Author Archive for Aimée O'Brien

30
Jan
17

… of presidents and bad choices

So the Trumpster has now been the president for ten days. TEN DAYS and he has made several executive orders that have been absolutely horrifying. There are marches and protests. N. and I have bought guns. Neither of us have ever wanted to buy a gun. We both agreed that we needed guns. We fear that in the not too distant future, there may end up being Marshall Law. Trump has been in office ten days and he has already offended Mexico and Iraq. Heads of state are again talking about not allowing him to enter their countries. I truly fear that we are going into WWIII. That’s why we’re preparing.

Preparing, but we aren’t hiding. We’re still shouting and protesting. I am not physically healthy enough to march or be out WITH the protesters, but I am starting a letter writing campaign, a phone call campaign, and a new website that will be directed directly to our president, vice-president, congress people, and our senators, as well as anyone else that has to hear what we have to say.

Mental health wise, I’m stressed, anxious, and depressed. I can’t focus on much else but the news and politics. I try to write to my pen pals as often as I can to bring some sunshine into my life. My wife is my rock, and I am hers. We hold one another and know that we will get through this. Our country has gone through terrible times before.

The end times are coming. Just not the way we thought.

11
Jan
17

… of *cough, cough, phlegm* and SAD

N and I have been sick with a really bad cold. This has made it difficult to do pretty much anything. On top of being sick, it has been really frigid, rainy, snowy, and gloomy out. The combination of all that has made my depression worse. Sunlight is a much needed friend. We’re so close to digging up money to buy a few full-spectrum daylight bulbs to trick my seasonal affective disorder into being nice to me.  I can’t wait to get better so I can clean and get things done.

02
Jan
17

Monday Prompts

From Curious as a Cat: This blog is now inactive, but there are ten years worth of questions that I can answer.

What is one of your biggest fears? How might you be able to overcome it?

One of my deepest fears is losing my spouse. Weather it be to illness, or she leaves me, or whatever. Until I met her, I have never felt fully loved for exactly who I am. I have never been able to be the real me. I have always had to hide some part of my personality or my beliefs… With N, I don’t have to do that. I didn’t realize that I had never truly loved before I met her. And that’s scary seeing that I was married before. I feel that I lost her, I would lose a piece of myself that I couldn’t fully live without unless I got serious mental help.

01
Jan
17

… of new years and new starts

2016 is over, thank the Gods!

I think it’s fair to say that for most people, 2016 was a terrible year. I truly believe that many of us were cursed by 2016. Now we can all breathe easy and deep, and start fresh with a beautiful new year. I decided that I am not making any resolutions this year. The Merriam-Webster defines resolution as:

noun res·o·lu·tion \ˌre-zə-ˈlü-shən\

Definition of resolution

  1. 1:  the act or process of resolving: asa :  the act of analyzing a complex notion into simpler onesb :  the act of answering :  solvingc :  the act of determiningd :  the passing of a voice part from a dissonant to a consonant tone or the progression of a chord from dissonance to consonancee :  the separating of a chemical compound or mixture into its constituentsf (1) :  the division of a prosodic element into its component parts (2) :  the substitution in Greek or Latin prosody of two short syllables for a long syllableg :  the analysis of a vector into two or more vectors of which it is the sum

  2. 2:  the subsidence of a pathological state (as inflammation)

  3. 3a :  something that is resolved <made a resolution to mend my ways>b :  firmness of resolve

  4. 4:  a formal expression of opinion, will, or intent voted by an official body or assembled group

  5. 5:  the point in a literary work at which the chief dramatic complication is worked out

  6. 6a :  the process or capability of making distinguishable the individual parts of an object, closely adjacent optical images, or sources of lightb :  a measure of the sharpness of an image or of the fineness with which a device (as a video display, printer, or scanner) can produce or record such an image usually expressed as the total number or density of pixels in the image <a resolution of 1200 dots per inch>

If I were to make a resolution and not complete it, or, in the case of quitting something, start back up (and vice versa) I would fall into that black pit called failure. I hate failing. I have an innate fear of failure. Instead of making resolutions, I set goals. This year I have set an enormous set of goals. But that’s okay. Since they’re goals, I can try my hardest to attain them, but if I don’t succeed, I just keep trying. There is no failing. So this year, and every year from now on, I will be setting goals and not making resolutions. This is not only good for helping myself achieve success, but it’s also good for my mental health.

23
Jun
15

…of mourning and healing

It’s almost been nine years, and I still grieve so hard for her. The light her life gave off is fading and though I still have so many amazing memories, those memories hurt because I can never make any new ones with her. There is so much that I have found out since her death. Things that I should have known. Things I would have known had I just listened to her. Just believed her and put aside her history for a minute. Now that she’s gone, I can’t apologize or try to help her get through it.

I have plans for her anniversary. I am going to burn the autopsy report. My therapist thinks (and I completely agree) that it would help me see her like she was when she was alive and not like she was described as she was found, days after she died locked in a hot apartment in September. I am going to go ANYWHERE I can go to feed ducks. I know they won’t be chicken ducks, but I know she wouldn’t care. She would have fed any animal, anywhere. I can’t go back to that park where she went to do drugs with her friends. I will blow bubbles at sunset. That’s something I learned from the SCA Godmother. It’s a pleasant, happy and fun way to send my thoughts and feelings off to the universe. I will listen to our old music. The good upbeat stuff. I will rock out and swing on swings and enjoy the day. Just like we would have done if she were alive. I will sprinkle glitter. She left trails of glitter in her wake. (not literally) I will make this day happier than it would be if I memorialized her with the people who used drugs with her. People who I didn’t know and people who I am no longer close to. I don’t want to be uncomfortable memorializing the life of my best friend. They have the right to memorialize her in their way. I have that right as well.

My heart hurts a lot today as I think about her smile and her bright, sweet eyes. I miss her so, so much.

06
Apr
15

How things change

Today, we’ve been together long enough for her to want to be married to me. She proposed on March 20th at Gulf Wars in Mississippi. I couldn’t have been more surprised or more happy. (Happier?)

15
Aug
13

Trying

I talk to her occasionally. I want to tell her things I should have said when we broke up. There are questions I need to ask. More questions. She said she loved me still but is she still IN love with me. That makes a really big difference. I’m trying to get over her. And I know hope eventually I will. It hurts so bad to put your all. Your heart and soul, your whole life into a relationship just to have it thrown away.




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Vomitus of the Brainus © Aimée Easton 2006 - 2011 All Rights Reserved Material contained on this site are under copyright, whether my own or someone else's. The material here is published strictly for personal use, and may not be copied to any other place without prior permission. I have borrowed or linked resources from elsewhere and I have given credit to the source from where I got material. Any form of copying or distribution, may face legal penalty.