Posts Tagged ‘death

23
Jun
15

…of mourning and healing

It’s almost been nine years, and I still grieve so hard for her. The light her life gave off is fading and though I still have so many amazing memories, those memories hurt because I can never make any new ones with her. There is so much that I have found out since her death. Things that I should have known. Things I would have known had I just listened to her. Just believed her and put aside her history for a minute. Now that she’s gone, I can’t apologize or try to help her get through it.

I have plans for her anniversary. I am going to burn the autopsy report. My therapist thinks (and I completely agree) that it would help me see her like she was when she was alive and not like she was described as she was found, days after she died locked in a hot apartment in September. I am going to go ANYWHERE I can go to feed ducks. I know they won’t be chicken ducks, but I know she wouldn’t care. She would have fed any animal, anywhere. I can’t go back to that park where she went to do drugs with her friends. I will blow bubbles at sunset. That’s something I learned from the SCA Godmother. It’s a pleasant, happy and fun way to send my thoughts and feelings off to the universe. I will listen to our old music. The good upbeat stuff. I will rock out and swing on swings and enjoy the day. Just like we would have done if she were alive. I will sprinkle glitter. She left trails of glitter in her wake. (not literally) I will make this day happier than it would be if I memorialized her with the people who used drugs with her. People who I didn’t know and people who I am no longer close to. I don’t want to be uncomfortable memorializing the life of my best friend. They have the right to memorialize her in their way. I have that right as well.

My heart hurts a lot today as I think about her smile and her bright, sweet eyes. I miss her so, so much.

10
Nov
08

Strike Three

This is strike three for me. I have lost him for the last time. The first time was for two years and I am not even exactly sure what happened, really. I know that it was because I disapproved of the woman he was dating, who I had known for half of my life. He was my best friend and I just didn’t want him to be hurt. He is too good a guy and I couldn’t stand to see him with this girl who I knew wasn’t good enough for him. 

 

This past time was for 5 years. Again, it was about a woman who I thought would hurt him and his family, but I overstepped my bounds to say the least. I was jealous that he never had time for me, angry that he seemed to not have time for his family, and at the end, I said the most monstrous things that I had ever said to him. I just wanted him to understand the immensity of what I had been feeling. He had told me that I thrived on controversy and I took offense to that. What I should have done was realize how right he was. I didn’t see it and my subconscious didn’t want to admit it. That time, I got to be angry and hurt. I didn’t think of the pain I had inflicted on him and his love. For 5 long years, I missed out on his life, and soon, I began to change. I began to realize how I invited drama into my life. I saw him a couple of times, once at Trinity’s funeral. And He was so cold, understandably. I just wanted to say how sorry I was. To try to undo what I had done. But words are sometimes more powerful than deeds. No amount of talking and tears could possibly take back what I had said to him, what I had tried to do. I was a monster to him. After he got married in June of last year, I saw his wedding pictures on his Myspace and I couldn’t help but tell him that I knew that he and she would be so happy together and to congratulate him. I just wanted him to know that I had changed. That I no longer was the horrible bitch that I once was. On August 18th, he messaged me. He said that it had been a long time and that we needed to talk. I called him and I couldn’t believe that I was getting an opportunity to apologize to him for real. His wife couldn’t know we were talking, after all, she hated me and had every reason in the world to. I told him that I felt guilty that we were talking behind her back, and that I was half tempted to just stop. But I didn’t. He tried to feel out hoe his wife would feel about me by telling him that I was getting them information through his little sister about a serious situation they had. She told him that it was fine if I went through his sister, but if I came back into their life, she would be gone. I had done THAT much damage. I was THAT bad in her heart. I deserved that. Brian and I continued to talk a bit, though noticeably less. A couple of months ago, his wife was diagnosed with cancer, and on Friday, November 7th, she passed away, unexpectedly from complications from the biopsy surgery. I couldn’t believe it. My best friend was a widower at 30 years old, less than 17 months after his wedding day. I was so worried about him, and I still am. I didn’t hear from him Friday or Saturday, and I knew that I wouldn’t go to the viewing or funeral. I know that his wife wouldn’t have wanted it. But he called me Sunday night to tell me himself. I understood completely. There was no need to say it, but I appreciated it. We talked a bit and then he had to go. A little bit later he called again. We talked for a few. He told me what his plans were for the funeral, gave me a link to the website where her memorial video was, told me that he wanted me to at least have that since I couldn’t go. Then, he told me that his wife knows about all of his secrets. That there weren’t many, but now, in death she knows. That he needs to continue to live for her an do what she would have wanted him to do. And included not continuing to talk to me. My heart broke. I wanted to cry and stiffled back tears. After all, what right did I have to cry about this when he had just lost his wife. But, I was devastated. I know exactly what he means by this and I totally understand. I wish it could have been different, I wish I could be there for him in this horrible time of grief, but know know that this is what needs to be done. Part of me wishes that he had never contacted me in the first place, so that I wouldn’t be grieving for our friendship for a third time, but then I remember that I did have 2 and a half months to tell him how sorry I was, to try and prove that I really had changed, to get some sort of closure. I got to get a “good” ending to our friendship this time. We didn’t go out screaming or saying bad things. You see, Up until last night, I hadn’t told him I was glad to have his friendship back, because I wasn’t sure that we were friends again. He hadn’t called me “friend” and I didn’t want to push it. But last night, I told him that he would be in my heart forever, like he always has been and always will be. I told him that I would always consider him one of my very best friends. That is a very true statement. He has been and I will never forget him. He will always be on my mind. May will always remind me of him as will October. Whenever I see the Nightmare before Christmas, I will think of his wife and her awesome love for everything “Nightmare”. I will deal with this. I will continue to send him my strength through the universe. I wish I could be there for him. After he told me that we could no longer talk and I was trying to keep from crying, I finally told him that I didn’t want to sound like a bitch, that I totally understood, but I had to go. I needed to end this. I needed to cry and I refused to do that with him after he had just gone through and will continue to go through the worst experience of his life. He said that he understood, said goodbye, and that was the end. I honestly wish I could have talked to him longer, I wish I could have told him everything that I needed to say to him, but I could tell he was having a hard enough time and honestly, what I want doesn’t matter. At least no right now. 

After I hung up, I lost it. I couldn’t believe that I had lost him for a third time. I had been telling Ted and Jenn that I had to prove myself and not fuck up, because I know, three strikes and you’re out. Here I was, sitting alone in the living room, not only mourning the death of his beloved wife, a woman that I truly wish I could have gotten to know and establish a real friendship with, but also, the friendship of someone that I care about deeply. But that doesn’t compare even minisculely to the grief that he is feeling. And for that, I will try to suck all of this up. I got to say good bye. He didn’t just up and disappear like he could have done easily. He gave me the opportunity to say goodbye, and he gave me closure, and for that I will be eternally grateful. 

Jenn called me when she got home to hear me just a shade short of hysterical. She couldn’t understand me at first, but when I calmed down enough to tell her, she asked me to come over. Jenn has been there through all of my bad times and this was no exception. I went over and we smoked and I cried. She tried to tell me that he’s grieving right now and to give it time. But I know him. Maybe not as well as I used to, but I know him enough to know that when he makes a decision, it’s final. I refuse to get my hopes up for something that will never happen. And as sad as I am about it, I know it has to be this way. I know that this is something that he must do. 

I only wish I could have been able to apologize to his wife. I sent her a Myspace message, but I don’t think she ever read it. She hadn’t been on in months when I sent it. I hope that she knows now, in death, that I truly regret everything I did to her and to them.

08
Nov
08

too sad for anything else today

A good friend of mine who I have known for a long time, lost his wife suddenly last night after a routine surgery. She was 28 years old and they had been married for less than a year and a half. I can’t think about anything else right now, except how he and their families are doing. In my head, I am going down the line, thinking of the struggles that they have individually had and then wondering how they are holding up in this terrible time. I have no idea how to support them. I have no idea what to say. I know that this is common in this type of case, but I always have some sort of comforting words to say. I can’t find them now. I think it’s because this SHOULD NOT have happened. This was a young woman who had everything to live for, newly married, just bought their own first home, raising a child. None of this makes any sense and up until now, I was a firm believer in “everything happens for a reason”, I am losing faith in whatever is out there and I know my friend, who has had the most trying 10 years of his life, being hit from every possible angle with every possible bad thing that could ever happen to one person, is losing faith too and that rips me up inside. I wish there were something I could do to help ease his pain, but I can not bring his wife back and I know that nothing short of that will do right now. I don’t know anything right now. One of my best friends is a widower at 30. He didn’t get nearly enough time with his wife.

22
Oct
08

Words, while still half asleep…

So I made the world’s best cinnamon rolls last night. Yummy.

 

Homemade cinnamon rolls with pumpkin spice icing.

Homemade cinnamon rolls with pumpkin spice icing.

 

 

 

So, since Jen wasn’t feeling too good, I took her a few. We talked a lot. Mostly about death and the fact that we are both going to have a tough Christmas. I have to contend with the fact that my MIL isn’t here. There are certain things that she does for Christmas and no one else was allowed to. She put up the Christmas Village, there were several ornaments that she put up herself. Who is going to do that this year? Will dad even put up the tree? If so, will HER ornaments go up or stay in the boxes? Will he even attempt to put up the village. If he does, will he get it wrong? I will definitely notice if he doesn’t. Jen is spending this Christmas, for the first time, without her brother. That’s very significant. He’s always been home for Christmas and I really feel for her. We talked about our own mortality and the mortality of the people closest to us. It was just one of those nights. BUT… She is coming to my house for Thanksgiving… This is the first time ever. We (Jenny, Emily Rose and I) will be making a turkey, tofurkey, green bean casserole, green beans and spaetzels, the best (and most fattening) mashed potatoes in the effing world, sweet potatoes, acorn squash, corn, stuffing, warm butter rolls, sauteed wild mushrooms with spinach, cheesy potatoes augratin, garlic bread, egg nog, holiday mimosas, pumpkin pie, apple pie and gooey cinnamon rolls. We will be cooking for HOURS! But I am looking forward to it. Today, I have to clean the house and wash the floors. Let’s see if that happens mmm’okay?




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