lists, politics

Things I Trust More Than Trump

From Properly Ridiculous  The Odyssey Online 2 Peas Refugees The Spokesman-Review

 

Shaving with old rusty razors

Bill Cosby: I’m confronted by Donald and Bill, both offer me a beverage and I’m going with Bills, I think he would appreciate it more.

Yellow Snow

Vodka: After consumption my behavior becomes questionable. Vodka does not have my best interest in mind, much like Donald, but at the end of the night, it helps me sleep better – something Mr. Trump will never be able to do.

vodka

Potato salad after it’s been open and on the picnic table on a 90-degree day.

The squirrel Darting Back And Forth In The Street

Flint, Michigan water

Cocktails with Bill Cosby

Casey Anthony’s Day Care

Gas station sushi

A shot from Dr. Kevorkian

A fart when I have diarrhea

Dinner at Dahmer’s

DDD tits in a tube top

Alzheimer’s patient tour guide

A dog with a foam beard

Colleges using tuition dollars effectively

The middle school teacher who told me I will need to use cursive for the rest of my life

Kim Jong-un saying he doesn’t have nuclear weapons

A date with Brock Turner

Monsanto

A compliment from Regina George

Mosquitos carrying Zika

Tobacco companies

The toupee on Donald’s head

Guys who wear fedoras

Guys who say you’re the only one they talk to

Kanye being in the room when I’m about to give a speech

Swimming with sharks

A one night stand with Charlie Sheen

A fishing trip with Scott Peterson

A ride along with Drew Peterson

People selling London Bridge

Lakefront realtors from Arizona

A SCUBA dive trip with Gabe Watson

A Nigerian prince that wants to share his fortune with me

The IRS calling to say I’m going to jail if I don’t pay them

Playing with blasting caps

Eating a humongous meal of Golden Corral, Taco Bell, and White Castle and immediately going for a joyride on country back roads

Crawling into a Grizzly Bear den the day they wake up in the Spring and playing my harmonica and singing some gentle workin’ man blues

Challenging Kim Kardashian to an Instagram popularity contest. Loser has to listen to Kanye read verbatim every Trump speech given during the campaign

Poking ice picks into my eyeballs to see the pretty lights

Tickling a wounded road hit skunk or porcupine or gray wolf on its tummy and screaming KITCHY KITCHY KOO at it

BASE jumping off the International Space Station with a parachute made of the diaphanous hope of collectors of Sony Betamax players and movies that Betamax will be back

That Elvis Presley is actually in an Assisted Living Center in Poughkeepsie and on Bingo night insists on entering the dayroom wearing a cape made of a horribly stained thermal blanket and a microphone from an IV stand

Scrubbing stubborn tear stains off my computer desk with a mixture of bleach and ammonia

A 10-year-old wallet condom

A long boat trip on the Rio Tinto, Lake Karachay, or the Amazon River in a boat with a large, fast leak

Anthony Weiner with a selfie stick

Love letters from inmates

Someone asking you for your Social Security number over the phone

That camera in the bathroom

Taking a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time

Dick Cheney behind you with a shotgun

O.J. Simpson with a glove and a knife

Carpooling with Ted Kennedy

A blood transfusion from Charlie Sheen

Having Bernie Madoff as your financial adviser

A prostate exam from Captain Hook

Mexican tap water

“Are you sure we should be playing this game Holy Father”?

A tanning vacation in Fukushima

Eating food off the floor of a strip club

A cop pulling over a black man

Candy from strangers in white windowless cargo vans

Herpes

That suspicious odor coming from my refrigerator

Milk two weeks past its expiration date

The guy who sells steaks out of a cooler in the back of his truck

A two-year-old with no nap and a fistful of candy wrappers

Scientology

Harvey Weinstein’s intentions

The time my cable company says somebody will be at my house to fix my Internet

The Rhythm Method

The Lannister Family

Food on the subway floor

Amateur hypnotists

Dentists who say “this won’t hurt a bit”

The ability of a 1981 Le Car to traverse the Rockies

An open container of yogurt from 2007

The ability of a Yugo on the Macinack Bridge on a windy day

A surgeon with Parkinson’s Disease

R.Kelly babysitting someone’s teenage daughter

Drunk monkeys with machine guns

Lucy Van Pelt holding a football for me to kick

Seafood salad at a buffet

The man on the street corner with the cardboard sign offering free mammograms and pap smears.

A hitchhiker with a bloody shirt

A cat that looks like it wants you to pet its belly

TV psychics

Sugared up children in antique stores

“YOU HAVE WON A FREE IPAD”

Gay Republicans

Gas station nachos at 3 a.m.

Dollar store pregnancy tests

The big wooden horse I found on my front doorstep this morning with what sounds like guys inside speaking Greek and a sign taped on the side saying “Bring inside, totally not a trick”

Heather at Card Services that will save me interest on my credit card accounts.

My family’s life savings in the hands of Bernie Madoff

A burning paper bag left on my front porch

Michael Vick watching my dog

Tonya Harding

Woody Allen with his adopted daughter

Roman Polanski with an underage girl

A hungry hyena

Hannibal Lecter inviting me for dinner

A car that has a broken gas gauge

 

JUST SAYING

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