The inevitable next step

So, Andrea has just graduated high school… I am overjoyed and miserable all at the same time. I am so proud of her for achieving so many things that most other people would have given up on considering what she’s gone through. She has come through so much fire, so many washed out paths and coming to bridges that others burned before her. She has succeeded despite all of the people who have tried their hardest to keep her from succeeding because they knew that they wouldn’t be there to get their cut of the recognition.

Then again, she HAS succeeded without them… They missed out on their daughter’s most amazing moment of her school career… They missed out on the most important year of her life this far. They made choices that concerned her , for her and without her consent, sending her, and the kids’ lives spinning out of control. The only control they have over Andrea and the kids now is by fucking up their own lives so much that it can’t help but fuck up all the lives around theirs.

When the parents were asked to stand, Barb told us to stand. And I did stand there proudly but also very solemnly because I knew that  I was only Amy’s stand in… I was not really her mother and I never will be. It’s seriously time to drive that through my fucking head. I need to stop living in this fantasy land where Ted and I have four of the most beautiful kids imaginable. The truth is that we have none. We just fill in when we’re needed. We’re temporary fillings… Then, I began to feel really guilty about standing up at all. That wasn’t my place. Who the hell did I think I was trying to fill those shoes, take up that specific piece of the puzzle. Amy should have been there. I know that despite all of the shit Amy has done, that she had been waiting for this moment for as long as, if not longer than me. No. Let’s be real… She has been waiting for this moment longer than me. Andrea is hers. She gave birth to this beautiful person that I get to hold on to for a while.

Soon, Bee will be moving out. That is the inevitable next step. That is the step I am the most afraid of. That is the step that will really tell me if I did a good job as Andrea’s guardian, Aunt, and friend… I’d love to add mother, but Andrea doesn’t need another one of those breathing down her neck. I will never be her mother, no matter how bad I wish I were. She will never consider me her mother, no matter how much I wish she would, because the fact remains; I’m not her mom. I never will be. That will be the moment when I see if she even really needs me. I need her to need me. I am not ready to let her go yet. I want to know that I am as important to her life as she obviously is to mine. She’s become my everything. She’s ingrained in my soul. Her pains hurt me, her sadnesses weaken my heart, when she’s devastated, I can’t help but cry for and with her. When there are joyous occasions, I feel my heart bursting with joy for her. When she falls in love, I feel her anticipation in seeing her special someone. Today, when I got to introduce Aimee to different, very important relatives, I felt like I was going to melt and I felt the joy of Andrea and Aimee. How can this not be what a mother feels?

Andrea will be gone soon, and I fear that she’ll be gone for good. That’s she’s had so much of us that she’ll need a sabbatical  completely without us in her lives. I feel like I won’t know what is going on in her life. I won’t be a part of her joys and all the shit she might go through. What if I completely miss big things in her life? Will she even want mt there after she leaves?


1 Response to “The inevitable next step”

  1. 1 Jenny
    June 6, 2010 at 9:06 am

    You may not be THE parent but you are a parental figure and you did something many people won’t, take care of someone else’s kids. You did that because you are a sweet and loving person and stepping up and helping young people in their lives is something they won’t forget, you were there when others weren’t and I’m sure they appreciate what you guys have done for them.
    And if it weren’t for you and Ted, where would Andrea be? Would she have graduated? Don’t you think that you guy made her year better than it would have been if you hadn’t helped out? I think you are being hard on yourself and you need to feel proud for what you did instead of guilt, any kind of guilt. The kids weren’t you responsibility and yet you did help out, more than most people would.

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