Posts Tagged ‘loss

23
Jun
15

…of mourning and healing

It’s almost been nine years, and I still grieve so hard for her. The light her life gave off is fading and though I still have so many amazing memories, those memories hurt because I can never make any new ones with her. There is so much that I have found out since her death. Things that I should have known. Things I would have known had I just listened to her. Just believed her and put aside her history for a minute. Now that she’s gone, I can’t apologize or try to help her get through it.

I have plans for her anniversary. I am going to burn the autopsy report. My therapist thinks (and I completely agree) that it would help me see her like she was when she was alive and not like she was described as she was found, days after she died locked in a hot apartment in September. I am going to go ANYWHERE I can go to feed ducks. I know they won’t be chicken ducks, but I know she wouldn’t care. She would have fed any animal, anywhere. I can’t go back to that park where she went to do drugs with her friends. I will blow bubbles at sunset. That’s something I learned from the SCA Godmother. It’s a pleasant, happy and fun way to send my thoughts and feelings off to the universe. I will listen to our old music. The good upbeat stuff. I will rock out and swing on swings and enjoy the day. Just like we would have done if she were alive. I will sprinkle glitter. She left trails of glitter in her wake. (not literally) I will make this day happier than it would be if I memorialized her with the people who used drugs with her. People who I didn’t know and people who I am no longer close to. I don’t want to be uncomfortable memorializing the life of my best friend. They have the right to memorialize her in their way. I have that right as well.

My heart hurts a lot today as I think about her smile and her bright, sweet eyes. I miss her so, so much.

11
Nov
08

I hate who I am…

I hate who I am… I hate that I have not been a better friend… I have made the most horrible mistakes with several of my friends, some of which I have hurt so badly that I will never, nor should I be, forgiven. I have been so lucky in my life. I have been blessed with MANY of the world’s greatest friends and sadly, I can think of at least one major wrong that I have commited on each and every one of them. I do not deserve my friends. My pen pals are the lucky ones. I consider a few of them, Jenny O, Tanja, and Maria are my best long distance friends. As much as I would like to meet them, I am also glad I can’t. Even with Maria I have made some major mistakes, though not as bad as the people who are physically close to where I live. I have made some major changes in my life. I am more conscience of what I say and do to my friends, but unfortunately, that does not repair any of the friendships that I have devastated and left in my wake, broken and hurt. Now, even though I am a different person, I have to suffer the consequences of the hurts I have caused along the way, I have to learn an eternal lesson by losing friends and wishing I could have another chance that will never come and that I am so undeserving of. So, now is the time I need to make another change. While I am far more aware of what I do and say, I need to let go of, but never forget, my past mistakes. I need to grieve the loss of my friends that I know I will never get to enjoy again. The people who have beautifully adorned my life with their love and friendship only to be hurt by me.

Goodbye Crysta, Brian and Amanda… I miss you all so much!




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