…of mourning and healing

It’s almost been nine years, and I still grieve so hard for her. The light her life gave off is fading and though I still have so many amazing memories, those memories hurt because I can never make any new ones with her. There is so much that I have found out since her death. Things that I should have known. Things I would have known had I just listened to her. Just believed her and put aside her history for a minute. Now that she’s gone, I can’t apologize or try to help her get through it.

I have plans for her anniversary. I am going to burn the autopsy report. My therapist thinks (and I completely agree) that it would help me see her like she was when she was alive and not like she was described as she was found, days after she died locked in a hot apartment in September. I am going to go ANYWHERE I can go to feed ducks. I know they won’t be chicken ducks, but I know she wouldn’t care. She would have fed any animal, anywhere. I can’t go back to that park where she went to do drugs with her friends. I will blow bubbles at sunset. That’s something I learned from the SCA Godmother. It’s a pleasant, happy and fun way to send my thoughts and feelings off to the universe. I will listen to our old music. The good upbeat stuff. I will rock out and swing on swings and enjoy the day. Just like we would have done if she were alive. I will sprinkle glitter. She left trails of glitter in her wake. (not literally) I will make this day happier than it would be if I memorialized her with the people who used drugs with her. People who I didn’t know and people who I am no longer close to. I don’t want to be uncomfortable memorializing the life of my best friend. They have the right to memorialize her in their way. I have that right as well.

My heart hurts a lot today as I think about her smile and her bright, sweet eyes. I miss her so, so much.


How things change

Today, we’ve been together long enough for her to want to be married to me. She proposed on March 20th at Gulf Wars in Mississippi. I couldn’t have been more surprised or more happy. (Happier?)



I talk to her occasionally. I want to tell her things I should have said when we broke up. There are questions I need to ask. More questions. She said she loved me still but is she still IN love with me. That makes a really big difference. I’m trying to get over her. And I know hope eventually I will. It hurts so bad to put your all. Your heart and soul, your whole life into a relationship just to have it thrown away.



When we cried together, was she crying for us? For what we’d be losing? Or was she crying because she was sad she was hurting me? Does she miss me? Does she miss having me around? Does she cry when she misses me or does she mope? Does she truly want to stay friends? Does she fondly remember special moments we’ve had? Does she still love me? Did she ever?


She and Her

She and Her

I wish it were this was again


Missing you

I miss you with all of my heart and soul. I miss hearing your voice and feeling your touch. I miss hearing you tell me you love me. I know you did what you did for the best reasons, but I feel that you stopped loving me, stopped caring for me long before that. I know someday I’ll get over you, but in all honesty, I don’t want to. We talked of our hand fasting and our bed and our life. I tried so hard in the beginning to push you away. I showed you all my skeletons. Still you persisted. You said you could handle it, and in the end, as usual, I’m the one who gets hurt. Do you even miss me? When we go full days without speaking or texting, does even a little part of you feel empty? Am I mourning a relationship that was dead and buried long before the break up?



Lists I need to make

Things I need in a best friend

Characteristics I wish to possess

My life in numbers

I wish

Qualities I admire in others

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