Archive for the 'life' Category


… of *cough, cough, phlegm* and SAD

N and I have been sick with a really bad cold. This has made it difficult to do pretty much anything. On top of being sick, it has been really frigid, rainy, snowy, and gloomy out. The combination of all that has made my depression worse. Sunlight is a much needed friend. We’re so close to digging up money to buy a few full-spectrum daylight bulbs to trick my seasonal affective disorder into being nice to me.  I can’t wait to get better so I can clean and get things done.



I talk to her occasionally. I want to tell her things I should have said when we broke up. There are questions I need to ask. More questions. She said she loved me still but is she still IN love with me. That makes a really big difference. I’m trying to get over her. And I know hope eventually I will. It hurts so bad to put your all. Your heart and soul, your whole life into a relationship just to have it thrown away.


Complete Motherhood

Dear Andrea,

I never thought I would say that I hoped that you became a mother at 19 years old, but here I sit, hoping and praying that not only will you become a mother, but a mother of two. You are an inspiration to me. You are a hero.

You are giving Matthew and Alice a chance at the life that was stolen from you. A life that you never had the chance to have. You are continuing to give up the life that you so deserved to have for another life that you were made for; Complete motherhood.


I love her, but I don’t like her…

Used to be what I said about A. That sentiment has recently changed. I no longer love her. I loathe and despise her. I abhor her. I honestly couldn’t care less if she drank herself to death. When a 9 year old calls you out on calling drunk, there is a serious problem.


#Love is Louder

All through middle and high school, I was bullied mercilessly. I am 32 years old and the effects of that bullying still effects me to this day. What I went through as a child, during the years of trying to get to know who I was, made it very hard for me to have any sort of pride in myself. My self-esteem took a near fatal hit and it is still recovering to this day. When I hear about all of the kids being bullied and being made to feel scared, ashamed, hopeless and depressed, I go back to those days which are still SO clear to me, and I know EXACTLY how these kids feel. I remember being suicidal all the time and I remember how depressed I was and how I hated waking up, every morning, knowing that I had to go through yet another day of torture. When you are bullied, it makes loving yourself so hard. Your school, a place where one should learn and educate themselves and better themselves turns into a prison and learning becomes hard and life gets even harder. Bullies don’t realize the impact they are having on the life, both currently and in the future, of the target of their venom. They don’t realize that years down the line, when they have surely forgotten you, you will never forget them or the things they put you through. Brittany Snow has created a movement called “Love is Louder” and I believe in this movement because if there is ONE thing I have learned, it is that the effects of love ARE louder, more meaningful than hate, bigotry, jealousy, racism, abuse, and discrimination… If people learned how to love fully, this world would be a better place.

Mission: Love is Louder was started by actress Brittany Snow, The Jed Foundation and MTV to build on the outpouring of support online after the lives of multiple teenagers were lost to suicide in September 2010. This movement strives to amplify the momentum of other inspiring online campaigns and invite anyone who has felt mistreated, misunderstood or isolated into the conversation. We are here to raise the volume around a critical message — that love and support is more powerful than the external and internal voices that bring us down, cause us pain and make us feel hopeless. The more voices that join the movement, the louder the message becomes. #LoveisLouder.


Updated letter to Amy

“Somebody tell me what made us all believe you. I should have known all along it was all a lie.” — Amy Lee

September 22nd, 2010

Dear Amy,

I would like to say that I didn’t think you’d fall. I would like to say that I believed, like each and every time before that once you got the kids back that you’d stay sober. The thing is that I don’t think you ever got sober to begin with. After all these years of watching you care more about the bottle than your kids or even yourself, being thrilled when you “got sober” only to be crushed, yet again by your agonizing fall off the wagon, not just once, but over, and over, and over again, I have come to the realization that your good moments come and go away quickly and your words and actions are to be completely distrusted. I would love to tell you that since I knew that inevitably this moment would come, I wasn’t devastated by your lack of will power, strength, caring, motivation or the fact that once again, you refuse to take full and total responsibility for your actions but the fact is that I am, Ted is, and most importantly, Andrea and the littles are as well.

The first time you screwed up, I was surprised and disappointed that after nine months of supposed sobriety, seemingly doing well within the program set out for you by the state and the fact that you were about to get your kids back, you decided for whatever selfish reason to drink again. I thought, however, that since you stopped drinking after the first double shot the day before mother’s day and immediately turned yourself in to the proper authorities, you had learned, that even if you fall back, you know that the safety and welfare of your kids come first. After the second fuck up I realized that the only reason you did the “right thing” was because you knew that if you did it first, the courts would see that you were at least taking responsibility of your actions and were regaining the control that you had previously lacked. Since then, I have spoken to you several times while you were wasted and I knew that this cycle was never going to end. You play the system like a fiddle and you are Charlie Daniels. You know how to manipulate everyone and everything around you and instead of working hard to fix yourself and make things right, you work twice as hard to find every possible way around the rules. When the court gave the kids back to you, I knew it was too soon. You acted like you were doing everything right, that you had changed your attitude and understood what made you “relapse”. But I could tell that your changes were on the outside. It’s so easy to tell what an act it is. You tell people what they want to hear, you say all those pretty words that make people think that you’ve really grown and changed when in all actuality, you’re being manipulative and condescending.

I thought that we had become immune to your fuck ups. Though we no longer find ourselves falling for all the things you have done “right” and though I wish we could say that even though our hearts no longer fill with joy and our hopes no longer get inflated (because in the end, everything comes crashing down around us all) Andrea, Matthew, Alice, Ted and I are still highly affected by the choices and decisions that you continue to make. Everyone in the situation suffers, especially your kids. The thing is, your kids had faith in you. They held the belief that you were doing what was right for not only yourself, but them as well. Your children are once again beyond devastated. How selfish can you be?

When this all began, Grandma and Grandpa’s future plans had to remain on hold, Ted and I had to watch a young woman’s faith in the world shred into tiny pieces and we watched two beautiful children become more angry and confused as the months passed. Meanwhile, you got more tattoos, created a whole new home with brand new furniture, game systems, televisions not even in preparation to get your kids back… Everyone else suffered financially and mentally while you played and the kids didn’t have parents. You ruined Andrea’s entire senior year. The kids hated almost everything and everyone, everyone’s life was at a standstill and the list goes on and on. You, however got to go to bars, parties, reunions, and you got to play with the kids when it suited you. You complained when the state talked about making you pay child support, even after you collected Scott’s money and food stamps meant for a family of 5 for three months after the kids were taken. You were having the time of your life living for yourself and not seeming to give a shit about your kids or the people who were taking care of them. You complained about having to do any of the things that any parent does on a daily basis and then bitched that you didn’t have your full parental rights. Then, when you got your kids back, when the judge went out on a limb and wasn’t as “conservative” as he usually is, you laughed in the face of us all and did whatever the hell you wanted.

I am devastated by the fact that you can’t seem to stay sober. I am sick of hearing about how you have to do this for yourself and you can’t do it for anyone else, including your kids. I am sick of hearing how AA is such a help to you when one of their regularly used phrases is “I am powerless over my addiction.” You are NOT powerless. You have the choice to NOT buy booze. You have the choice NOT to put a drink to your lips and you HAVE the CHOICE to take responsibility for the fact that you care more about having fun, filling your own desires and doing what you want than making your kids happy, healthy and safe. And I am even more sick of hearing about how you’re sick and that this is a disease. Alcoholism is a CHOICE. Alcoholism is a road that you choose to take, and even though there are several streets that can and will take you off this road, you choose to continue on. You’re not sick, you’re weak, you’re cowardly and you’re selfish.

You blame your set backs on so many things, but lately, it seems that you are blaming your terrible past and the failure of your marriage the most. I am aware of the fact that you have a lot of issues from your past that definitely need to be addressed, but why do you have to blame that for the choices you make? There are so many people that have had it a lot worse than you who make a wonderful life for their kids. And I find it funny that you blame your marriage issues as well because you have already moved on to the next man (or men) who will support you and enable you. You have hidden this fact from everyone except a few people. How can you expect me, Andrea, or anyone else for that fact to believe that you are so upset over the break up of your marriage that you can’t help but drink, when you’re already head over heels in love and planning your next wedding on the beach with flowers in your hair. You’ve told me for quite some time that you’re sick of Michael. More recently, a few TDM’s ago, you said that you drank because you feeling overwhelmed by the fact that you were almost done with school, you were about to start an internship that will most likely lead to a full time job, you were about to get the kids back… Really? What was supposed to happen when the kids came home and you’re under ten feet of stress? What then? What made you think that if you were drinking over the possibilities of all the good things, you weren’t race to the bottom of the bottle when things go wrong or even when they were perfectly fine. Meanwhile, you’re wasting the states money that could more benefit children in need by taking weeks and weeks of couples therapy that you damn well is only for show. We both know that if your rights are terminated, Michael is out the door. You, the kids and the family has been a beard for him. You were all a ready made family portrait to hide the fact that he’s a bisexual (or gay) man. You LET you family live this strange and twisted lie of a family for far too long.

I am beginning to think that you liked having things the way they were. You got weekend visits with your kids if you wanted, you didn’t have to pay to support them, and you got to do whatever the hell you wanted the rest of the time. You got to redecorate and party and come and go as you saw fit.

The safety plan is a joke! You have been allowed to drink without major consequences. You lost 45 days with the kids coming home. You didn’t lose your visitation with the kids after you drank twice when they almost on their way home for good. You didn’t implement it when you drank after they came home either. You’ve learned how to make your “relapses” seem like they’re okay so long as you tell on yourself once you have gotten caught. I truly believe that they weren’t even ”relapses”, I just think that you have been drinking the whole time but hadn’t been caught. Until now.

I am done. I am finished feeling guilty for taking part in the call that took your kids from you, because I know that they weren’t safe with you. I honestly wish that Adrienne and I had done it a lot earlier. When you gave Andrea a black eye, for instance. RIGHT THEN I should have made the call rather than waiting more than two years and then having Adrienne offer to take me to the school to talk to the social worker and then having her tell us to call CPS. I am done trying to regain our friendship because honestly, how can I be friends with someone who can treat her kids like they’re not worth anything to her, and a person who I can’t trust and a person who can lie to my face? My only connection to you now is through your children and if your rights are terminated, I will have no connection to you at all. I love your kids and care about their welfare. I don’t try to sabotage their lives like I have witnessed you do and like I have witnessed you allow Michael to do. I have given up a lot to make sure that Andrea had as much as I could give her (and continue to give her) and you know what? I think that even though I couldn’t give her her own room or make sure she had her privacy, I made sure she had almost everything she needed and I gave her some of what she wanted. The one thing I can’t give her that she needs is a real mother. You have proven that you’re not a mother. You’re a drunk. I hope, even if I don’t believe, that you’ll get sober. Even if you lose the kids permanently, I hope that you find whatever it is you need to find peace without a drink. I hope that you can somehow regain the trust from your children. More so, I hope that they will not become jaded and will be able to trust people. That they will know true love when it is given to them. I hope that they don’t always wait for the other shoe to drop. If they turn out to be normal, healthy adults, I will be surprised, and I will not give you any credit for it. You are on your own now. You have your friends who enable you, but what good will they be for you in the long run? Even if your rights are terminated, the kids will seek you out when they’re adults and they will still need to see that though their childhoods were fucked, things can get better. Miracles can happen. There is ALWAYS hope.

I don’t want anything to do with you now. I hope you’re happy with the fact that you missed your daughter’s first and last day of her senior year, her first and last homecoming, her first and last prom, her graduation from high school, her 18th birthday, graduation party, and soon, her first day of college. You could quite possibly miss the rest of the kids’ childhoods; Graduations, marriages, babies. Is the bottle really worth all that? Ted and I stood in as Andrea’s parents for over a year. It had been a tumultuous year for the kids. Ted and I shouldn’t have been the ones standing with the parents at graduation to receive the praise of the graduates and the staff of the school. And as much as I loved being able to stand there for her, I also felt the biggest feeling of guilt. Not the guilt that you think I should have, but the guilt that I hadn’t done something about your drinking sooner. Maybe if I had, you would have been sober and able to stand there at Andrea’s graduation yourself, where you should have been. Instead, I am positive that you sat at home, blaming everyone but yourself for the fact that you were not welcome to see Andrea’s most important accomplishment to date. You chose the bottle, you chose self satisfaction, you chose self pity, you chose hatred, you chose deceit and most importantly, you chose YOU.

Do you have any clue to what the past year was like for Andrea? Have you ever, for one moment thought about what you put her through without putting yourself into consideration? You have ruined just about every beautiful moment this year could have held for her. She wasn’t there to see the kid’s first day of school last year. She didn’t have the chance to talk to them afterwards to find out how it went for them and on top of it, you called me, wasted out of your mind and pretend to be okay, you pretend to be genuinely curious about her first day; She didn’t get to go with them on Halloween, steal their candy or give them some of her own; She missed Thanksgiving with them, even though she got an “after Thanksgiving” with them, it just wasn’t the same. Putting up the Christmas tree, for the first time without them, damn near crippled her emotionally. I watched her spiral into a depression that no amount of Christmas music, love or happiness could heal. I watched her as she sat, depressed, wishing with all of her soul that she could be with the family that you so selfishly tore apart. Christmas was once again without them and it was near impossible to try to convince her that things were going to be okay; When Andrea got her Gold Key for her photo portfolio and had it go to Nationals, where was the huge fanfare? She had me and Ted, but everything else was from afar. She needed her siblings to help her celebrate; She rang in the New Year without the kids. Counting down to midnight, watching the ball drop and fireworks meant nothing. Once again another first that she wasn’t expecting so soon; Valentines day felt like a slap in the face without her family. You ruined her LAST day of high school by being wasted, and when we tried to help you, you lied to her on the phone and to me, straight to my face. I am convinced you only told on yourself that time because it got you out of trouble the previous “relapse”; On her graduation day, you contacted her by text, though she expressly and in front of everyone at the TDM said that she did NOT want you to contact her. You then gave her your famous fucking attitude after she let you know, AGAIN, that she didn’t want you to contact her. Your display of selfishness on the afternoon of her graduation day was not only ignorant, but sad. She knows that you’re thinking about her. We all knew you’d be thinking about her. You didn’t need to push yourself on her and then get an attitude when her response to you wasn’t full of glee. This day was NOT about you or how you are feeling or what you felt you needed to say. This day was about her, her wants, her wishes and you couldn’t even respect her that much. Regardless of what you may think, she was doing very well without your bullshit and drama. You had no right to be angry or upset with her for her reactions. They were justified and you know it. If you disagree, then it just goes to show how far you still need to go before you will “recover” from your issues. But the part of this year that I got to witness the most ruin of was her 18th birthday. You twisted my words and made me the bad guy and didn’t come to greet Andrea when she got off the bus from Chicago. You know damn well that when I called off the dinner for the 18th, I was NOT calling off the welcome home. I specifically said that “Dinner was off.” When you called me on the way to the busses, pissed off and with a shit ton of attitude, I was appalled and shocked. You didn’t come because you were already in your pajamas, yet the next day, you talked about how you were at a party or bonfire shortly before. You could have changed and driven the few miles to the school to be there for your oldest daughter. How many more moments in at least Andrea’s life are you willing to ruin? Sadly, you’re doing it to the littles as well. They ask why they have to be punished for you and Scott’s mistakes. They tell us that they feel like they’re in a mosh pit at a Slipknot concert being beaten and bashed about and how they can’t get out. They don’t talk about the actual issues too much. Instead, they hold everything inside, get bitter, angry and hurt. Alice spent an entire school year leaving class, most of the time on several occasions per day, to get hugs from perfect strangers. Matthew has become more and more aggressive both verbally and mentally. You have continually raised their hopes, knowing what the truth is, and then when your promises were left unfulfilled, you let Grandma and Grandpa be the bad guys and tell them what we all had known before but what you were too much of a coward to admit to them; You still weren’t fit to take them home. And every time that happened, it was someone else’s fault. Like it always is. Then, when you finally get them back, you still managed to get drunk frequently and though you didn’t get caught until you were foolish enough to call Lisa while you were wasted, you showed your children that you cared less for them than the bottle. By the way. Do you really think that you were kidding anyone by trying to convince the world that you chose to drink AFTER Joann came to see you? You had called Andrea and babbled her ear off for n hour, called Lisa several times then saw Joann and every single one of them knew you were drunk. Quit lying, quit manipulating and quit thinking the everyone around you is so damn stupid. You continue to leave behind you, a wake of broken hopes, shattered dreams, horrifying nightmares, dying faith and a warped sense of trust and now, after you had them home with you just to lose them yet again, you do it yet again. You are caught drunk when we come to you because Scott is drunk and you tried to lie about that as well. Who are you going to blame for this one? Who can you pin your fuck up on this time? When they are taken from you and Scott permanently, who do you hope the kids blame?

You’re also going to be missing another pivotal moment in Andrea’s life. She has fallen in love with Aimee. She’s in a really happy and healthy relationship and she wanted you to be a part of it. She let you in, welcomed you into her home while she was moving into a whole new stage of her life and you failed her again. She’s transitioning very well despite the fact that you have once again broken her faith. Every time she moves ahead, you do something to step in her way. Then, you begin communications with her girlfriend to keep tabs on Andrea. We all know that you’re trying to win Andrea back by trying to win over her girlfriend. The thing is, it won’t work.

Andrea would like, at 18 years old, to take custody of her siblings. She’s willing to work ten times harder than you ever have to make sure that Matthew and Alice have everything they need and some of what they want. She wants to make sure that they don’t spend any more time in their little lives feeling sad, afraid or growing up thinking that the life that they have with you is anything close to normal. She wants to break the cycle. Both Andrea and Anthony are paying for how you and Scott raised them, she doesn’t want the kids to grow up “all fucked up”. Instead, they are in a foster home with strangers. They are living a life that they should not have to. Andrea is fighting to keep the “visitation” that she should rightfully have. Because of you and Scott, she has to schedule times to see and talk to the children that she has raised since she was 12. Because of the two of you and your selfish lives, she has grown accustomed to being their parent and now, because of you, her rights to the kids are being terminated as well. How fair is that to her or them?

I want to remind you about what you are doing to Andrea. You have, countless times, raised her hopes, then crushed them. She will never fully give up on you. She will always need the mother that has, for the past several years not been there for her in almost any way consistently. She will always be there when you say you’re sober and finally doing what you’re supposed to do. A girl never, no matter how angry or hurt she is, no matter what she says, completely gives up on their mother. Every time you do this to her, you kill more and more of her. If you don’t stop, or just stay away from her until you’ve honestly, fully, completely become sober, you will create a person who will never, ever fully trust someone. Someone who will always wonder what is being hidden from her. Someone who will think that she’s being lied to even when she isn’t. Is that what you want for her? Andrea’s life is a fresh one now. She’s starting over. Lucky for her, this is a regular time for a huge life change.

Look, I know that you have a lot of demons that you need to face. Fuck, we all do. But you’re taking your sweet time dealing and in the mean time, you’re messing up the kids’ lives and they’re missing out on a regular life of their own. Get on with it already or just let go. If you can’t make your own life work, give up your kids. Let them be adopted so they can stop waking each and every day wondering what the hell is going to happen today, so they can adjust to a way of life and know that it will be consistent and safe. You can’t have it both ways if you want them to come out healthy. What are you teaching them with all of this inconsistency and drinking and failing and not taking responsibility for your own mistakes? You’re creating people who may not function properly in the world as adults. You also have to stop letting everyone else be the bad guys. You need to step up and tell the kids that it’s YOUR fault they got taken away, that they stayed gone so long and that they were taken away again. Take responsibility for the fact that they are in a foster home and unable to see any of us with any regularity. Explain to them that it is yours and Scott’s fault and not mine or Andrea’s or the court’s or even your “sickness’”. YOU need to tell them that you are an alcoholic and YOU choose to drink repeatedly. YOU choose to put YOU before them, because Amy, that’s exactly what you do and have been doing for a long time. You constantly let everyone else do your dirty work so that the kids continue to love and adore you. All you’re doing is setting them up for a huge let down.

I may not have kids of my own. Believe me, you have and will NEVER let me forget that. I know that you think I have no clue how to raise a child, especially one of yours. The 13 months we had with Andrea has taught me that giving birth doesn’t make someone a mother and being a mother doesn’t require giving birth. And I know that you think that I have done everything in my power to steal your children from you, but I would give anything for them to have a mother who they can look up to and be able to trust with every bit of their being. And I think I know quite a bit about raising kids, especially yours. I think that for the most part I am someone they can look up to a little and definitely trust. I think that they all know that they’re needs will ALWAYS go before my own. I would give ANYTHING for your children’s happiness, healthiness and safety. I would give my life to save them both mentally and physically. I wish I could take away the hurt of the past several years, but especially the last one. I wish I could have helped to give them the childhood that they deserved rather than the one filled with booze, possibly coke back in the trailer, fighting, car accidents, jail, being hit in the face by her mother and years of living with a stepfather who always and in almost every aspect came before the kids. I am so sick of being accused of having CPS on speed dial and that I have picked and chose what kids to keep, and don’t get me started on Michael.

I have very little clue why you married Michael, besides the fact that you always need a man who can financially enable your drinking habit. It’s pretty obvious that you don’t and haven’t loved him in a long time, if ever. You have stayed with him through so many things that would make any real, loving mother get up and run. You allowed him to stay after he stole thousands of dollars from you, blamed Anthony for stealing from you, and you allowed your family to live without heat and hot water for quite a while so that he could have everything on his truck that he not only needed, but wanted. I can’t count the number of times he would fill his truck with all the best name brand snacks and food and then when he’d leave, there was almost nothing left in the house for the five people left. He had XM radio and video games and movies and pretty nighties and his clothes to be a cross-dresser in. He pawned your wedding ring for money to have fun instead of paying bills. YOU CHOSE to marry him still, knowing that all he was was a child who wanted nothing but a ready made family so he could either cover the fact that he’s bisexual from his family or just because he was too lazy to start one on his own. And because you are too scared to be by yourself, you latched on to the first man who you knew had little enough backbone to keep you in check despite what he would and had taken from the family. Michael is a liar and a manipulator and an enabler of the very worst kind and you have repeatedly put him before your kids. The sad thing is that now that you’re ready to get rid of him, it’s not for the health, safety and welfare of you or the kids, it’s because once again, you have found someone to replace him.

Speaking of Tony… Really? For twenty years (or so) you have hidden his true existence from the kids. Then, like a flash flood, you tell them of this life you had with him, and how you gave birth, not alone like you’ve been telling me and the kids for almost 2 decades, but with your fiancee and his family. You have let the kids believe what Scott told them, even though Scott’s been gone for over 6 years now. You allowed Anthony to be lied to about how he got his name and you wonder why the bigs have a hard time believing what you have to say. Tony may be a nice guy, but I am having a hard time believing that he’s THAT ready for a divorce. He sounds pretty happy on line. Are you really willing to break up a family so you can have the security that you need from being with another man to support and enable you? You seem ready to pick up and run away with him and the littles may not even know he exists yet. I was waiting for you to get them home, life would just begin to settle down and become normal again and then out Michael would go, in Tony will come and then they will be in turmoil again trying to figure out what the hell is happening in their lives again. Why are you always so willing to give up their emotional well being for your own needs? Now, there is talk of you and Brent hitting the sheets. What is wrong with you? Why do you feel the need to feed your desires rather than be a mother to the children who so desperately need you?

I will no longer keep the hope of your sobriety in the forefront of my head or heart. I will always secretly wish for it, but not for you, but for your kids. Man up, get your shit together and be a real mom to the only two kids you have left who respect and trust you. You’ll regret not doing it if you don’t do it soon.

I miss my friend and I know that I will never have her back. I miss the woman whose love for her children used to show on her face, in her eyes. I miss the woman who treated me with mutual respect instead of like a lesser person and more recently, an enemy. I am sick of hearing you talk to me about what you’ve lost and how I am the one who took it all from you. I am so sick of you telling me that our conversations, the ones that revolve around the daughter who has been raising herself and her younger siblings for the past several years, shouldn’t be spoken about to the “child” they’re about. Doesn’t she have the right to know what her mother is saying about her? I am sick of being told that my relationship with your kids has been inappropriate because they have chosen to confide in me rather than their drunk or high most of the time mother. I feel like you have been competing in this battle for your daughter and the funny thing is that it was never a competition to me. She’s your daughter, I’m her aunt. I have been repeatedly baffled by the fact that you have tried to make me choose between our friendship and the friendship with your kids, when what I was giving them was more than a “friendship”, but a place to unload the issues that they could no longer bring to you. I miss you, and I know I’ll never have you back. That absolutely kills me and I know that you don’t feel the same. The sad thing is that weather you do or don’t doesn’t even matter. That person is gone, amends can not and will not ever be made. I will stand by the choices I made for the rest of my life. Will you?

It’s time for a major change on everyone’s part. We’re not backing down any more. We’re not keeping quiet any more and we’re never going to quit fighting for the rights of the children whose rights you have stolen. The tides are changing and if you’re still unwilling to do what needs to be done, we’re waiting to step up and do what we need to do to ensure that your kids will have what’s rightfully theirs; Love, health, safety, consistency, faith, trust and a life full of happiness. Even if that means that NONE of us will be in their lives the way we want. You aren’t the only one losing them. Because of you, Scott and the selfishness you wallow in, we all lose. Thanks a lot.



Letters That I’ll Never Send: 09/16/10 – Write a Letter to a Child

From Here

Dear M&A,

Today marks a very sad occasion: your departure from our family. For the past 7 years, we have fought a battle that we never should have had to fight. Today, that battle comes to an end. For 7 years we, T, B, A and I have done everything in our power to help your mom and dad beat their alcoholism and for the first 5 years, we failed and failed and failed. We only got the state involved because we feared that one or both of you might end up dead if things kept going like they were. We had run out of ideas on how to help them. Nothing was working. Never in all my wildest imaginings, did I ever think that you would end up losing your family for good. That we would be losing you. Never did I ever think that we would have to say goodbye. That we wouldn’t have the option to see you any time we wanted or that we would have to schedule a visitation with strangers to see you. I didn’t think that we’d have to wait and wonder whether the state was going to keep you together or split you up. That there would be so many questions left unanswered and even more problems left unsolved.

I failed you. I did everything I could, but I failed. I had the very best of intentions in my heart and I know that in the end this is what’s best for you, but I can’t help but feel like there is something more that I could have done. More resources that I could have found to help your parents. More people I could have asked for help. I wanted to make your family whole again, but instead, AAP left, and the state separated the two of you from your big sister and practically the only mother you ever knew. Now, We will all be completely separated and there is no returning the family to the whole that we all hoped it could be again.

I’m sorry for consistently falling for all of the lies that your parents told me. I’m sorry that it took me so long to see their words for what they really were. I’m sorry that we couldn’t afford a bigger place so that you could come to live with me. I’m so sorry that my actions have brought us to this place. I don’t know that I would do it any differently if I had it to do over again, though. And I’m sorry for that as well.

I want you to remember a few things. You are loved. You are loved more than I can ever tell you. We all love you so much that this whole situation is killing us. We all loved you as if we bore you from our own loins. Please remember that it is okay to trust people, so long as you keep your eyes and mind sharp and clear. Know that there is good in this world and you are a big part of it. Remember to be nice and to appreciate what you do have. Try not to dwell on what you’ve lost. Make the most out of what you have. Take care of one another. I know you fight a lot, but remember that what you are feeling, the other is most likely feeling too. What you are going through, they are too. You two are the only ones who knows what it’s like to go through this. I promise that you will be each other’s greatest support.

We love you. We love you. We love you. From the moment you were each born until forever. We love you.


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Vomitus of the Brainus © Aimée Easton 2006 - 2011 All Rights Reserved Material contained on this site are under copyright, whether my own or someone else's. The material here is published strictly for personal use, and may not be copied to any other place without prior permission. I have borrowed or linked resources from elsewhere and I have given credit to the source from where I got material. Any form of copying or distribution, may face legal penalty.