have no clue why you married Michael. It’s pretty obvious that you don’t and haven’t loved him in a long time, if ever. You have stayed with him through so many things that would make any real, loving mother get up and run. You allowed him to stay after he stole thousands of dollars from you, blamed Anthony for stealing from you, and you allowed your family to live without heat and hot water for quite a while so that he could have everything on his truck that he not only needed, but wanted. I can’t count the number of times he would fill his truck with all the best name brand snacks and food and then when he’d leave, there was almost nothing left in the house for the five people left. He pawned your wedding ring for money to have fun instead of paying bills. YOU CHOSE to marry him still, knowing that all he was was a child who wanted nothing but a ready made family so he could either cover the fact that he’s bisexual from his family or just because he was too lazy to start one on his own. And because you are too scared to be by yourself, you latched on to the first man who you knew had little enough backbone to keep you in check despite what he would and had taken from the family. Michael is a liar and a manipulator and an enabler of the very worst kind and you have repeatedly put him before your kids. The sad thing is that now that you’re ready to get rid of him, it’s not for the health, safety and welfare of you or the kids, it’s because once again, you have found someone to replace him.

Speaking of Tony… Really? For twenty years (or so) you have hidden his true existence from the kids. Then, like a flash flood, you tell them of this life you had with him, and how you gave birth, not alone like you’ve been telling me and the kids for almost 2 decades, but with your fiancee and his family. You have let the kids believe what Scott told them, even though Scott’s been gone for over 6 years now. You allowed Anthony to be lied to about how he got his name and you wonder why the bigs have a hard time believing what you have to say. Tony may be a nice guy, but I am having a hard time believing that he’s THAT ready for a divorce. He sounds pretty happy on line. Are you really willing to break up a family so you can have the security that you need from being with another man to support and enable you? You seem ready to pick up and run away with him and the littles don’t even know he exists yet. You’re going to get them home, life will just begin to settle down and become normal again and then out Michael will go, in Tony will come and then they will be in turmoil again trying to figure out what the hell is happening in their lives again. Why are you always so willing to give up their emotional well being for your own needs?

I will no longer keep the hope of your sobriety in the forefront of my head or heart. I will always secretly wish for it, but not for you… For your kids. Man up, get your shit together and be a real mom to the only two kids you have left who respect and trust you. You’ll regret not doing it if you don’t do it soon.

I miss my friend and I know that I will never have her back. I miss the woman whose love for her children used to show on her face, in her eyes. I miss the woman who treated me with mutual respect instead of like a lesser person and more recently, an enemy. I am sick of hearing you talk to me about what you’ve lost and how I am the one who took it all from you. I am so sick of you telling me that our conversations, the ones that revolve around the daughter who has been raising herself for the past several years, shouldn’t be spoken about to the “child” they’re about. Doesn’t she have the right to know what her mother is saying about her? I am sick of being told that my relationship with your kids has been inappropriate because they have chosen to confide in me rather than their drunk or high most of the time mother. I feel like you have been competing in this battle for your daughter and the funny thing is that it was never a competition to me. She’s your daughter, I’m her aunt. I have been repeatedly baffled by the fact that you have tried to make me choose between our friendship and the friendship with your kids, when what I was giving them was more than a “friendship”, but a place to unload the issues that they could no longer bring to you. I miss you, and I know I’ll never have you back. That absolutely kills me and I have to wonder if you feel the same. The sad thing is that weather you do or don’t doesn’t even matter. That person is gone, amends can not and will not ever be made. I will stand by the choices I made for the rest of my life. Will you?

I also want to reiterate that Andrea has now made it abundantly clear to both you and Scott. You are not welcome to contact her until either she contacts you first or you are sober. I don’t mean sober for now, I mean sober for life. Andrea’s life is a fresh one now. She’s starting over. Lucky for her, this is a regular time for a huge life change. When she’s ready for you, if you haven’t gotten sober yet, she will come to you. She’ll take her court ordered visitations, which I find funny that you’re upset about, and she’ll deal with you when and how she needs to. Your display of selfishness on the afternoon of her graduation day was not only ignorant, but sad. She knows that you’re thinking about her. You didn’t need to push yourself on her and then get an attitude when her response to you wasn’t full of glee. This day was NOT about you or how you are feeling or what you felt you needed to say. This day was about her, her wants, her wishes and you couldn’t even respect her that much. Regardless of what you may think, she’s doing very well without your bullshit and drama. You have no right to be angry or upset with her for her reactions. They are justified and you know it. If you disagree, then it just goes to show how far you still need to go before you will “recover” from your issues. It isn’t until you can completely, one hundred percent, take all responsibility of your wrongdoings before you’ll realize that most of the shit in your life is YOUR fault and no one else’s.

The safety plan is a joke! You have been allowed to drink without major consequences. You lost 45 days with the kids coming home. You didn’t lose your visitation with the kids, though you should have lost some of it considering that you’ve now drank twice when they were either home or on their way home. You’ve learned how to make your “relapses” seem like they’re okay so long as you tell on yourself once you have gotten caught. I truly believe that there have been more ”relapses”, I just think that you haven’t gotten caught until now.

It’s time for a major change on everyone’s part. We’re not backing down any more. We’re not keeping quiet any more and we’re never going to quit fighting for the rights of the children whose rights you have stolen. The tides are changing and if you’re still unwilling to do what needs to be done, we’re waiting to step up and do what we need to do to ensure that the kids will have what’s rightfully theirs; Love, health, safety, consistency, faith, trust and a life full of happiness.

Aimée

The inevitable next step

So, Andrea has just graduated high school… I am overjoyed and miserable all at the same time. I am so proud of her for achieving so many things that most other people would have given up on considering what she’s gone through. She has come through so much fire, so many washed out paths and coming to bridges that others burned before her. She has succeeded despite all of the people who have tried their hardest to keep her from succeeding because they knew that they wouldn’t be there to get their cut of the recognition.

Then again, she HAS succeeded without them… They missed out on their daughter’s most amazing moment of her school career… They missed out on the most important year of her life this far. They made choices that concerned her , for her and without her consent, sending her, and the kids’ lives spinning out of control. The only control they have over Andrea and the kids now is by fucking up their own lives so much that it can’t help but fuck up all the lives around theirs.

When the parents were asked to stand, Barb told us to stand. And I did stand there proudly but also very solemnly because I knew that  I was only Amy’s stand in… I was not really her mother and I never will be. It’s seriously time to drive that through my fucking head. I need to stop living in this fantasy land where Ted and I have four of the most beautiful kids imaginable. The truth is that we have none. We just fill in when we’re needed. We’re temporary fillings… Then, I began to feel really guilty about standing up at all. That wasn’t my place. Who the hell did I think I was trying to fill those shoes, take up that specific piece of the puzzle. Amy should have been there. I know that despite all of the shit Amy has done, that she had been waiting for this moment for as long as, if not longer than me. No. Let’s be real… She has been waiting for this moment longer than me. Andrea is hers. She gave birth to this beautiful person that I get to hold on to for a while.

Soon, Bee will be moving out. That is the inevitable next step. That is the step I am the most afraid of. That is the step that will really tell me if I did a good job as Andrea’s guardian, Aunt, and friend… I’d love to add mother, but Andrea doesn’t need another one of those breathing down her neck. I will never be her mother, no matter how bad I wish I were. She will never consider me her mother, no matter how much I wish she would, because the fact remains; I’m not her mom. I never will be. That will be the moment when I see if she even really needs me. I need her to need me. I am not ready to let her go yet. I want to know that I am as important to her life as she obviously is to mine. She’s become my everything. She’s ingrained in my soul. Her pains hurt me, her sadnesses weaken my heart, when she’s devastated, I can’t help but cry for and with her. When there are joyous occasions, I feel my heart bursting with joy for her. When she falls in love, I feel her anticipation in seeing her special someone. Today, when I got to introduce Aimee to different, very important relatives, I felt like I was going to melt and I felt the joy of Andrea and Aimee. How can this not be what a mother feels?

Andrea will be gone soon, and I fear that she’ll be gone for good. That’s she’s had so much of us that she’ll need a sabbatical  completely without us in her lives. I feel like I won’t know what is going on in her life. I won’t be a part of her joys and all the shit she might go through. What if I completely miss big things in her life? Will she even want mt there after she leaves?

You had me at “Hello”

So… Yea… Andrea and I have the same taste in women… Wow… I didn’t see that one coming. I mean our taste in men is so completely different. I figured that for the most part, our taste in women would differ greatly as well… Now, don’t get me wrong. I am truly in complete love with my husband. He is the only person in the world that I could ever be with, but She is absolutely amazing. She is beautiful. Not just beautiful, but hot. I mean, Shane from “The L Word” hot. She’s smart and talented and funny. She’s super sweet and immensely sexy. She’s got a great body and an even greater mind. She and Andrea were cut from the same cloth. I see that now. I can’t fault Andrea for falling in love with Aimee so fast, after all, It hasn’t been long and I have a HUGE girl crush on her. I would never act on it though… Like I said previously… I can think though, right?

She’s really upbeat most of the time despite the fact that she’s so sick. Andrea will take great care of her… If Aimee allows it. I had “The Talk” with Aimee and she knows that I will destroy her if she hurts Andrea in any way that she has control over. I mean, she’s sick… If she gets sicker and Andrea gets hurt, I’ll let it go… You know what I mean. Aimee is exactly what I searched for when I was younger. I sometimes really miss being with a girl. That’s the sucky thing about being bisexual. Men and women give such different things. Men CAN’T give certain things and women CAN’T give certain things (And I’m not just talking sex) and I need them both. Ted is my forever. I need to learn to live without those things. I can live without those things. I will live without those things. If I ever lose Ted, which I hope to God I never do, and I have to go on without him. I will be with a woman again. Neve r again will I be with a man, because I have the best one out there. He’s ruined me for all other men.

But really… Aimee’s amazing.

Someone to Love

Andrea met a girl; Aimee. Aimee is amazing. She’s everything I want for Andrea in a significant other. Andrea is happier than I have seen her in a long time. She deserves that. Aimee is wicked smart, exceptionally beautiful and incredibly real. She’s also uber sick. When Andrea first told me about that, it scared me. Andrea doesn’t need another loss in her life. Then I thought about it. What’s life without love. Yes, there is a possibility that if the doctors don’t figure out what exactly is wrong with Aimee, something bad might happen. I don’t know too much about what she’s going through, but I saw the pain on her face the other day and it terrifies and saddens me greatly. My heart breaks for her and now Andrea. Because now, Andrea will feel that pain with Aimee.

It feels like Aimee was made to be part of our family. She went through two FULL days with us and didn’t run away screaming. She’s open and honest and loves the same things we all do. There are now 3 photographers in the fold. I can’t wait to take pictures of her and Andrea. You know what’s really strange? Aimee is perfect for Andrea and the reason that’s funny is because now I know that Andrea and I have the EXACT same taste in women. Aimee looks like Shane from ‘The L Word’ but is soft. At first, she comes off kind of tough, but once she opens up, you can see the softness in her. She doesn’t seem to enjoy the fact that she’s the “butch,” though I think it suits her. She’s a very feminine butch. Just like Andrea. They are both just enough of each the butch and the feminine to make them work. I think it’s adorable.

Andrea is so happy. The other day, I watched them as they lounged on the couch. The didn’t say a single word, but stared at one another for the longest time. I love that they talk for hours while they cuddle. Aimee is so much better for Andrea than anyone she’s previously dated. Especially the last one who I still want to do great bodily harm to. I hope things continue to go well for them both. And damn it, Aimee better get used to being babied. It’s what I do best.

My day in list form 1/17/2010

• Woke up at about 9 am
• hung out with Bee in the living room
• played on the computer
• cleaned up my room
• painted my alter a bit more
• Dom came over for a bit (How strange was that?)
• Dan came over to visit for a few hours
• made fried cheese sticks
• watched 3 episodes of Daria with Bee
• started feeling like crap
• took a nap
• woke up feeling really awful
• researched Grey Gardens
• researched “The Criterion Collection”
• thought about some lists I really need to make
• decided to write this one.

My Thing

I do my thing, and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations And you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, if by chance we find each other, it’s beautiful. If not, it can’t be helped. Fritz Perls If I do my thing and you do your thing And if we don’t live up to each other’s expectations We might live but the world will not survive. You are you, and I am I, and together, joining hands, not by chance, We will find each other beautiful. If not, we can’t be helped. Claude Steiner

RIP Telemachus Rex

You were a spaz and SO annoying. You’d eat Alice’s panties and barf them up whole. You barked like a maniac at any squirrel who dared put it’s tail on your lawn or any mailman who was too rude to greet you. You humped Rachel at any chance you got and ruined Andrea’s fifteenth birthday by breaking your leg. You were a great cuddler, lover and took treats so nicely. You’ll be missed sweet Telemachus. The windows won’t shine as bright now that your pouty lips and face no longer adorn them.

I’ve come to realize…

1. I’ve come to realize that my chest-size. . . Isn’t the gift I thought it would be when I was young and they were admired more. If I would have known that they would cause back aches, ill fitting shirts, and be the cause of knocking things off shelves and people off of chairs, I would have tried to do something earlier to make them go away.

2. I’ve come to realize that my job. . . is non existant. And the “jobs” I do have that don’t pay  SHOULD pay.

3. I’ve come to realize that when I’m driving. . . I am more comfortable and at peace with myself. That I can be anyone I want in my little metal and plastic bubble.

4. I’ve come to realize that I need. . . to be content with me. That doesn’t mean that I have to be comfortable in the bad and not make changes, but that I shouldn’t hate myself so much and so often.

5. I’ve come that realize that I have lost. . . my way… I had so many plans for my life and I have only gotten very little done. I guess I should forget the old and create new plans, but it’s hard to do.

6. I’ve come to realize that I hate it when. . . people just assume I am at their beck and call… I seem to be the go to person who never has people let her go to them.

7. I’ve come to realize that if I’m drunk. . . I WILL wake up with a hangover!

8. I’ve come to realize that money… though nice is NOT important.

9. I’ve come to realize that certain people. . . will never learn.

10. I’ve come to realize that I’ll always. . . be fat. No matter how hard I have tried, I have been unable to lose enough weight.

11. I’ve come to realize that my sibling(s). . . hasn’t changed much from when we were kids.

12. I’ve come to realize that my mom… is my best friend, my biggest supporter, a great critic and an amazing woman.

13. I’ve come to realize that my cell phone. . . is an electronic leash and I need to learn how to let it go to voicemail more often.

14. I’ve come to realize that when I woke up this morning. . . that I have too much time on my hands, yet I don’t seem to have the time to do what I need to do.

15. I’ve come to realize that last night before I went to sleep. . . that I depend too much on sleeping pills.

16. I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking. . . about how the hell I can make a dependable liquid dish soap.

17. I’ve come to realize that my dad. . . is a lot more sensitive now than he was when I was a kid.

18. I’ve come to realize that when I get on Facebook. . . that I have much better things to do.

19. I’ve come to realize that today. . . is just another day.

20. I’ve come to realize that tonight. . . is Thursday night.

21. I’ve come to realize that tomorrow. . . Jerry will be staying the night and I am dreading it majorly.

22. I’ve come to realize that I really want to. . . be a photographer.

23. I’ve come to realize that the person mostly likely to repost this is. . . not important to me.

24. I’ve come to realize that life. . . should not be taken so seriously.

25. I’ve come to realize that this weekend. . . is going to be miserable.

26. I’ve realized the best music to listen to when I am upset. . . is classical.

27. I’ve come to realize that my friends. . . are the best. They are dependable and mean the world to me.

28. I’ve come to realize that this year. . . is going by REALLY fast.

29. I’ve come to realize that my exes. . . are out of my life.

30. I’ve come to realize that maybe I should. . . get off the damn computer and clean my house.

31. I’ve come to realize that I love. . . myself more than I care to admit.

32. I’ve come to realize that I don’t understand. . . anything fully.

33. I’ve come to realize my past. . . is in the past and I have to stop dwelling on it.

34. I’ve come to realize that parties. . . are not as fun as they used to be.

35. I’ve come to realize that I’m totally terrified. . . of being in pain when I get older.

I’ve come to realize that my life. . . is worth living.

I MIss Him

This is Ratsputan. I miss him. He passed away a few years ago. He was the sweetest animal, ever and I used to let him ride on my shoulders. I talked to him a lot. I want another rat! We’ll see. Ted probably won’t let me have another.

Holi, The Hindu Celebration of Colour

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Holi

God Krishna playing Holi with Radha and other Gopis
Also called Festival of colours
Observed by Indians (mainly Hindus, Sikhs,Muslims, Buddhists and Jains), almost all Nepalese (mainly Hindus and a fair amount of Buddhists)
Begins Phalgun Purnima or Pooranmashi (Full Moon)
Date March
2009 date March 11
Celebrations 3 – 16 days

Holi, also called the Festival of Colors, is a popular Hindu spring festival observed in India, Pakistan, Nepal, Bangladesh, and countries with large Hindu diaspora populations, such as Suriname, Guyana, South Africa, Trinidad, the UK, Mauritius, and Fiji. In West Bengal of India and Bangladesh it is known as Dolyatra (Doul Jatra) or Basanta-Utsab (“spring festival”). The most celebrated Holi is that of the Braj region, placed connected to Krishna – Mathura, Vrindavan, Nandagaon and Barsana, places which have become tourist destinations during the festive season of Holi, which lasts here to up to sixteen days [1].

The main day, Holi, also known as Dhulheti, Dhulandi or Dhulendi, is celebrated by people throwing colored powder and colored water at each other. Bonfires are lit the day before, also known as Holika Dahan (death of Holika) or Chhoti Holi (little Holi). The bonfires are lit in memory of the miraculous escape that young Prahlad had when Demoness Holika, sister of Hiranyakashipu, carried him into the fire. Holika was burnt but Prahlad, a staunch devotee of god Vishnu, escaped without any injuries due to his unshakable devotion. Holika Dahan is referred to as Kama Dahanam in Andhra Pradesh.

Holi is celebrated at the end of the winter season on the last full moon day of the lunar month Phalguna (February/March), (Phalgun Purnima), which usually falls in the later part of February or March. In 2009, Holi (Dhulandi) was on March 11 and Holika Dahan was on March 10.

I discovered Holi yesterday and have decided that I love the idea of it. I love faiths of all kinds and have tried to incorporate different traditions from different cultures in my life. So, when I discovered Holi, not only was I in love with the story and the celebration, but I loved how beautiful it looks hnd how well it would look in photos. My friends and I have decided to have a Holi type celebration. Sadly, it will be far too cold to do it during the traditional time, so we’re going to either do it in Septermber (the exact opposite day from the actual Holi day) or next year in late May early July. It depends on the fundage. The only requirement is to wear a plain white shirt. I think the colors will look even better when they’re on material. I am going to do my best to acquire a sari (finally) since I have been trying to do so for YEARS!

The following pictures I got from Photobucket. I did not take any of them myself.

Things I do / do not want for my Handfasting

WANT
Off white cotton/linen shift
A gold cord
Bonfire
Beach
Sunflowers and other Autumn colored flowers EVERYWHERE
Flower Garlands for all females, a huge one for me
Flower lei type things for all males
Ivy
Pagan Clergy
A home made, symbolic feast
Cherry Almond Cake
Wine, Juice, Punch and many mixed drinks
Many Vegetarian/Vegan dishes as well as meat dishes
Certain friends and family
Mom, Dad, Christy, Richard and Autumn (If they want to)
Granny & Gramps
Great One
Uncle Chris
Aunt Gwen, Jason, Nicole, Jeremy, Cindy
Aunt Colette and Charlie
Lisa S & Matt J
Dick & Noah Hufford
Amy, Michael, Andrea, Matthew, Alice
Anthony and Rachel
Jim and Barb
Care, Bobby, Billy
Trish & Jim Mian
Chuck Kohler
Kirk & Nancy
Carol and Gary
Jerry & Paula
Jenny, Steve, Justin, Emily & Nick, Brian & Val, Kait & Justin, Jessica & Scott, Michelle, Gabby, Cassie, David Lloyd, Corinne & Nik, Arielle, Annick and Michael, Tanja and Alex, Chrissy?, Megan & Sean, Cristin & Dave, Maria and Sheryl, Shawn, Rick M, Jessie Orr & John, Jessie Wheeler & John, Holly & Jim, Jenny Ohmann, Ed, Brit and Amber Orr, Wendi & Cheyenne, Kellie & Chris, Laura W, Lindsay & Jason
Tigger & Diane
Paul & Carrie Hinderliter
Mark & Sheri
Harry T & Kaitlin
George & Joanne S
The list will grow
A video of the whole day, from when I wake until the celebration ends.
All guests to participate
Jenny and maybe Shawn or Brian to officiate

DO NOT WANT
Shoes

A lot of jewelry

Walls

Modern music

A traditional ceremony

Traditional vows

Traditional anything

Catering

Gifts

Limo

Anyone from the Easton side of the family besides dad

ROSES

Makeup unless it’s light, simple and barely noticable

Trash
Recycle EVERYTHING
Composting

Soda or anything else that’s THAT unhealthy

Things I have never done

Broken a bone
Been a bridesmaid. I almost was for my SIL wedding, but I then decided to protest and stepped out.
Been arrested
Been on a road trip alone
Been asked for my number by someone I just met
Seen the movie “The Godfather”
Been in a limo
Taken any public transportation other than a school bus
Been on a train
Hailed a taxi
Been to a costume party. I tend to avoid them,
Participated in a large protest or demonstraition
Gone skinny dipping. For obvious reasons.
Stolen a street sign
Streaked. Again for obvious reasons.
Spent more than $100 on any piece of clothing
Changed a flat tire
Gotten straight A’s

Traits Inherited from my Parents

Father
Inpatience
Moody
The need for instant gratification
The love to drive
The love of nature and animals
Loyalty
Prone to *********
Must ALWAYS be right
Goofy
The love of measuring and calculating
The love of salt
Cooking
The need to be outside
Stubbornness
My driving skills

Mother
Doesn’t like beer
Loves to read
Can’t sing
Love of Cat Stevens, Don McLean, Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young and Simon & Garfunkle
Love of horror movies
Prone to *********
The love of coloring
Forgetfulness
Goes off wildly
The love of being w/ friends
The love of music

Things That Went Wrong For My Wedding

- Constant fighting w/ my MIL (This is FAR before we liked eachother) Because of a fight w/ her, Ted ended up having to knock his dad out from coming after me with a closed fist because he didn’t like me talking back to his wife.

- MIL and GMIL made sure to tell the priest that I was Pagan so that the wedding wouldn’t be a Sacrament for Ted.

- Because my in-laws were paying for a part of the wedding, my MIL refused to let me choose a LOT of my own wedding.

Bridesmaids dresses were hideous. Maroon and shapeless
Maroon dresses, red roses
Sterling Lavender Roses in bouquet, Red roses for bridesmaids

- A week before invites were to go out, the apartment flooded and they were ruined.

- Because of all of the fighting with my MIL and her constant threats to “pull funding”, Ted and I cancelled the cake, the reception hall / catering and the videographer (everything she was paying for) and uninvited 150 guests two weeks before the wedding.

- Wedding coordinator sold MY dress and replaced it with a dress that someone hand made that was 18 inches too short before I put on shoes. She did this between my last fitting and the wedding. I found out 4 days before the wedding and couldn’t afford to buy a new one. She tried to convince me that this WAS my dress.

- Two words. Ruffles and Bows.

- Wedding coordinator lost my shoes, crinoline and nylons on the morning of my wedding. I had to wear white slippers, white tights and a hoopskirt that made my dress a good 2.5 feet too short. Fat girls should NEVER wear hoopskirts!

- In trying to convince me that my antique gold necklace that my grandmother gave me that she and my great-grandmother wore on their wedding day didn’t go with my dress, she lost it. I am devestated to this day that I don’t have it.

- Three words. WORST . HAIRDO. EVER. Done by the coordinator who was also my MIL’s hairstylist. It took 2 hours and three bottles of conditioner to get all of the ratting out of my hair.

- Coordinator made me dress at her house and ride in the front seat of a tiny car in a hoopskirt that was over my head from New Baltimore to Royal Oak.

- Went to pick up one of my best friends for the wedding and he was still asleep and didn’t hear us pounding on the door so he missed the wedding.

- Because of the last 2, I was 20 minutes late for my own wedding ceremony and Ted thought I stood him up at the altar.

- My granny and gramps were too sick to travel that far for the wedding. We decided to have our honeymoon there so we could show them the video and make them a part of the wedding anyway.

- MIL wore black to the wedding and wouldn’t stand for the Blessing.

- Back of the church roof caved in during the ceremony. Too many Pagans in a Catholic Church I guess.

- My aunt, who was taking over for the videographer we cancelled, only taped five minutes of the ceremony. She stopped right before my daddy gave me away. At the end she filmed her daughter and grand-daughter for 6 minutes.

- The church didn’t tape the wedding like it was supposed to. I got screwed on seeing my wedding or taking it to my grandparents for them to see.

- My “wedding dress” fell apart at the reception. The sewing was so shoddy that the train, once bustled, was too heavy for the stiching at the waist and the seams broke.Thank God I had other clothes with me.

- My dress got mud on it from the rain and snow.

- Ted got sick at the recetion and we had to leave early from our own reception.

- No sex on my wedding night.

- People kept showing up at our house that night.

If I had Children…

I will give them cool, original earthy names. Hopefully they will not get teased.
I will encourage them to get dirty.
I will encourage imagination and creativity.
I will let them choose how they want to decorate their room.
I will let them choose their own clothes, no matter how young and no matter what color or pattern combination they choose.
I will teach them that books are their friends.
I will teach them the importance of honesty, but also, the gracefulness of tact. Too many parents forget that part.
I will show them and well as tell them that I love them. The words are not as important as the deeds.
I will expose them to culture at every given chance.
I will teach my children traditions of our heritage. If adopted, I will teach them ours and also learn theirs.
I will read to them nightly from BIG books, not just baby books. I will continue doing so long after they have learned to read for themselves.
I will ask them to read to me as well.
I will listen and hear and not be so quick to respond.
I will try not to protect them from ALL bad experiences. After all, how else will a person grow to be strong unless they deal with some hardships?
I will make NO subject taboo.
I will talk to them freely and without prejudice.
I will talk to them about ANYTHING, no matter how painful.
I will act silly with them.
I will play with them all the time. I wish my mom had played house with Christy and me.
I will teach them that beauty comes is all shapes, sizes colors and nationalities and that ugly is not a description for someone’s physical person.
I will encourage active participation in hobbies.
I will encourage them to try things that they’ve never tried before.
I will Encourage them to be artistic.
I will never, ever, fight in front of them.
I will rarely feed them anything canned, packaged and NEVER from a drive-thru.
I will talk to them and try my hardest never to yell.
I will NOT allow them to sleep with me on a regular basis. Nap time occasionally or for the once in a while nightmare (not every nightmare though) is okay.
I will cuddle them every day.
I will NOT spoil them.
I will teach them the value of a dollar, but not make them “earn” an allowance doing chores that they should do with being paid to do so.
I will take pictures of them constantly.
I will make sure that there are always pets in the house. It teaches responsibility and about death at the worst moments.
I will not allow Barbies, Brats or any other toy that I deem demeaning to any person or ideal.
I will do crafts with them.
I will home school, but make sure that they are a part of many outside activities to maintain their social health.
I will cook with them.
I will teach them the importance of good nutrition and healthy cooking.
I will travel with them no matter how short the trip is.
I will not allow my children to have their own cell phone, pager, computer, or laptop until they are 17 or going to college. Whichever comes first. Then, when they do, they will have to pay the bills themselves.
I will built forts, pitch tents and if possible, build a tree house with them.
I will buy toys that run on imagination instead of electricity.
I will not allow my children to be raised by the television. TV will be for special occasions only.
I will make my children spend as much time outdoors as possible. I will be with them as much as possible.
I will not choose my children’s religion. I will teach them Ted’s beliefs and my beliefs, but I will not baptize or choose that religion for them.

Things I love / Hate about my apartment

Love

It’s the perfect size (in total)
It’s close enough to the city to have all of the cool city amenities, yet far enough away (3.5 blocks out of down town) to be quieter and calmer.
You can get to almost anything on foot and if you can’t, then there is a bus line right here that will take you anywhere else.
You can see the fireworks from my yard.
We can have pets.
The city is an art center.
We have an awesome balcony garden.
We have a huge bathroom.
We have a decent sized kitchen.
We have tons of cabinet space.
We have a big yard.
Our landlord is easy to talk to and very understanding.
We don’t have to pay utilities.
We have excellent neighbors. (mostly)
The neighborhood is nice.

Hate

No screens in 4 of the 7 windows.
The porch gets REALLY hot because it’s over a tar roof.
The yard isn’t fenced in, so the dogs need to be on their “chain” or we have to be with them to keep close eye on them.
No washer and dryer. We have to go to a laundry mat and that not only costs a lot of money, but also abuses the earth.
The bedroom is really small.
It also has a strange “box” sticking out from the wall that supports a heater vent. This “box” makes it very difficult to place furniture in the way we want.
The heating vents act as intercom speakers so we can hear:
Our neighbors having sex (And I am POSITIVE they can hear us)
Their horrid collection of Hanson, Back Street Boys, ‘N Sync, etc. CDs
Their arguments that consist of screaming, crying (usually him) and the throwing of what I have to assume are very large objects… or eachother.
His renditions of “The Sign” and other Ace of Base songs.
When he wacks it to Asian Lesbian Porn. How do I know this? Because apparently he can’t hear the TV over his own moaning, so he turns the TV up and I can hear both CRYSTAL CLEAR.
The video games played by the front neighbor.
The vents also serve as a great way to smell your neighbors, bringing into our home the lovely bouquets of:
Burnt toast and popcorn, several times a month.
David’s cologne that gags me nearly every morning. Why he puts it on so heavy is beyond me, plus, Stephanie is supposed to be VERY sensitive to strong smells.
The previous neighbor’s attempt at “indian food” that smelled of old, burning, stinky cheese and fish.
The even more previous neighbor’s garbage that she forgot to take out before her 30 day stint in rehab. Rotten meat isn’t too pleasant even after a week. Try 30 days.
The smoke alarms aren’t actually smoke alarms, they are heat detectors and are all placed within three to five feet of the oven, thus going off every time I cook.
Speaking of heat; We live in an old house that has been split into 3 units and the heat is controlled by the back neighbor. They don’t like to adjust the heat so that all three units are happy. Thus our apartment is either stiefeling or freezing.
Not enough windows and the ones I have are too small.
The outside wooden staircase that climbe to the 2nd floor is falling apart. One of my friends broke a step on his way down.
Not enough ooutside lighting. I mean we ARE close enough to the city for us to need adequite outside lighting.
The house across the street has band practice in the basement from 7pm until 2am on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. It’s loud enough to make the glass in our windows shake.

Baby, you’re just not quite right.

It’s too early to be up, yet here I sit, up before the birds. I have not decided if I feel sick or just out of sorts. I am not sure if the feeling I have in the pit of my tummy is nausea or anxiety or an acidy stomach. All I know is that I am awake when I don’t want to be. This is the first day in the last six days that I have been able to sleep in. I have been helping my friend’s mom clean, pack, clean, move, clean, unpack, clean for the past week, every day, pretty much all day. Tomorrow (well, later today, rather) I have a photo shoot with The Cotton Lillies! It is raining right now, It’s an outdoor shoot. Maybe their cheerful, well coordinated colorful outfits will pop better against a gloomy sky… We’ll see. Thursday is my only day “off” because I have to clean my friend’s mom’s place again. I am now her maid. That’s right folks. Times have officially become SO tough for me that I have resorted to cleaning house for about $8 an hour to help the household. It’s only lie $40 a week, but that pays for my smoking and some groceries.

Ted got a call from his old boss, the guy who layed him off at the end of Novemeber and there is a good chance that he will be going back in two or three weeks. I am so ready to have my space back, Aimée time has been severly neglected as of the past 6 months and though I will miss Ted SOOO much and probably go through some serious anxiety with him being gone after being connected at the hip for half a year, I need my space. My letters have seriously suffered because I can’t write with him around. I love to cuddles him and talk. I think we are the only couple in history to be able to be with one another 24/7 and not get sick of one another.

The squirrels that I have loved and fed for over two years have become the bane of my existance. They are eating and/or destroying everything in my garden. It has now come down to my resorting to red pepper seeds in the sol and red pepper spray on the roof and leavs. I hope they don’t go blind. I know I damn near did making the shit. I hope it works. I will be totally pissed if the stuff hurts my plants. I refuse to resort to pesticides. I will just stop growing a garden if it comes that far.

Tired…. I’m just SO tired.

…of going to Hell, GCOM, chest colds and potty training…

So, On the 20th, Jen, Steve and I went to Hell.

That’s right friends, we went to Hell. (Check out the rest of the pictures on my Myspace.)The original intentions for the trip were to go to the Carnegie Library in Howell to do some research on a haunted property that GCOM is investigating. The archives of the library were amazing. Overwhelming at first, but I got help from this man, Milton Charbanaugh who is 90+ years old and the official Livingston county historian. He made things so much easier to understand. I got so much information. I think I may have been spoiled on this first investigation, because no other place I have been to has that much by way of files and history of the area. Unfortunately, that investigation didn’t happen as the occupants just couldn’t stand being there any longer and they moved. Speaking of GCOM, I am now an official member of the Ghost Chasers of Michigan as their researcher. I am soooo Excited! (See me here. I’m at the bottom. I look awful, but I don’t care. I am in GCOM!) I feel so welcomed into the group and everyone is so nice. I can’t wait to get together with them again. We have monthly meetings and they gather at a bar a few times a month, but with Ted being laid off… still… I just can’t afford to go to the bar. I can barely afford to keep the internet and let me tell you, the internet IS a neccesity to me.

I have Ted’s horrid chest cold. I am SO sick right now. I thought I would be getting better, but nooo… I woke up this morning because my lip had split in the middle of the night and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I am up before the puppy even. Ohhh, the puppy. I love Max. He is the sweetest little thing ever. He loves to cuddle and play. He and Moe seem to be the best of friends,

however he WILL NOT go potty in the litter box. He is too small to go potty outside, so we to have him litter train. It’s not working. I have no ideas left. We have tried so many things. But he is only 10 and a half weeks old. Moe potty trained so easily. Why is it so much harder with Max? Ugh!

I just finished reading “Twilight” by Stephanie Meyer. I didn’t think I would like it, but I was suprised. VERY, VERY surprised. I loved it and I can’t wait to read the next book. I love my YA books, but they never seem to grab me like this one did. I suggest you read them.

Well, I guess this is it for now. Take care!

Aimée

Holy Crap

I have been one busy chick-e… I have been doing a lot of research as of late, both for my family genealogy and for a ghost hunting group called Ghost Chasers of Michigan (GCOM). I am so excited to be part of this group and I feel completely comfortable with them. They’re a very down to earth bunch of people who are not in the business to make a buck, but to prove or disprove someones supernatural dillemas. I am so happy to be helping a great group such as this. Tomorrow, I am off on a roadtrip to do some research on the next house they will be investigating. We also go a new puppy and that has been a handful in and of itself. He is feisty and does NOT want to potty train. He is a handful, but I like him… so far. Ted and I have also been helping my landlord on the two (now unoccupied) apartments in this building. We are cleaning and painting and doing repairs and showing the apartments if my landlord is unable to do so. He will be knocking off some rent for this, and now that Ted’s unemployed (damn economy) we need all of the help that we can get. 

 

Well, that’s the update right now.

Au Revoir

 

Aimée

Today, in list form 01/02/09

• woke up at about 10:30a
• made breakfast
• blogged
• surfed the web
• hung out with the hubby
• talked to Jess
• made lunch
• more surfing
• wrote some letters
• watched tv
• took a nap
• made dinner (which, by the way SUCKED!!! My home made blackbean burgers were horrible. I need to get a really good recipe.)
• went to Rick Charming’s going away party at Trixies and heard the amazing Dick Darling. Hung out with Em and Jen and saw Janet and Laura Lilly, Tone and Niche and a couple of other people. (I ended up smoking a lot last night   ) :    )
• on the way home, stopped to get Ted some ice cream. I felt like I was satisfying the midnight cravings of a pregnant wife.
• came home and watched Nancy Grace
• watched Forensic Files
• went to bed at about 3a

Random stuff found on the internet. (While I should be writing letters)

I found this little list of “Have You”‘s and you know me, I have to answer it… So, instead of writing my so so so late letters to my amazing pan pals, I will do this, then on to writing… 

Progress so far…

Okay, So I have not had a cigarette since before midnight of 1/1/09, thus making me smoke free for 35 hours 50 minutes… Yeah. 

The last time I ate meat was at 4:30 pm on 12/31/08 so I have been meat free for 43 hours and 21 minutes… Yeah…

And because Jenny Ö did it, I think I will do it from time to time too… 

Yesterday

cinnamon raisin bagel with 2 tablespoons of cream cheese (390 calories)

morningstar chick (fake chicken) sandwich with cheese and bbq sauce, a baked potato with margerine and fat free sour cream (928 calories) 

equalling 1318 calories out of 1500…

 

So far today

Blueberry granola with flax seeds cereal and skim milk (450 calories)

I am not craving meat yet. I am sure I will soon, but as of right now, not cravings. I am, however, craving cigarettes badly… Really badly… Ugh!I need to chew on a straw or something. 

Today, in list form 12/22/08

• got up and waited for Ted to come home
• wrote a long ass email
• read a lot
• took a nap
• surfed the web
• Jen came over and ate my home made trifle
• sent some of said trifle downstairs to the neighbors
• went to Meijer
• went to have tea with Em
• came home and read for a while
• watched some tv
• ordered Jenn’s presents (I know, way late)
• tried to go to sleep to no avail
• finished my book
• tried to go to sleep to no avail
• sent a couple of emails
• going to try to go to sleep at 5a (and I have to be up at 8a???)

Today, in list form 12/21/08

• woke at 11a
• did dishes
• had cramps
• whined all day because of said cramps
• surfed the web all day
• read “ironside”
• hung with the hubby
• made home made hot cocoa
• watched House
• wastched Law & Order CI
• cuddled with the Moe and the husband
• blogged
• bed at about 12:30a

Tired and Bored…

… and don’t feel like writing anything… It has been too long since I have updated… Not good… Falling back on old habits… Again…

Today, in list form 12/12/08

• woke at 11a
• made breakfast
• hung out
• took Moe to the dog park just to watch him hump everything in sight
• came home
• hung out some more 
• made cookies
• Ted went to work at 3:15p
• blogged
• talked to Jess
• made rice for dinner
• got showered and shaved and ready for the theatre
• straighten my hair
• Jen got me at 6p
• went to get her mom at 6:30p
• went to see The Nutcracker
• took Carol home 
• came home at 10:30p
• talked to Ted at 11p
• went to bed at 12:30a

Today, in list form 12/09/08

• woke at 8:30a
• hung out with the husband
• talked to Em
• finished reading “The Last Vampire”
• took Em to the farmer’s market, Petco and Michaels
• came home to find out that Ted got called back to work for 10 days on the night shift. I was happy and bummed at the same time
• Talked to Jen
• Brian called to ask if I would watch Josh so he and Holly could go oout
• watched Josh from 7p until 11:30p (he’s so fucking adorable)
• Brian drove me home
• got home at midnight
• wait up for Ted to get home around 3:30 – 4a
• bed at 4:30a

I just got adjusted to being a day person and now this… I hope he gets days again soon.

Today, in list form 12/08/08

• woke at 9a
• blogged
• made breakfast
• cleaned house with Ted
• went to get Kaitlin
• went to Walmart so she could register for her baby shower
• went to Holly’s
• took belly pics of Kate
• took pics of Joshua
• took Kate home only to find that she was locked out and stranded
• took Kate to Brian’s
• hung out at Brian’s for a few
• came home at 11:30p
• bed by midnight

Update…

I was really on a roll, man! I had gone 53 day IN A ROW of posting in this blog. Mostly, it was meme’s but I was posting none the less. I got SOOOO sick on Friday night. I was vomiting all Friday night and most of Saturday. I was in pain. All of my joints hurt and I kept getting really  hot then really cold and I was running a fever. I just felt horrible. My beautiful husband waited on me hand and foot and I just wanted to do nothing but sleep. Sunday, I could eat and drink, but I was still so sore. My ribs and stomache muscles felt like I had been beated with a tire iron and it pretty much killed me to cough or breathe. On top of that, my CPAP machine that I use for my sleep apnea is on the fritz and I couldn’t use it. Ugh! I am feeling a whole lot better now. Kate called me three times yesterday to make sure I was okay. I love that girl. She just had the exact same thing earlier in the week and she’s pregnant and can’t take anything for when she’s sick. She’s suck a sweetie. I will be doing a photoshoot with her for her belly pictures later this week. I just want to make sure that I am not sick any longer so I don’t get her sick again. So, cute belly pics to come soon.

 

Au Revoir

mé

Priorities…

I really need to get my priorities in order. I am about 2 months behind on my penpal letters and I feel so bad about it. I will begin writing them tomorrow. Jeny and Tanja, I suck, I know. I love you both and I hope you can forgive me. I have a huge list of things I need to do, and I never seem to do any of it. I am, however, checking my blood sugars more often like I should. Ugh…