15
Nov
08

… of “putting things behind me”, only to have them come out in nightmares

So I have been dealing with this issue now, and after I talked to C. I had decided a few things. B. can’t feel too guilty or he wouldn’t have done what he did Wednesday morning. I mean, I would (and did) totally understand why our friendship had to end but with these enlightening little facts, it’s hard to believe that he has shoved me aside because it’s what A. would have wanted. Would A. have approved of what happened Wednesday morning? I think not. So, it made me think (and drink (and get angry)) I have made some serious FUCKED up mistakes, yes, I can admit to and take full responsibility for my words and deeds. I was a bitch and I can never make up for that. I know. But he has made some mistakes too, like missing my wedding when I came to get him and because of waiting at his door so long, I WAS LATE TO MY OWN WEDDING. I have never gotten an apology for that. I never thought to expect one until now. He was my friend and I didn’t question his reasons. If he had an excuse, I knew that it wasn’t intentional. I know it wasn’t, but I have still never received an apology. Why is it that I must be continuously punished wrong-doings, and he isn’t even required to apologize for his. Then… epiphany… I realized that I am only his friend when it is convenient for him. I have been cast aside, more than once. I though we had this amazing friendship. I have wasted years and tears mourning our friendship. I have kept him in my heart and in my thoughts. Ted and I frequently reminisce about fun times we’d had with him and the group. I always wanted to have him back in our lives. We used to cook together and it was always amazing. I have cried so many times, regretting (as I still and always will) what I did to he and A. But now, after Wednesday afternoon, when he called me for the last time, I realized that I am only brought around when he needs me and I am cast off when he is done. He called Wednesday to thank me for something that Ted, J. Ca. and I got for him. Now, he knew as of Sunday when he told me that we could no longer talk, that I was devastated. He had to know, I could barely talk without crying. So, knowing that, why did he call me and not J. or Ca.? He had to know that his phone call would just set me off again. But he thanked me and I did appreciate that and he told me what he was going to do with it and all. Then he told me that if years down the line, he needs me, he’ll call me. That proved it to me. When I am needed. You know what? I have now lost him three times. Three times, my heart has been shattered and I don’t know if I can go through it again. I would love to have him in our life. Even after all of this realization, I still can’t hate him. I SO want to. It would make this whole process that much easier. So, Wednesday, after I got so drunk that I passed out. I decided that I would just put B. out of my head. Be angry, I told myself. Be hurt. Just forget him. So, I have been trying. When B. pops into my head, I do something or think of something else. I have been doing this since Wednesday evening. Each night, I have fucked up dreams. He and A. are in them all. I had been forgetting about them almost as soon as I woke. Until this morning that is. When Ted got up, he told me that I was yelling and crying in my sleep. I have not done that in years. I guess if I don’t deal with it while I am awake, I will do so in my sleep. I just don’t know what to do. Do I keep grieving him, since this is not an issue that I can resolve, or do I keep repressing it and fight this battle in my sleep? I am so tired of being sad and angry? I really wish that he hadn’t contacted me in August. I know I got closure and I got to really apologize and that felt really good, but now, I have to deal with all of this all over again. I hate it. Then to be pushed away in the name of loving A. only to find out what he did that was worse than talking to me… I am so confused and hurt. So, there it is… Tell me what to do.

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1 Response to “… of “putting things behind me”, only to have them come out in nightmares”


  1. November 16, 2008 at 9:44 am

    See, no one is perfect, he should get off his high horse. Obviously you need him now and want to be with him at this horrible time in his life and yes, you did awful things in the past (like we all do at times, like he did making you late for your wedding!) and then he says that he will call you if he needs you but you can’t do the same? I don’t think that’s fair. I could understand if he said that he needed some time before he was ready to work on your friendship again but this? No. Friendship works both ways, in good times and bad, sort of like a marriage I guess. I could be absolutely furious with one of my friends but if something like this happened we would put that aside for the time and help each other.

    I wish I could tell you what to do but… I hope you find a better solution than drinking. My solution to most things is, acceptance, which is easier said than done but it helps if you manage to do it. You can’t change people so say what you have to say and move on, let go and remember the good times. I usually bottle things in and it has made me into this charming sarcastic, cynical creature that I am today…

    Big hug, as always (from someone who knows a thing or two about punishing herself)


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