I hate who I am…

I hate who I am… I hate that I have not been a better friend… I have made the most horrible mistakes with several of my friends, some of which I have hurt so badly that I will never, nor should I be, forgiven. I have been so lucky in my life. I have been blessed with MANY of the world’s greatest friends and sadly, I can think of at least one major wrong that I have commited on each and every one of them. I do not deserve my friends. My pen pals are the lucky ones. I consider a few of them, Jenny O, Tanja, and Maria are my best long distance friends. As much as I would like to meet them, I am also glad I can’t. Even with Maria I have made some major mistakes, though not as bad as the people who are physically close to where I live. I have made some major changes in my life. I am more conscience of what I say and do to my friends, but unfortunately, that does not repair any of the friendships that I have devastated and left in my wake, broken and hurt. Now, even though I am a different person, I have to suffer the consequences of the hurts I have caused along the way, I have to learn an eternal lesson by losing friends and wishing I could have another chance that will never come and that I am so undeserving of. So, now is the time I need to make another change. While I am far more aware of what I do and say, I need to let go of, but never forget, my past mistakes. I need to grieve the loss of my friends that I know I will never get to enjoy again. The people who have beautifully adorned my life with their love and friendship only to be hurt by me.

Goodbye Crysta, Brian and Amanda… I miss you all so much!


4 Responses to “I hate who I am…”

  1. November 11, 2008 at 10:45 am

    If you’re aware of the problem perhaps you can prevent similar scenarios in the future? I hate to see you suffer and punishing yourself like this. You didn’t mean to hurt anyone on purpose and everyone screws up and I don’t want to believe that it’s unfixable… (I’m usually a negative person but some areas I’m unbelievable positive) Sure, I don’t know what you said or did in the cases where you feel you shouldn’t be forgiven but in my opinion there are just a few things that I would never forgive. Perhaps you can, even if it might take years and you will never be as good friends as you once were work on trust and regain some of the friendship?

    Either way… I hope you learn your lesson and do your best not to repeat them and forgive yourself because I seriously doubt you deserve it. (Even if you were horribly mean to someone all you can do is apologize and move on. Which I know is easier said than done, I torture myself with guilt too) I really don’t like to see people I care about in agony, moments like these I wish we lived a little closer so that we could talk things through over a cup of tea.

    Big hug from across the sea

  2. 2 aimeemarie
    November 11, 2008 at 11:09 am

    Oh Jenny,

    I love you and yes, I wish we lived closer to one another too. I will tell you in my letter what happened. It’s a really long story. I am sure he will never be in my life again, because it was a promise he made to his wife. He loved her so much. I am making sure that I am more conscience of what I say and do. I am trying to shut off that “mother bear” part of me that starts the whole ball rolling into “mean bitch”. I have more than learned my lesson, but sometimes the punishments for mistakes and crimes against those you love last a lifetime. You should get a webcam so we can have tea with each other in one way or another. what kind of computer do you have? Maybe I can find you one. (if you’d like to do that, even) Thank you for being such a good friend to me. I am so glad that we found one another.

  3. November 11, 2008 at 12:33 pm

    Looking forward to your letter. I have a feeling that we might suffer from the same “illness”, I’ll read your letter and see if I’m right.

    I’m guessing guilt is meant to leave scars, to help us remember and to teach us but you shouldn’t make it into such a heavy burden that it slows you down in life. (It’s so much easier to give advice to others than listening to it myself…)

    Oh, I’m too shy for having a webcam, let’s save the awkward silence and making fun of my accent for the day we met :p

  4. 4 aimeemarie
    November 11, 2008 at 4:22 pm

    That’s fine, no web cam for you. But, I would never, ever make fun of your accent. I love accents!

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